Tavern Row refashioned as Alcohol Innovation Zone

Ronnie DeSillers
Eye Correspondent

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – The Arcata City Council last week took initial steps toward creating an “Alcohol Innovation Zone” along Tavern Row, the strip of bars along Ninth Street on the Plaza’s north side.

“On visiting the site, we received multiple indications that alcohol offers medical benefits, and may qualify for a zoning overlay,” said Barry Flotzer, community development director.

“Frequent users say ‘It’s good for what ails you,’ and use terms like ‘hair of the dog that bit you’ in recommending alcohol as a hangover cure,” Flotzer said.

“We feel further research is needed,” he quipped, making an exaggerated raising-a-glass gesture and earning appreciative snorts and guffaws of laughter from council and audience members alike.

Potential innovations aired during the council session included:

• Smokable alcohol, possibly dispensed at the Bigfish Vape Lab

• Artisanal edibles such as rum cakes, beer bread and Malort kale

• Special cushioned tunics to soften the inevitable earthward plummet at night’s end

• Retractable cigarette butts via “ciggy leashes” – rubber strands that outside smokers would be required to wear, connecting any cigarettes to their pinky finger via a three-foot lead. Any attempt to flick the butt into the gutter would make it instantly rebound back up into the person’s face amid a shower of painful sparks.

“We think it will be popular,” Flotzer opined. “Compliance should be high.”

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One Comment;

  1. 2016 Draft Options said:

    And local media wonders why it can’t sell its product. So many political and social problems, but media wants to be the butt of jokes.

    Reality is that the cigarette problems are worse at the stores where the butt flickers purchase their undisposable tobacco products, but ya, Arcata snooty types created a war against the bars on the plaza because the goody two shoes types whose noses point to the sky in a uppidy stuck-up way want the paza to epitomize their elite snobbishness. Arcata is ran by too many elitists who are stuck up snobs.

    Walk along any sidewalk or landscaping nearest a store, look down at the ground.

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