Whiskey-Whiskers’ Slithy Tove Pursuit Works Up Hearty Appetite For Brinner

• Friday, August 2 10:18 a.m. A man in a Valley West credit union’s drive-through lane sported a sideways hat, a wife-beater shirt and bloodshot eyes. He didn’t take it well when told that he didn’t have $14 million in his bank account, and threatening the staff somehow didn’t elevate the balance. Found lurking in the parking lot, he was arrested on a warrant and his vehicle towed.

12:43 p.m. A woman reported weariness with her neighbor’s threats, particularly the ones that end in ellipses. “If you ever touch one of my plants…” the man had said before walking away.

• Saturday, August 3 8:43 p.m. Sometime between 1 and 5 a.m., someone or something got into the watermelon bin at a Valley West store and smashed them all to pieces.

10:13 a.m. A Union Street resident said that at 2:30 a.m. the previous night, people came to his door and told him that if he would drop charges in a May robbery case, they’d meet him at a safe location and give him two pounds of pot.

8:16 p.m. After being road raged by someone who had followed them from Willits, two sisters took refuge in a Plaza yogurt shop. The aggressive driver had yelled, tailgated and slammed on her brakes in the middle of the freeway, and was now looming outside the shop in a gray Chevy Malibu, making them scared to leave. An officer escorted them to their vehicle, detecting no sign of the crazy lady.

• Sunday, August 4 8:26 a.m. An Alliance Road resident seemed confused on the details of his apartment’s burglary. First he said it was ransacked while he was gone for four hours. Then he said a friend had given him a ride to the store, and when they returned, he took a nap. On awakening, he found his apartment “messy with food” and a big stain of unknown provenance on the carpet.

3:03 p.m. An overzealous Crabs fan took the game too seriously, making himself and those around him unhappy. He booed one player incessantly over something that had happened in the previous night’s game, and wouldn’t shut up. Police had a word with him.

7:10 p.m. An Anderson Lane resident notified police that he would be shooting his turkey, as his dog had attacked and mortally mangled it the night before. Then he called back and said the turkey might not be as badly injured as he thought. He called a third time to report that he’d be keeping an eye on the turkey overnight.

• Monday, August 5 11:10 a.m. A prankster littered a Zehndner Avenue school’s grounds with condoms, even affixing them to doorknobs.

• Tuesday, August 6 3:39 a.m. A woman came to the door of a Fickle Hill Road residence and said she was lost in the woods and needed a flashlight. She was described as wearing a dark hoodie and possibly modulating her voice to sound young.

4:06 a.m. Problematic sitting suddenly became a civic issue in a couple of locations. First, a shaven-headed man has taken to sitting at an F Street bus stop, interspersing bouts of yelling on a cell phone with squatting on all fours covered in a sheet or blanket. A caller wanted to know how to prevent people from sitting at the bus stop for extended periods.

7:44 a.m. The next sitting situation cropped up in the Community Forest. There, a man sat straight up on a bench in a black monk’s robe with a hood covering his face, staring forward and not moving.

1:20 p.m. The boo-happy Crabs fan wanted to talk to the watch commander about being threatened with arrest at the ball game the previous Sunday.

1:29 p.m. A strangeling, non-endearing variety, creeped out the staff of a Plaza shop. He comes in, loiters, starts arguments and sticks out his tongue, which no one particularly wants to see.

• Wednesday, August 7 12:11 p.m. “What if I put my hands around your neck and hold you down?” a person in North Carolina asked a local woman on the phone. “Then would you listen?” In principle, likely not, as the woman would have been distracted by the imminent loss of consciousness, if not the life-threatening assault. Police determined that the distant caller, lacking 2,800 mile-long arms, “had not the means to carry out the threats.”

3:30 p.m. In another gross disservice to the image of Shaven-Headed Americans, a scoured-pate specimen suspected of riding a stolen bike was found on the train tracks, then arrested on a stolen property charge and taken to Juvenile Hall.

3:59 p.m. Publishers Clearing House may or may not be a house where dreams come true, but a sketchy-insistent man calling himself a representative of that company kept calling a local woman. He urged her to spend $500 on a “special card,” after which he would send her a car and money. The woman said she wasn’t interested but the calls continued. A police officer called the man’s number, and though he didn’t answer the phone like a company rep, insisted he was one. “Fuck you,” he expectorated when told not to call the woman any more, and on that quippy note, hung up.

5:24 p.m. In a gross disservice to Disgusting Pervert-Americans, a man with a duffel bag at the transit center ogled a guy’s girlfriend while his grubby hands crawled around in his own pants like a pair of writhing marmosets. He was arrested on a narcotics charge.

6:04 p.m. “Hey faggot, what’s up?” said a rude man, blocking someone’s path on Stewart Avenue. The person then left, but called police with concerns about such a provocateur bedeviling the area.

8:49 p.m. A freewheeling belligerator walked a bicycle on Alliance Road, arguing as he drunkenly staggered southbound, eluding further detection.

9:44 p.m. A bike-borne bike thief stole someone’s riding device at Hilfiker Drive and Baldwin Street, motating with both sets of wheels toward the bike trail to Janes Creek Road.

9:54 p.m. A quisling with insider information tipped off police to a planned game of nighttime “tag” on the grounds of a Janes Road school, to occur within the next hour.

• Thursday, August 8 4:51 a.m. Him again.

7:08 a.m. A homeless woman who had taken to staying in and around a Valley West motel was arrested after multiple warnings.

