Mad River Union
ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Landing amid a blast of hot air and the glint of gold, a little-known NASA probe commissioned during the Trump Administration rover didn’t just touch down on the Plaza last week.
No, the “Animosity” lander, bedecked with Trump branding and garish golden gilding, grabbed, groped, grumbled and galumphed its way across downtown, making much of Arcata grate again.
Crafted as a gaudy robotic extension of the deposed dotard himself, the rover’s $480 million cost gained funding following a promise that “Arcata will pay for it.” Its mission: to carpet-bomb a left-coast liberal enclave with molten MAGA magic like no one’s ever seen before.
“This grass is a disgrace!” the rover bellowed through its phalanx of PA speaker horns. As it proceeded across the Plaza lawn, Animosity deposited small, steaming nodules of spent fuel – a toxic alloy of equal parts plutonium, shrimp cocktail sauce and blatant bullshit.
“This shithole town looks like Russia Russia Russia!” the gleaming contraption barked. “It’s probably on the take from Chy-na!”
Roving past the new knife shop and over to City Hall, the rampaging robot knocked over the Peace Pole, which was undergoing maintenance, then demanded that a wall be built between Arcata and the rest of the country.
“Where’s Socialist Sofia, and Anarchist Atkins-Salazar?” squawked the metallic marauder, focusing its verbal abuse only on the female members of the City Council.
The Trumpbot’s tirade was interrupted when it sighted a group of Humboldt State students strolling down F Street. At this, its “grabber” utensil, festooned with tiny mechanical hands, began spinning in frenzied fashion, advancing on the young people.
It didn’t get far, though, as the MAGA machine’s garish TRUMP flag snagged on a signholder at the entrance to the Uniontown shopping center. Thinking he had captured the world’s biggest roach clip, panhandler Genghis Whiffenpoof began dismantling the rest of the rover to cash it in for scrap.