The U.S. Cyber Security FBI Dept. Of Defense USA Cyber Crime Center Needs 300 Bucks, Quick!

• Tuesday, July 23 12:56 a.m. An L.K. Wood Boulevard resident complained that his girlfriend was biting him, and quite understandably, he wanted her to stop.

11:50 a.m. Alas, we don’t inhabit a world where a feller can hang up his jacket in a downtown tavern and enjoy carefree recreation without the garment and its treasures disappearing. Lost were a wallet, iPod and car keys. The car was parked on the Plaza, and he was worried about getting a ticket.

• Thursday, July 25 2:43 a.m. A tall, traveleresque sort of chap was heard beating on the windows and door of a Crescent Way residence, yelling “Don’t call the cops!” Police were called, and they arrested the lengthy interloper on a public drunkenness charge.

4:10 a.m. A man came to the front door of the police department talking about “getting out of here, but my legs and mind won’t let me.” He was ambulanced to a nervous hospital.

10:22 a.m. A Janes Road RV park resident was bullied by a neighbor, who told her “she didn’t know who she was messing with, and better watch her back.” The trailer park potentate’s impressive powers apparently included tampering with the woman’s tires.

• Friday, July 26 8:09 a.m. Someone smeared poop all over the porch of a Ninth Street business during the night.

10:02 a.m. A red-haired man insufficiently clad in only his undergarms was extracted from the City Hall men’s room and taken to the nervous hospital.

11:28 a.m. A little lime green car with racing stripes was zooming about the Marsh. Police delivered a slow-down warning.

12:26 p.m. A bicyclist in Sunny Brae was pelted with outrageous eggs and gooey profanities for reasons unknown.

6:23 p.m. A concerned mother complained that her son was being “brainwashed” by a former friend.

9:56 p.m. A man in overalls sat outside a Plaza hotel with a syringe hanging out of his leg. The local color was arrested on public drunkenness charges.

• Saturday, July 27 1 a.m. A brown-haired man had refined tastes in beverages, if not the keenest of ethics. He was last seen exiting a Plaza liquor store with a $2.50 English ale, bypassing that troublesome cash register area altogether.

8:33 a.m. A succession of oddly similar card-finding incidents kicked off with miscellaneous personal cards being found on the Plaza.

11:25 a.m. A driver’s license was found at a Crabs game and turned in.

Noon A debit card was found on the Plaza.

1:22 p.m. A debit card was found in a Valley West motel room.

2:03 p.m. The gibbering galoots at a Valley West bus stop were, in the old-school wry sense, cards only in terms of their jocular comportment – oh, how they acted out, belligerating at passersby amid roilings of dope smoke while vastly impressing each other over the unprovoked rhetorical abrasions. Extra patrols were slated.

3:10 p.m. A man in all-black – sweater, pants and duffel bag – pulled a knife out of his sock and waved it around to impress workers at a Valley West veterinary clinic. He then scampered into some bushes. He was easily found, and told officers that he posed no menace to veterinarians. He was just waving the knife in the air for reasons undisclosed and probably incomprehensible.

5:02 p.m. A Sunny Brae resident turned on his computer to find a message from the bullshit-sounding “Mandiant U.S. Cyber Security FBI Department of Defense USA Cyber Crime Center.” All those high and mighty government agencies needed from the ’Braer was $300, and he had 47 hours to give it to them.

6:01 p.m. One man’s idea of a stolen dinner was two 22-ounce beers and an apple. After making off with the unique pairing, he went to a nearby magnificent black walnut tree to savor his carb-intensive repast.

8:13 p.m. A man reported a trespasser threatening to “blow up the house, and no one can do anything about it.”

• Sunday, July 28 12:33 a.m. It takes a real man, or a real drunk man, or a “man” in quotes, or a giant wuss to yell at children and throw food. The model partner even got between a mother and her children, not letting her pass. To further extend his impressive dominion over all creatures weak and vulnerable, he grabbed the woman’s arm and took her cell phone. As the tank top-clad (of course) hero went into the kitchen to get another beer he didn’t really need, the mother grabbed her baby and fled to the back room. Police arrived and arrested Captain Tank Top on a spousal abuse charge.

10:08 a.m. A mountain lion took a stroll near a Valley West bus garage.

11:15 a.m. A Janes Road landlord reportedly followed a woman around asking why she hadn’t paid rent and wouldn’t talk to him. She moving out, and he was told he she didn’t have to talk to him if she didn’t want to.

2:30 p.m. Sitabout slumgullions who generally meander about the rich panhandling/signholding fields of Samoa Boulevard and H Streets came into conflict. One woman reportedly snatched $5 out of another’s hand. The victim came back later, it was said, and ripped the headphones off the snatcher’s head and whapped her a good one.

8:11 p.m. Reflecting cannabis growers’ general disregard for best practices, a landlord dumped perfectly compostable greenwaste trim in a dumpster.

• Monday, July 29 12:07 p.m. Someone wanted to take a skunk that was hanging out near a Janes Road doctor’s office dumpster out into a nearby pasture and shoot it. The person was advised against any discharging of a firearm into a skunkal cranium within city limits.

• Tuesday, July 30 11:22  a.m. A woman sort of stayed at a Valley West motel for a few days, sleeping in the lobby and using the pool. Found asleep in a stairwell, she was warned away on pain of trespassing.

• Wednesday, July 31  4:18 a.m. A woman so drunk she could hardly stand up was seen in her underwear near a Janes Road motel’s swimming pool. She got into a burgundy SUV with four or five people and drove away.

1:38 p.m. A violin valued at $300 was left overnight in an unlocked car on Old Arcata Road. Imagine the puzzlement of the slithy tove beneficiary, wondering how to fence the quaint non-iPod. At least the wood and glue would have made great campfire kindling.

3:15 p.m. Someone on the Internet claimed to be the landlord of a residence in Tina Court, so a gullible Sunny Brae resident dutifully went to a local supermarket and wired $1,900 to Nigeria.

4:36 p.m. A check received from an address in Ghana turned out to be counterfeit.

• Thursday, August 1 3:05  a.m. How was an Alliance Road apartment dweller to know that whooping and hollering over the video game his TV was blasting out at top volume would bother neighbors at this hour?

10:21  a.m. A person setting fire to weeds growing in a G Street alley was deemed a danger to himself and others, and plants, and committed to the nervous hospital.

10:43  a.m. Neighbors complained about the bustling marijuana-processing activity at a redacted address. Rental trucks are a frequent sight, but all the loading/unloading takes place at night. The residents don’t seem to have jobs, so they’re there to “take the large amount of visitors 24 hours a day.” A neighbor called the property owners in Pleasanton, and was told that they didn’t care if the house was used for cannabis processing. APD’s Special Services Unit was notified of the issues.

1:19 p.m. A female riding her bike on the wrong side of Alliance Road crashed into a male riding his bike in the direction of traffic. The girl rode off before police arrived, and the guy had a hurt knee. He said he wanted to “go home and clean it up and have his father look at it before he makes the decision of going to the doctor.”

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