Mad River Union
HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1 – While scientists scramble to study the Coronavirus and develop a vaccine for future use, the world-changing germ’s past has proven just as intriguing.
A Mad River Union investimagation has turned up some revealing connections linking the virus to certain shady characters at large on the political landscape.
Which ones? Well... all of them, basically.
As tracked by the Union’s Corona Conspiracy Wall, the emergence of the virus has taken place in the same time frame as any number of “coincidences,” including the disappearance of the McKinley statue, the closure of Arcata Exchange, a sale on quinoa tots at Co-op and the recent re-airing of “The Folk Singers,” a Beverly Hillbillies episode in which young Jethro Bodine abandons his career as an astronaut to become a folk singer with Miss Jane Hathaway, and hilarity ensues.
And so, we hasten to note, did Coronavirus.
Oh sure, that’s all it is, no problem... and since you’re so sure that’s the case, we have a waste-splattered pedestrian overpass to sell you.
Preliminary evidence implicates a frightening array of figures – living and otherwise – who are well known on the world and local stages, which some might call hiding in plain sight.
These include Elvis, Robert Mueller, Reclamation District No. 768, Sarah Palin, the Bride of Chucky, the Sex Pistols, an unidentified mime, Buford Pusser, the Cowsills, a horrendously misshapen being that appears to be named “Kardashian,” Reba McEntire, Bob Keeshan, Orville Reddenbacher and the almighty but chafing dish scandal-plagued Manila Community Services District.
The Union probe turned up a number of other “random events” that presaged the onset of the plague, these being restriping of the crosswalk at Roberts Way and Wyatt Lane, installation of a new soda machine outside the Trinidad Chevron station and the burnout of a lighted floor button in HSU’s Theatre Arts Building elevator.
“The sheer weight of evidence is overwhelming,” observed Union Chief Investimagator Edna Grammelspacher. “At this point, you’d have to be in complete denial not to see the heavy hand of conspiracy behind this outbreak.”
Further cementing that inescapable conclusion was the detection of powerful chemical solvent DihydrogenMonoxide (DHMO) in the virus.
“Wake up, sheeple!” Grammelspacher exclaimed.