• Wednesday, January 12 4:19 p.m. A rampaging white pit bull at the corner of Cropley Way and Hilfiker Avenue almost took out the mail lady.
4:43 p.m. A rottweiler let loose in the No Dogs Allowed children’s playground at the Community Park was reported jumping on kids, with the owner making no effort to restrain it.
4:09 p.m. Alliance Road’s free-lance foot masseur was getting desperate to practice his pervdiatry, stopping women in the street and even going from business to business begging damsels to let him rub on their feet. Police suggested restraining orders, and meanwhile tracked down the frantic footman to relay concerns. Steel-toed boots might be an option.
8:08 p.m. After a Valley West mini-mart refused to sell tobacco to something named “Ed” and its shaven-headed colleague, the little store found itself pummeled by a barrage of slingshot-propelled rocks.
8:31 p.m. A man lying on the ground near a K Street stairwell slowly basted in an odious marinade of urine and vomit. An officer found him responsive but uncooperative, and took the poor basted to the hospital.
• Thursday, January 13 3:38 a.m. A man reportedly ejaculated on the homeless lady who sleeps at the City Hall bus stop. He was arrested on an indecent exposure charge. Meanwhile, she has found less ejaculation-prone housing.
9:38 a.m. A woman left her car unlocked in prime slithy tove territory – the 900 block of J Street – and it fell prey to the first doorhandle-tryer who happened along. The next morning, the car’s owner found everything severely rummaged through and the car’s interior a “huge mess.” She didn’t know anything had been taken until a friend who found a name tag of hers called. The tag had been affixed to the briefcase she used for her notary public business, which was missing. The national notary association was notified.
1:02 p.m. Hospital personnel called police with concerns for the safety of a patient who was about to be discharged. When brought in two months previous, he had severe wounds and was covered in feces and urine. An officer inspected the man’s residence and returned to the hospital to advise staff.
3:19 p.m. A shoeless man in dreadlocks positioned himself in the middle of H Street and emitted loud castigations of his fellow citizens. Police found him in the alley by the donut shop and advised him to move along.
• Friday, January 14 2:36 p.m. The state’s treasury was enriched by $330, thanks to a nominally abled but tragically lazy person who took up a blue-marked parking spot on Baldwin Avenue.
11:53 p.m. One theory holds that a Baldwin Avenue resident’s yelling and banging of things was retaliation for previous complaints to the landlord by another resident. But this complaint went to police, who advised her to keep “it” down.
• Saturday, January 15 2:31 a.m. An unlocked car on Chester Avenue was like flypaper to a pair of roving toves, who tried the doorhandles and gained access. When the resident came out and chased them off, they left pumpkins and other stuff in the yard.
7:14 p.m. When a Bayside Road resident refused to give a man some pain pills, he stood outside the apartment waving a knife around. He was found sufficiently demented to warrant committal.
11:41 p.m. Not even a 10-year-old bike with rusty spokes is safe from slithy tove seduction when left unlocked under a deck on Clover Way.
• Sunday, January 16 1:12 a.m. A lad in a hoodie dashed out of a Uniontown supermarket with a bottle of Jack Daniels, with an employee in pursuit. When caught, he surrendered the bottle and walked away, joining forces with another hooded figure. The two were last seen slinking into the shadows.
7:24 a.m. A man previously banished from an I Street store returned for a retaliatory bout of snittiness. This procedure involved throwing a couple of small plants on the floor for puny dramatic effect.
5:21 p.m. A homemade quad runner valued at $300 was stolen from a Janes Road residence.
5:08 p.m. The boyfriend of a local woman’s niece called from Florida to say that he was going to come to Arcata and slit her throat.
• Monday, January 17 5:28 a.m. Another shoplifter was caught on video at a 13th Street marketplace.
9:35 a.m. A woman’s scooter was stolen from a Sixth Street carport.
10:30 p.m. A vehicle on Spruce Way was egged. The owner announced plans to wash it off.
• Tuesday, January 18 11:08 a.m. A man went into a Uniontown supermarket, leaving his stuff with a casual associate out in the car. When he came out, the friend had driven off to parts unknown with his suitcase, wallet, shoes and other stuff worth maybe $500.
3:01 p.m. A woman who said she’d been assaulted at the Mad River Fish Hatchery a month previous now claimed that the assailants were threatening to cut her. She said that whenever she changes her phone number, they somehow find it out and text threats to her.
5:23 a.m. Two dogs were reported running loose in a Valley West store.
7:57 p.m. A man said he and his girlfriend were chased by a loose dog at the Marsh.
• Wednesday, January 19 8:07 a.m. An unknown man entered a home in the 900 block of F Street and tried to go to sleep there. Asked to leave, the unbidden guest broke a window and ran away with the man of the house in hot pursuit. The intruder, resplendent in requisite hoodie, was arrested on a malicious mischief charge.
12:20 p.m. A Chester Avenue resident reported someone having a vendetta for the window of his RV, which had been spray painted and rock-battered.
• Thursday, January 20 10:11 a.m. An unlocked vehicle on upper I Street was slithy toved, with everything rummaged but nothing taken.
12:09 p.m. An aggressive German shepherd was tethered to a pole on the Plaza in such a way that moms and kids had to go out in the street to get around it.
12:15 p.m. A weirded-out patron of a Samoa Boulevard store was pretty sure the employee was hopped up on meth or something.
12:48 p.m. A gas-fired gold pickup truck squatted in the electric vehicle charging stall at Eighth and F streets.
2:04 p.m. A woman saw the “Killer Dog” flyers posted in her neighborhood (see page 7) and thought maybe they referred to her dog. She wanted to speak with an officer.
2:26 p.m. A Shirley Boulevard resident called about a big white loose dog in his yard. He was sure that it was one of the “Killer Dogs.” It was last seen headed toward Sunny Brae.