• Friday, August 30 10 a.m. When a man with a blue “wrap” on his head was found lingering upstairs in a downtown building where he weren’t spoze’ta be, he proposed an interim solution: to strike the person who found him with a chair. 11:51 a.m. Another household furnishing was conscripted to resolve a disagreement…
Arcata Police Log: Officers wade into Plaza cig/dog maelstrom to restore human habitat
• Saturday, August 24 10:16 a.m. A woman whose plastic Zelda sword and shield were stolen (hate it when that happens!) awaited the arrival of police near a downtown cannabis dispensary. But when they showed up, she had wafted away. • Sunday, August 25 9:28 p.m. Someone called from a Valley West motel hell concerned…
Arcata Police Log: New Methster Bowling League finds its balls
• Tuesday, August 20 9:19 a.m. Lady, whether it’s in this bar or the last one, I just really am not interested in fighting with you. So step off! 9:32 a.m. Every one of the 1,850 dollars that check was made out for was bogus and bouncy-bouncy. 10:10 a.m. A guy in a wheelchair stole…
Arcata Police Log: What’s worse – tip thieves or oil dumpers?
• Wednesday, August 14 8:26 p.m. Science has long been aware of the possible role of tasty baked goods, donuts specifically, in somehow enraging an outspoken minority of downtown leisure professionals. Now pies offer another correlation. • Thursday, August 15 1:39 a.m. Imbecilic imprecations sullied the soundscape on Foster Avenue, courtesy of a self-appointed town…
Arcata Police Log: Shrieking duties sap intensity of lawn-borne buzz
• Thursday, August 8 12:06 p.m. A surly slumper bestirred herself from a Plaza repose long enough to hiss and shriek at an elderly person who’d traveled downtown for a friend’s occasion. Exhausted by the raw harshening fury required to break through the senior’s elderfunk, the loudie loungeling then returned to the lawn to rest…
Arcata Police Log: Booze-bamboozled brainlock begets driver.exe reboot
• Wednesday, July 31 11:52 a.m. When someone left their large black truck with two children inside idling for 20 minutes outside a Sunny Brae laundromat, a random passerby volunteered a yelling-included cost-benefit analysis of the decision. 1:21 p.m. A cow in an F Street field didn’t appear to have any food or water. 3…
Arcata Police Log: So many wonders to behold during Arcata’s unending Goofwit Days festival
• Friday, July 26 8:11 p.m. A $3,300 Craigslist buy went retroactively awry when, post purchase, the seller’s dad called, saying daughter had no right to sell the thing, and demanding it back. • Saturday, July 27 3:45 a.m. With the genocidal statue gone from the Plaza and that new era of healing and unity…
Arcata Police Log: There are more skeletons and robots here than seems normal
• Saturday, July 20 3:48 p.m. You’re cleared to leave the hospital, sir, thank you. You’re cleared to leave. You can go now. Please leave. Sir, you have to leave now. Hello? Someone who is medically cleared to leave is refusing to go. 5:33 p.m. A hitchhiker on the freeway onramp at Samoa Boulevard stepped…
Arcata Police Log: A tender, tedious paean to Arcata’s innocent passersby
• Friday, July 12 1:36 p.m. A woman in a blue hoodie was the latest to make off with groceries from a skeeze-caked Uniontown shopping center. She scurried into the darkness, never to face justice. Later review of security cam footage revealed the loot to include a jug of blue Gatorade – to match her…
Arcata Police Log: Earth-toned carbon-based unit mounts planetary assault
• Saturday, July 6 9:33 a.m. After injecting breakfast, an urban backpacker lolled on some 11th Street steps with the needle still hanging jauntily from his arm. He was moved along. 3:06 p.m. A woman dragged a couch into the middle of an H Street alley and, clad in a towel, had a troubled lie-down…