• Wednesday, March 13 11:42 a.m. Someone strolling by the corner of Buttermilk Lane and Beverly Drive heard yelling coming from a nearby garage. But not the oft-heard cries of inordinate rage over some quibblesome, fusspottian nanoaggression. No, this time someone had a genuinely weighty issue – a motorcycle lying on top of and pinning…
Arcata Police Log: Drunken grumplings not particularly open to suggestion
• Tuesday, February 26 6:21 a.m. A man who had to leave his Arcata home in a hurry wound up in a Los Angeles hospital. He was worried that his roommate would mine his unsecured valuables and maybe even use his birth certificate for purposes of evil. 2:51 p.m. A man in the police department…
Arcata Police Log: Top-hatted snare drummer offers supermarket stabbing services
• Tuesday, February 13 9:38 a.m. A dark-haired woman driving an estimated 70 mph on L.K. Wood Boulevard was profoundly inconvenienced by having to slightly modify her trajectory and swerve around some road workers, possibly slowing her blistering velocity by as much as few miles per hour. In doing so, she made sure to flip…
Arcata Police Log: Canny land mammal’s opposable thumb and forefinger used for eeeee-vil
• Tuesday, February 5 9:40 a.m. A Janes Road resident basically told someone about giving up on life. “I’m a burden,” the lonely soul told someone on the phone. “I’ll be gone soon. No one loves me. I’ll just die.” 10:28 a.m. Aspirations of expiration (not for onesself, but for someone other than else) emanating…
Arcata Police Log: Locker room rogue thwarts foes with fearsome hair straightener
• Wednesday, January 23 1:38 p.m. There’s got to be a better way to deliver an $1,800 U.S. Treasury bond to someone on L.K. Wood Boulevard than leaving it on the porch. 3:34 p.m. Though the 27th Street resident asked and asked the woman living in a trailer in the street out front not to…
Arcata Police Log: Another jumbled, gelastic jamboree of jiggery-pokery
• Thursday, January 10 1:52 a.m. Whatever he did or didn’t do to her, it had her initially throwing things, then “crying hysterically” in the background as he called police. 5:28 a.m. A Stewart Avenue man’s house proved invulnerable to the 20 or so BB rounds fired at it by unknown marksdolts. 9:13 a.m. The…
Arcata Police Log: Like dark matter, the Slithy Tovesphere co-occupies our ostensible reality
• Sunday, December 30 5:38 p.m. After stealing various items from a Uniontown supermarket throughout the day, a backpack-and-beanie boy capped his day of luscious larceny by making off with some life-affirming macaroni and cheese. 11:44 p.m. Three men threatening to exact vengeance on a motel clerk by disengorging their mighty bowels in a Valley…
Arcata Police Log: The one you’re falling in like with may one day be punching your walls
• Sunday, December 23 8:51 p.m. A man in a low-budget Valley West motel’s parking lot yelled while holding a pair of scissors. An introspective singer-songwriter perched on a stool and sawing away at a battered acoustic guitar, even while wailing the same things, might have been a better choice for evening entertainment. • Christmas…
Arcata Police Log: Only non-werewolf officers need respond
• Thursday, December 13 12:46 p.m. Multitasking of sorts took place within a G Street bank’s decorative planter when a woman’s hand was located inside the trousers of a man with whom she was reportedly “making out,” the other hand holding a cat on a leash. 1:16 p.m. A fuzzy burrito impeded access in front…
Arcata Police Log: Slovenly slumgullions top slouchabout dissatisfaction survey
• Friday, November 30 8:18 p.m. A woman and her friend walking past the downtown fire department noticed a man brutishly hurling a gray backpack into the bushes with force excessive to the task. • Saturday, December 1 12:17 a.m. A she-shoplifter at a Uniontown supermarket internalized her thieving ways as well as some hooch…