• Thursday, January 10 1:52 a.m. Whatever he did or didn’t do to her, it had her initially throwing things, then “crying hysterically” in the background as he called police. 5:28 a.m. A Stewart Avenue man’s house proved invulnerable to the 20 or so BB rounds fired at it by unknown marksdolts. 9:13 a.m. The…
Arcata Police Log: Like dark matter, the Slithy Tovesphere co-occupies our ostensible reality
• Sunday, December 30 5:38 p.m. After stealing various items from a Uniontown supermarket throughout the day, a backpack-and-beanie boy capped his day of luscious larceny by making off with some life-affirming macaroni and cheese. 11:44 p.m. Three men threatening to exact vengeance on a motel clerk by disengorging their mighty bowels in a Valley…
Arcata Police Log: The one you’re falling in like with may one day be punching your walls
• Sunday, December 23 8:51 p.m. A man in a low-budget Valley West motel’s parking lot yelled while holding a pair of scissors. An introspective singer-songwriter perched on a stool and sawing away at a battered acoustic guitar, even while wailing the same things, might have been a better choice for evening entertainment. • Christmas…
Arcata Police Log: Only non-werewolf officers need respond
• Thursday, December 13 12:46 p.m. Multitasking of sorts took place within a G Street bank’s decorative planter when a woman’s hand was located inside the trousers of a man with whom she was reportedly “making out,” the other hand holding a cat on a leash. 1:16 p.m. A fuzzy burrito impeded access in front…
Arcata Police Log: Slovenly slumgullions top slouchabout dissatisfaction survey
• Friday, November 30 8:18 p.m. A woman and her friend walking past the downtown fire department noticed a man brutishly hurling a gray backpack into the bushes with force excessive to the task. • Saturday, December 1 12:17 a.m. A she-shoplifter at a Uniontown supermarket internalized her thieving ways as well as some hooch…
Arcata Police Log: Traffic-wandering ways avenged by the Hula Hoop of Justice
• Wednesday, November 15 12:10 a.m. The Arcata City Council convened in a thrift store parking lot on H Street to… oh wait, that was an actual dumpster fire. • Thursday, November 16 11:41 a.m. A car on Chester Lane has been repeatedly attracting eggs of the hurled variety in recent weeks, the ceaseless albumen…
Arcata Police Log: Weaponizing a defunct opossum
• Friday, November 2 2:19 a.m. What began as a promising and emotionally satisfying tirade soon collapsed into introspection and isolation when a woman phoned police all het up about some guy blasting music from his car in a G Street bank’s parking lot. When confronted, he argued and threatened her, she said. Asked by…
Arcata Police Log: Gusty McFoulmouth’s hortatory halitosis
• Monday, October 15 1:37 a.m. Anyone who may have noticed the man in boots and a leather jacket worn over a hospital gown trundling down Janes Road, carrying his clothes in a bag, may have wondered about the back story. It was one fueled, shock-shockingly, by a surfeit of distilled spirits. After a noisy…
Arcata Police Log: Some friend of a friend you turned out to be
• Thursday, October 4 9:48 a.m. An L.K. Wood Boulevard resident got an unsolicited package of cannabis in the mail. His aunt called police, who neutralized the menace. • Friday, October 5 9:45 a.m. A frenzied raccoon ran in circles at Appaloosa Lane and Quarter Way, alarming the populace. 11:25 a.m. Two women dressed in…
Arcata Police Log: Shirtless scrappers polish poopy pavement
• Monday, October 1 12:13 a.m. Two men – shirtless, in keeping with tradition – tussle-fussed in a clinch on the ground at the Ninth and H adult daycare zone, their rippling muscles helping scour the pavement of its seething slurry of slouchabout sluffings even while polishing the translucent dogshit sheen that enshrouds the vicinity.…