A VERY SPECIAL ARTS! ARCATA The April Arts! Arcata will feature an array of bullshit artists, each projecting their particular flavor of fraudulent but highly profitable scams from alcoves around the Plaza. Clockwise from Eighth and H, the Plaza’s west side will feature financial bamboozlers, providing payday loans at usurious interest rates, while others pitch timeshares, Amway franchises and ask to see your utility bills. Along the Plaza’s legendary Ninth Street Tavern Row will be Vegas-style street scammers, offering free tickets to comedy clubs, selfies with costumed superheroes and escort services. Down G Street on the east side, the bullshit takes a cyber turn with handed-out letters from Nigerian princes looking for a trusted partner, to Iraq War combat officers who have found a trove of gold coins and bearer bonds they need to safely ship to the U.S. The Plaza’s south side will feature an array of “healing artists” offering everything from aura massage to quantum energy therapy, with complimentary anti-vaccination misinformation. Citing “concerns,” a “concerned” Humboldt Baykeeper is monitoring the festivities with "concern."
BULLFIGHTS AT THE BALL PARK The Arcata Recreation Division is proud to announce the return of Bullfights at the Ball Park every Friday night this summer at the Arcata Ball Park. This family friendly, all-ages event features classic Spanish-inspired bullfights, including sword play, occasional goring and ritualistic animal slaughter. Knives, dirks, daggers and shivs will be distributed at the door. Please, one per attendee. Children are encouraged to sign up for the Junior Matador Program! As a special treat, every fourth Friday of the month will be vegetarian night, featuring sangria and tofu hotdogs.
BLUSTERY BOYCOTT A local man who routinely claims that he used to shop in Arcata and is now boycotting the city for various political reasons admitted last week that he never actually shopped in Arcata and probably never will, mostly due to geography. In a rare moment of candor, Hamish Curman revealed that he lives and works far away in the outlands of Henderson Center and hasn’t been north of Eureka for 17 years. His bluster, he said, was an effort to make Arcatans feel like he was punishing them economically, even though he’s not. This on his staunchly held and extremely well thought-out theory that the best way to address Arcata’s libturds and layabouts is to deprive job-creating family businesses of patronage. Curman maintains that he won’t shop in Arcata, even though he was never going to anyway.