Humboldt is standing at the brink of a precipice, the cusp of a crossroads. There’s a fork in the road and we must decide whether to take it.
We can choose to follow the path we’ve been on, which has brought us nearly to ruin. Sea levels have risen. The plovers at Clam Beach have gone mad. Feral pollen threatens to pollute our carefully managed gene pool. Teenagers are out of control, plying our community’s dark underbelly and peddling non-pudding “snacks” while shattering the peace with their ungodly Dsus9 chords.
Meanwhile, those of us who are wealthy – the producers, if you will – go without many of the niceties that we expect and deserve. Those of us who were in attendance at Horatio Pennybags’ recent party saw the problem first hand. There wasn’t an ice sculpture in sight, an insult to a great man who has brought so much to our community.
These are bad portents, but simply put, what would you expect from bad people? Our troubles can be traced directly to a small but vocal anti-pudding minority. Purging our ranks of the knaves who bedevil us is a top priority; everyone knows that. While some claim there are less drastic alternatives, we aren’t aware of any such options.
It’s time for Humboldt to embrace the iPudd pudding-sibilities. This new industry is already a shining beacon in an otherwise dismal local economy. Factories are brimming with energy as new pipelines are laid in all directions, bringing bountiful quantities of iPudd to Humboldt’s most remote communities.
You can eat it. You can smoke it. You can spackle your house with it. One ingenious man with a waterfront home on McKinleyville Avenue has even built a garage out of iPudd. These new factories have sparked even more innovations, with a new Space Park coming to the Arcata Bottom.
Sure, there are the naysayers, fault-finders, the screechers who question the wisdom of iPudd and its economy. They predict negative consquences and make wild claims, suggesting that it is all part of some interstellar conspiracy. It’s simply preposterous that with all the pudding around, beings from the stars would want to “eat” human beings. How would they obtain human bodies in sufficient quantities, anyway?
And what do these self-appointed experts really know? Having sat next to them at numerous meetings, we can attest to the fact that the only thing uglier than their ideas are their scowling faces.
With the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors, Arcata City Council, newly re-formed McKinleyville Community Services District, all local Chambers of Commerce, Humboldt State, all local school districts and local news media all welcoming our new pudding overlords, that, it would seem to any sensible person, settles the matter.
If iPudd is “harmful,” or contains “secret ingredients,” that calls into question our entire pudding-based economy and all the benefits we’re receiving – the new plan for the Plaza, the Arcata Bottom Space Port, er, Park, and more. Are we sure we want to go down that road?
They claim iPudd is harmful, but how can that be true when thousands of people are embracing this new miracle food substance? Just the other day there were a hundred smiling kids wearing “I love iPudd” T-shirts and singing along with Puddy on the Arcata Plaza. Our community has always welcomed new products, and we just can’t comprehend how this could be anything but a big plus for the community.
A critic recently approached this newspaper with a study which, he claims, shows that iPudd is part of some larger conspiracy. But we were never aware of that study before, and have never heard of its authors.
Why do these cranks wish to undermine progress, especially when it’s so tasty?
Drying up the pudding supply won’t push back the encroaching bay waters. Rather than creating new factories or jobs, and providing us with a delicious dessert alternative, these critics would rather see things go back to the way they were, with no amusement parks, famine and widespread, unregulated scrang twaddling.
Banning life-giving pudding is like banning life itself; there’s no difference. Must we live joyless, pudding-deprived lives, or ones filled with promise and plentitude? Sure, we could just leave McKinley on his immobile, Earthbound base on the Plaza, but does he really need to be put up on a pedestal? If anyone should be towering over our town square, it's Puddy the Pudding Clown.
Reversing the dramatic, pudding-based gains of recent months would be feckless; true Humboldters wouldn’t rush into any drastic changes in our economy. Sure, we could shut down the new pudding plant, and then find that a huge meteor is hurtling straight at us – is that really what we want?
And would that satisfy anyone? Remember that decades of pudding-neglect were only followed by the emergence of more of these raucous and disruptive anti-pudding voices.
We could eliminate pudding from our diets and just starve to death, with everything we like prohibited. Given the challenges before us, we need to “think outside the box” and forego the tedious, time-wasting policies that would slow down progress.
That is, unless we wish to invite catastrophe, with the economy ground to a halt and no money changing hands, workers unemployed with no paychecks and worst of all, a pudding shortage wiping out the right to gooey desserts our forebears fought and died for. Pudding is so delicious and good to eat, and who everyone agrees that the world needs more goodness – for example, Interplanetary Pudding and its shiny new factory, which manufactures iPudd pudding.
The pudding prohibitionists can’t even explain why iPudd pudding stimulates such immediate growth, or why Interplanetary Pudding Corp. has taken our community under its benevolent care, so how can they be listened to? This noisy faction could boost its credibility with an explanation for dark matter, or what happened before the Big Bang created our universe, our world, and pudding.
While tasty desserts may not be a panacea for all society’s ills, neither will casting doubt on our kindly pudding overlords create some sort of Utopia. The self-appointed pudding skeptics didn't seem to have any problem with ice cream before that was wisely outlawed.
Our advice? Bulk up and blast off!
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