• Tuesday, January 4 11:13 a.m. An upstairs officer worker in the 400 block of I Street complained that people in the downstairs office are continually smoking pot and cigarettes, the fumes of which waft upstairs and make her office smell like a bar.
8:25 p.m. A perv in a gold Volvo was reported unveiling his disquieting appurtenances in front of children on the Plaza. He then drove off northbound on G Street.
9:19 p.m. After almost smashing into another car and nearly mowing down a pedestrian in the parking lot of a Uniontown shopping center, the driver parked the car and, rather unsteadily, emerged. A witness said he looked intoxicated, which may explain why he then lingered casually next to the car with its alarm blaring, enjoying a bag of potato chips. He then took his leave, swerving east on Seventh Street, where he was pulled over and arrested on suspicion of DUI.
• Thursday, January 6 5:27 a.m. The Post Office is always a handy spot for unplanned interactions, a place for long-time-no-see encounters and spontaneous conversation. On this morning, a man quipped that a passerby was a “fucking tweeker,” piquing the man’s interest. When the tweeker-designate sought clarification, the accuser responded with subtle body language, rasing a large stick as though to strike the guy. A brief but tawdry struggle over the stick ensued, with the accused tweeker being struck in the leg. This led to an eruption of profane caterwauling and police intervention. The fate of the stick isn’t known.
In the Sunny Brae Court known as Beith
Loud drumming sounds rattled the teeth
Of residents there
Who battled the blare
By calling cops in for relief
10:54 p.m. M Street residents were puzzled by a woman who came to their door with accusations of cat theft.
• Friday, January 7 6:47 a.m. A man with missing teeth regaled the east Plaza area with his religious beliefs, then lumbered under the load of his backpack down to the Ball Park. There, he was advised to keep the spirituality to sub-seismic levels.
12:43 p.m. An officer visited the adjoining store and office from which the offensive pot/cigarette miasma had allegedly issued. Personnel there were advised of City smoking regs.
2:28 p.m. A man who had expected a crunchy taco at a Mexican restaurant thought the bolt he found in the filling was taking the concept too far. The restaurant took the bolt back and made him another burrito, and he left the restaurant. Later, when he called back to speak to the manager, he wasn’t allowed to. He added that he had been with six other people and that “apparently” bolt-flavored tacos are a house specialty, having been served “numerous times at this location.” Police contacted the restaurant manager, who said it was an ongoing problem with this customer, who he said had demanded $3,000 and threatened to kill the workers. The manager didn’t want him to come back to the restaurant.
3:34 p.m. Someone called APD to complain about Brian and his “High Schools Are Prisons” sign outside the high school. The caller was reminded about freedom of speech.
4:07 p.m. A K Street resident came home to find a blue pickup truck with the keys in the ignition in her driveway. It had been parked there by the auto shop across the street.
6:08 p.m. A baggy-jeaned, black-booted woman with short black hair entered a Plaza store and made off with a double-stranded silver necklace with a pheasant on it.
6:37 p.m. Unknown subjects gutted and humiliated laundry equipment at an upper H Street apartment building. After extracting the coin box, they disconnected hoses and pulled the machine from the wall.
• Saturday, January 8 4:29 p.m. When a woman put $7 in bills in a change machine at a Westwood laundromat, barely had the quarters dropped when a hoodie-and-sunglasses-bedecked slithy tove variant scooped them up and slithered out the door.
• Sunday, January 9 2:04 a.m. A woman in a striped shirt who used to know the previous tenants demanded entry to a South G Street apartment. Instead, the tenant called police, who arrested her on a public drunkenness charge.
2:56 a.m. A 36-year-old man was found deceased in McKinnon Court.
• Monday, January 10 9:43 a.m. A woman was called by a man claiming to be her grandson who was in jail in Canada. He asked that she wire him $2,800. No.
1:34 p.m. A woman who had a restraining order against another woman went to a public place where the restrained one was. The restrainer went to another part of the facility, but the restrainee and her father reportedly sought her out and told her they were there first, so she had to leave. Shouting and obscenities were deployed.
4:31 p.m. A man allowed a woman and her two teenage daughters to stay at his place for a few weeks. After they left, the man took a call from the mother, who rather ominously stated that she was coming back to “deal with him.” She had a key to the door, but not the deadbolt.
7:46 p.m. A man in Valley West noticed a cylindrical object in front of a tenant’s door, and picked it up. Inside he found “miscellaneous hardwares” – nuts and bolts embedded in some type of resin material. Police inspected the odd object and deemed it non-bombly, and the man disposed of it.
• Tuesday, January 11 8:29 a.m. Some sort of yellow powder was sprinkled all over a Northtown office.
12:01 p.m. An aggressive shepherd isn’t effectively confined by the fence around its yard, and it gets out and runs around free all day. George the cat was recently killed not far away, and posters warning of aggressive dogs are up all around. The owner is said to be “very nice,” but also too busy to make a decision about the dog.
2:36 p.m. A debit card was used by someone other than its owner to buy a $470.99 watch from a cable shopping channel.
6:31 p.m. A man in an H Street alley appeared torn between two modes of existence, and alternated between standing up and falling down. One constant provided continuity though – the yelling.
• Wednesday, January 12 12:05 p.m. A skeezy check-cashing business further endeared itself to neighboring businesses by setting up one of those grotesque inflatable dancing doll things in the parking lot, the intent of which is to trigger some latent primal urge to be charged usurious rates for fast access to cash. The visual annoyance, a possible hazard to passersby, was powered by a loud generator that bothered a neighboring business. The out-of-town landlord, acting with lightning responsiveness, promised to send a letter to the money-lending outfit.