St. Reagan returns to Humboldt from on high, is highly pleased

Reagan

A LONG WAY FROM DEATH VALLEY Jonesing for jelly beans? Photo courtesy Eureka Reporter


Bell Verdana
Mad River Union

HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1 – President Ronald Reagan descended from heaven Sunday to praise Humboldt County’s pot growers as “the perfect model of what a completely deregulated industry looks like.”

Wearing a white robe and an angelic smile, the 40th President floated gently to Earth bathed in a shaft of pure white light.  Standing in the middle of a 10,000-plant pot farm in the Salmon Creek watershed, President Reagan stretched out his arms, gesturing to a sea of mature pot plants as far as the eye could see, and saw that it was good.

“You know,” said Reagan in his folksy manner, “it warms my heart to see a thriving industry with no permits, no licensing, no labor laws, no environmental regulations, no accounting requirements and, best of all, no taxes.”

Reagan continued, “And, because deregulation always works, there is absolutely no crime, no impact on the community and no harm to the environment.”

“Here in America, we used to let industry do whatever they wanted without a lot of regulations, and absolutely nothing bad ever happened,” Reagan reminisced.  “And if we did regulate them, we let them write the regulations themselves.  I understand Humboldt’s doing the same thing. That should work well.”

Asked about concerns about the impact of dewatering streams on endangered salmon, the Great Communicator said, “Well, if you’ve seen one salmon, you’ve seen ‘em all.”

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