Tag Archives: April Fool 2018

Arcata’s new Navy confronts sea level rise

Arcata’s new Navy confronts sea level rise

Ecky Patang Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – The City of Arcata’s newly formed Department of Naval Engineering is continuing construction on a state-of-the-art ark at the Corp Yard in response to the latest concerning models of sea level rise. Community Development Director David Loya optimistically interpolates the latest models and projections to read

‘We Know Better’ group here to help

Zulch Otherword Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – A new organization called We Know Better (WKB)  has opened an office in downtown Arcata to better serve the citizens of the community. WKB intervenes in various proposed developments and projects and advocates on the public’s  and its behalf. For example, recently Mrs. Betty Bangle, 73,

Rumors fly about McKinley payoff to postcard star; plaque’s back is back

David Dennison Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Voted off his granite island by the City Council, anti-Confederacy war hero and genocidal maniac William McKinley is now having his stolid bronze flanks stressed by sensational scandal. The grimacing effigy was spotted in a local tavern, exchanging heated words with a woman from out of town.

Birding with Brotman

PENGUIN PURGE Quick thinking Union Ad Manager Jada Brotman, above right, performs the Heimlich Maneuver on an Emperor Penguin after the Antarctic avian began choking on a herring while dining at Salt Fish House. The unidentified penguin, here on vacation from its ice cap home, later flapped its 8-ounce wings with glee and referred to

Area man survives shark attack at City Hall

Shunka Fourwinds Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Recent efforts to re-introduce indigenous animal species locally may have backfired. The trend began not in eco-groovy Arcata, but McKinleyville, where the Friends of Widow White Creek were able to re-establish a colony of Eye-Sucking Lampreys, an aquatic species able to propel themselves out of the

Manila CSD purchases nuclear centrifuges

Mad River Union MANILA, APRIL 1 – Federal and local officials were alarmed to learn that the Manila Community Services District has acquired nuclear centrifuges, but a district spokesman contends that the devices are being used only for peaceful purposes. The February purchase of two Zippe-type gas centrifuges came to light after a resident of

Town divided, accusations fly over controversial Plaza monument

Ray Rumsey Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – One of the Plaza’s most venerable fixtures, next to Sunflower, is the Temperance League Fountain on the square’s west side. The 1912-vintage fountain is also one of the town’s most divisive landmarks, with advocates for removal doing rhetorical battle with fountain loyalists online and in public

Watson’s crisp attire sparks clean shirt, washed face revival

Angus Podgorny Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Clean-cut Arcata Councilmember Brett Watson’s natty duds have sparked a city-wide fashion shift.  The era of earth-toned garments, in effect since the 1970s, may have passed. With his monochromatic 1961 tax accountant look, the vice mayor’s crisp, wrinkle-free shirts and ties have set a new tone

No more vaping on stilts during tsunami drills

  Ogilvie Humdiddle Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – The City Council held a marathon special meeting last Wednesday night to settle once and for all its conroversial proposal to outlaw vaping on stilts during a tsunami drill. The Arcata Community Center was filled to near-capacity as citizens braved a rainy night to have

600-foot-tall Mayor Sofia Pereira on downtown rampage

Blamph Scrimble Mad River Union ARCATA, APRIL 1 – An unlikely sequence of events resulted in severe damage downtown last Thursday morning as a Godzilla-sized Sofia Pereira went on a cross-Plaza rampage. The mayor had been walking past Jacoby’s Storehouse sipping a quantum energy smoothie from Co-op when she was struck by a bolt of