4 p.m. A man with long blond hair and a tie-dye shirt had his “service animal” pit bull on the Plaza, where it attacked another dog’s neck. An officer found the suspect and warned him.

11:13 a.m. Maybe it’s a grow house in Wisteria Way, maybe not. Maybe it will get raided, maybe it won’t.

1:45 p.m. A woman’s purse was stolen at Mad River Beach, and her credit card soon used at an Arcata gas station. The victim wanted someone to check the video.

• Friday, August 9 5:53 a.m. Someone was reported smoking “pot” on Alliance Road. This information was forwarded to patrol units.

11:36 a.m. Someone thought a chain would stop anyone who wanted from taking a $500 Cannondale  that was left on the Plaza overnight.

11:44 a.m. A Valley West couple experienced relationship friction when, he said, she “beat him up with her hands.” After he escaped with her cell phone, she cut her wrists. Police arrested one of them on a spousal abuse charge.

4:13 p.m. After attempting to assist an upstairs neighbor with some sort of fire, the ingrate said he would “beat him to a pulp.”

5:05 p.m. A woman came to the station after leaving her car on the side of the freeway because there was a bomb on its underside. She said “they” had been following her for several days, and wished to kill her. She wanted the imaginary bomb-laden vehicle towed by a real tow truck.

7:55 p.m. A garish slithy tove in his twenties was as unobtrusive as one can be while wearing a red baseball cap, camouflage jacket, red 49ers pajama bottoms and a big black backpack as he tovily tugged at car doorhandles in an I Street parking lot. He turned out to be a she, as detailed by witness Joe Whiskey-Whiskers Deschaine and previously reported on this page, but it’s so crime-bustalicious it bears a second recitation:

Between 7:30 and 8 p.m., I saw someone hanging out across the street by my neighbors vehicle. I did not recognize this person. What really stood out for me is that they were wearing bright red pajama pants. 

I saw the individual pacing around my neighbor’s car, and checking inside the open windows. Another neighbor pulled up to his house, an elderly gentleman, and proceeded to go inside. 

The second that his door closed, the person I was watching walked over to his truck and tried the door handles. At this point, I knew what was going on for sure and dialed the police department. The person heard me on the phone, and headed from the corner of Seventh and J streets (where the trailer park is) towards the Co-op. 

I told the police the person was running away from me, and I watched as they tried other door handles along J street, all the way up to the Community Breast Health Project. Still on the phone with the police, and keeping about a half of a block back, I followed the person to the Co-op. 

There, they ducked into the area where the posters for upcoming shows are posted and the payphones are, and proceeded to change their clothing.

Up to this point, I had thought I was following a man. Her hair had been up in a red baseball cap that matched the 49ers pajama pants, and all of her demeanor suggested that she was a male. 

When she stepped out from the nook, I almost didn’t believe it was the same person and hesitated before following her. I told the police that she had changed her clothing, reporting that she was now wearing black jeans, the same camouflage jacket, and no hat, but hair up in a ponytail, I heard the dispatch report that to the ensuing police.

I followed her as she left the Co-op parking lot, heading north. She cut behind where the holistic healing center used to be, the place where Sew What is located, and headed towards the Humboldt Machine Works building. I cut in front of the building, so as to intercept her, and cornered her on a staircase, where she pulled out a cigarette as though nothing was going on.

I saw an officer approaching, and flagged him down. In the time that it took me to turn around and flag them down, she bolted. Other officers had pulled up at the time, I ran around towards the Co-op to see if she was running. I’m not sure if we forced her back towards Hensel’s, but when I came back around the corner, there she was, in handcuffs on the entrance of the building they once called “The Stoop” at 10th and I streets.

I saw they had her, I thanked the officers, then I headed home and made myself brinner – breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs, chicken apple sausage and golden hashbrowns.

8:54 p.m. A motel chain executive called from Fresno, reporting that an employee at the Valley West branch who was going to be terminated Monday was texting threats to her and the Arcata property’s manager. The threat level was later downplayed and police no longer needed.

• Sunday, August 11 5:31 p.m. A Dorothy Court resident encountered a man carrying a full bag that smelled like cannabis through his yard. The resident followed the man through the woods to Grotzman Road, and struck him with a stick. The man then pepper sprayed the resident, got into a blue car with two other men, and left.

7:01 p.m. An F Street resident planted a lovely flower garden in her front yard, only to find 30 plants ripped out and stolen the night previous.

10:33 p.m. A Valley West home of honest goodness complained of a man “going nuts” in the parking lot, dancing into the store and yelling, then dancing back out and partying in the lot. Police found the demented dervish in the men’s room, from which he was extracted and expelled.

• Monday, August 12 9:23 a.m. A woman said that while she sat with two men on her Zehndner Avenue front porch, one grabbed her wallet, which had been sitting next to her, and ran off. The wallet-snatcher’s name was unknown, the other guy was named “Oz.” The wallet had contained $20 and some credit cards, which were canceled.

12:39 p.m. Summer camp in Redwood Park proved incompatible with a clump of stoners in the parking lot. The dopers buzzed off.

1:36 p.m. A squad of slouchabouts at Ninth and J streets smoked and drank themselves into mental oblivion, but fortunately, in Arcata one is never far from an abandoned couch on the sidewalk, one of which provided comfy refuge for one to pass out upon.

3:25 p.m. A Buttermilk Lane house was reported to host a cannabis grow. Police checked, and there it was, all in compliance with the number of legally allowed plants and square footage. After advising the residents on the number of legally allowed lights, officers left.

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