Mad River Union
ARCATA, April 1 – With the no-no signs at the Plaza’s edge now serving as a basic guide to the pleasures available there – smoking, drinking, biking and dogging, a legal loophole now allows downtowners to use the town square as an open-air restroom for human and canine companion alike.
A letter from the U.S. Department of Justice commands Arcata Police and the City of Arcata not to “obstruct the liberties (or bowels) that God and guns make possible.”
Declaring laws against public defecation “the Nanny State in your pants,” Attorney General William Barr notified Arcata Police that they may no longer prevent anyone – from dingbat to doggie – from doing doo-doo downtown.
Under DOJ guidelines, Arcata Police may not ask the Plaza poopers to cease and deshits, nor even point to the invitingly aromatic public restloo available just a stroll away.
Further, APD officers must carry rolls of toilet paper on their tactical belts and stand by to dispense pillowy soft quilted squares for the convenience of the dumping denizen, providing assistance when requested.
Nor may the deposited "service turds" be removed, having been designated protected speech and/or an art installation under the First Amendment.
CHANGE IS HARD Bailiffs at the Humboldt County Courthouse report that chronic petty criminal Wilberforce Skankerton, arraigned on charges of carving a likeness of former Whitesnake bass player Neil Murray into the seat cushion of an A&MRTS bus, had made a fundamental paradigm shift.
Wishing to impress the judge by projecting a more dignified appearance, an orange jumpsuit-clad Skankerton switched from his lifelong preference for mouth breathing to nostril-based respiration. This, observed deputies, allowed him to close his mouth and slighly abate the signature drool which normally issues from his pie-hole.
“Not guilty or whatever,” he proudly mumbled to the judge, hoping his newfound savoir faire would help him avert a lengthy sentence.
COSMICK CONUNDRUM Efforts to abate the spread of Coronavirus and preserve societal continuity have been hobbled by the loss of local programming at radio station KHSU, according to officials with Arcata’s Community Emergency Response Team (CERT).
Specifically, the cancellation of the station’s popular astrology program.
“Without guidance on how the stars and planets affect our daily destinies, we’re fighting this thing with one hand tied behind our back,” said Fiona Flimber, CERT team member. "And as far as any romantic initiatives, forget it."
“We’re flying blind,” confirmed Dirkk Dongle, director of the Redwood Region Economic Development Commission (RREDC). “We had to break out the Tarot Cards just to get a community resilience meeting.”