Whether to prove a point, honor a lost bet, subdue fleas, keep warm, press his clothes or simply feel something in our numbingly dystopian era, a man body slammed his very own body into cars at various Valley West burgerterias.
Arcata Police Log: Waiting room quisling spills tire puncturing-based healthcare plan
• Friday, November 1 8:55 a.m. A generator rustler made off with a juice unit from a formerly empowered Cedar Drive location. 10:40 a.m. A wanted person was extradited on a warrant out of a Northtown motel which, not being any sort of embassy, afforded him no protective diplomatic sovereignty. 10:51 a.m. A man throwing…
Arcata Police Log: Bunglesome burglars repulsed by washer/dryer fortress
• Friday, November 1 12:53 a.m. There weren’t enough spongy, deep-fried delights in a downtown donut shop to soak up the ocean of booze on board one patron, so he was arrested.
Arcata Police Log: Brandished tree trimmer adds gravitas to talking points
• Thursday, October 17 9:47 a.m. A two-vehicle encampment in the elite upper parking lot at the Arcata Community Park was unoccupied, but well-adorned with strewn garbage. 9:57 p.m. A man with a flashlight, gray beard and beanie hailed a passing motorist at Alliance Road and 17th Street and asked for a jumpstart. But there…
Arcata Police Log: THC-gummed musculoskeletal apparatus slow to embrace the inevitable
• Tuesday, October 1 12:21 a.m. A downtown brewery’s wall sports a new, fist-shaped hole, courtesy of a man who had been invited to leave. He then waved a knife at the failed aesthetes who couldn’t properly savor his knuckle sandwich-based remodeling contributions. 10:55 a.m. Whatever sorts of fumes a man on 16th Street was…
Arcata Police Log: Strangelings boldly break with tradition, reason
• Friday, August 30 10 a.m. When a man with a blue “wrap” on his head was found lingering upstairs in a downtown building where he weren’t spoze’ta be, he proposed an interim solution: to strike the person who found him with a chair. 11:51 a.m. Another household furnishing was conscripted to resolve a disagreement…
Arcata Police Log: Officers wade into Plaza cig/dog maelstrom to restore human habitat
• Saturday, August 24 10:16 a.m. A woman whose plastic Zelda sword and shield were stolen (hate it when that happens!) awaited the arrival of police near a downtown cannabis dispensary. But when they showed up, she had wafted away. • Sunday, August 25 9:28 p.m. Someone called from a Valley West motel hell concerned…
Arcata Police Log: New Methster Bowling League finds its balls
• Tuesday, August 20 9:19 a.m. Lady, whether it’s in this bar or the last one, I just really am not interested in fighting with you. So step off! 9:32 a.m. Every one of the 1,850 dollars that check was made out for was bogus and bouncy-bouncy. 10:10 a.m. A guy in a wheelchair stole…
Arcata Police Log: What’s worse – tip thieves or oil dumpers?
• Wednesday, August 14 8:26 p.m. Science has long been aware of the possible role of tasty baked goods, donuts specifically, in somehow enraging an outspoken minority of downtown leisure professionals. Now pies offer another correlation. • Thursday, August 15 1:39 a.m. Imbecilic imprecations sullied the soundscape on Foster Avenue, courtesy of a self-appointed town…
Arcata Police Log: Shrieking duties sap intensity of lawn-borne buzz
• Thursday, August 8 12:06 p.m. A surly slumper bestirred herself from a Plaza repose long enough to hiss and shriek at an elderly person who’d traveled downtown for a friend’s occasion. Exhausted by the raw harshening fury required to break through the senior’s elderfunk, the loudie loungeling then returned to the lawn to rest…