• Sunday, June 9 9:01 a.m. When the door closed on a high school storage shed across from the skate park, a man found his life at a crossroads: he could live out his days in the spartan accommodations, hearing the world passing by outside, never knowing sunshine, starlight, laughter, love, quinoa tots and really,…
Arcata Police Log: Tranquility-inducing quinoa tots and popcorn tofu meet their match
• Thursday, May 23 8:03 a.m. Six people sitting in a circle in a Ninth Street alley wouldn’t voluntarily disassemble their stonerhenge soiree-squattery, and a nearby business was concerned that the half-dozen immobile meat pillars might get run over. 10:36 p.m. In nearby Tavern Alley, intake-excrete maneuvers proved worrisome. It seems that four jolly-time funsters…
Arcata Police Log: Turdly minefield inspires groundsman’s ire
• Wednesday, May 15 12:42 a.m. The City Council should try to track down the shadowy slithy tove on a bicycle who busied himself this early morn riding around and checking whether or not business doors on West End Road were properly locked up, and commend him for his public-spirited volunteer efforts. 1:30 p.m. It…
Arcata Police Log: A lot of this comes down to oversharing. At top volume. All night long.
• Thursday, April 25 2 a.m. “Stop smacking me,” said one of two yellingtons on Union Street who, despite the passions of the moment, cared enough to use a slightly evocative verb. 7:16 p.m. The ridonkulous “who’d fall for that?” Social Security phone scam netted another victim, ensuring its continuation. The scammer reaped some $2,900…
Arcata Police Log: Creative driving ends in wham-bam-boom-pow-crunch
• Monday, April 15 1:25 a.m. When an E Street woman screamed that she didn’t have any food, neighbors concerned for her well-being and/or doing anything necessary to get her to STFU at this hour offered the needed noms. This nutritional outreach was rewarded with threats to stab her mentors with a fork. 8 a.m.…
Arcata Police Log: A pageant of quibblesome, fusspottian nanoaggressions
• Wednesday, March 13 11:42 a.m. Someone strolling by the corner of Buttermilk Lane and Beverly Drive heard yelling coming from a nearby garage. But not the oft-heard cries of inordinate rage over some quibblesome, fusspottian nanoaggression. No, this time someone had a genuinely weighty issue – a motorcycle lying on top of and pinning…
Arcata Police Log: Drunken grumplings not particularly open to suggestion
• Tuesday, February 26 6:21 a.m. A man who had to leave his Arcata home in a hurry wound up in a Los Angeles hospital. He was worried that his roommate would mine his unsecured valuables and maybe even use his birth certificate for purposes of evil. 2:51 p.m. A man in the police department…
Arcata Police Log: Top-hatted snare drummer offers supermarket stabbing services
• Tuesday, February 13 9:38 a.m. A dark-haired woman driving an estimated 70 mph on L.K. Wood Boulevard was profoundly inconvenienced by having to slightly modify her trajectory and swerve around some road workers, possibly slowing her blistering velocity by as much as few miles per hour. In doing so, she made sure to flip…
Arcata Police Log: Canny land mammal’s opposable thumb and forefinger used for eeeee-vil
• Tuesday, February 5 9:40 a.m. A Janes Road resident basically told someone about giving up on life. “I’m a burden,” the lonely soul told someone on the phone. “I’ll be gone soon. No one loves me. I’ll just die.” 10:28 a.m. Aspirations of expiration (not for onesself, but for someone other than else) emanating…
Arcata Police Log: Locker room rogue thwarts foes with fearsome hair straightener
• Wednesday, January 23 1:38 p.m. There’s got to be a better way to deliver an $1,800 U.S. Treasury bond to someone on L.K. Wood Boulevard than leaving it on the porch. 3:34 p.m. Though the 27th Street resident asked and asked the woman living in a trailer in the street out front not to…