• Friday, August 16 9:53 p.m. A car-whacked skunk staggered to the curb on Villa Way, and a citizen called police. Rather than have the officer dispatch it to skunk heaven with birdshot to the brain, the citizen decided to nurture it back to health.
Bayside Road-land was infected
With drummer noise loudly reflected
From sources unknown
The throbulent zone
Was drummingly omnidirected
11:41 p.m. A red-jacketed man who had reportedly stolen someone’s credit cards was seen riding a bike around in a Uniontown parking lot. He was said to be the same upstanding citizen who had pulled a knife on someone on the Plaza. He was arrested on an unspecified charge.
• Saturday, August 17 9:14 a.m. Wakey-bakey pipe-sharers in an H Street alley weren’t sufficiently mellowed out by their dawn dosing to resist throwing rocks at someone. Police arrived to find everything peaceable, with a dewey taco truck casting a calming, benevolent vibe throughout the area.
12:35 p.m. Plaza funtimers appeared eager to attach their gibbering face-holes to a brown bag that was being passed around, its bacteria-sodden allure swelling the ranks of the sitabouts. Officers swiftly harshed the scene, with one leisure-grungeling hauled off in cuffs on a warrant.
1:16 p.m. A red-jacketed petty destruction enthusiast meddled with a Plaza café’s window display, then blocked women’s paths on the Plaza, finally alighting in the skeeze-hammered Veterans Memorial Park. An officer went there and retrieved the window thingy and took it back to the restaurant.
2:07 p.m. Boy meets girl. Boy sends girl Facebook message. Girl’s ex-boyfriend doesn’t approve. Ex, lacking any sense of proportion, threatens to burn boy’s house down.
3:58 p.m. A man said someone stole his kittens, then made fun of him.
• Sunday, August 18 12:42 a.m. Men deemed unfit to bask in the accusatory gaze of multiple glassy-eyed animal heads went around back of the bar for a bout of retaliatory banging on a gate.
1:50 a.m. A 911 hang-up call lasted long enough for a man to report that someone had “kicked him up.” GPS data placed the kooky kicked-up caller somewhere on the Plaza, but he wasn’t in evidence.
11:20 a.m. The raucous roadway at L.K. Wood Boulevard and St. Louis Road, populated by hurling metal-and-plastic contraptions with only the partial attention of college children to guide them, is no place for a motherless fawn to be wandering in and out of traffic. The wobbly baby deer was taken to the Wildlife Care Center.
12:39 p.m. A woman in a halter top threw a bottle at someone at 10th and H streets.
4:22 p.m. Letting people live on his Sunny Brae property in a tent proved easier than getting them to leave.
6:46 p.m. An Alliance Road man without a shirt or shoes on told a 14-year-old girl that she had “the ass of a 23-year-old” and if she ever left her boyfriend he would “satisfy her like a real man.” Whether a real man would speak to a child that way is questionable, but within 10 minutes, police were on scene talking to him. He denied making the sexual statements, allowing only that he told her she looked more like she was 23 and that this had made her uncomfortable, so he had apologized. The girl’s mom said she would seek a restraining order against the unreal man.
• Monday, August 19 10:10 a.m. A man in camouflage pants and his hair in a bun beat on the ground and banged his head against a building at Eighth and G streets. Drunk, arrested... but fashionable!
2:45 p.m. Though equipped with a stick that had a mace of some sort on the end, a man in a Valley West parking lot made a commitment to a passerby “kick your ass.” He then vanished without following through.
3:45 p.m. A 15-foot boat disappeared from a Margaret Lane home.
5:22 p.m. A woman reported that an “off and on” acquaintaince had forced his way into her home and raped her. A suspect was named.
5:47 p.m. Among the threats received by a Union Street man was a voice mail promising to “shut your f’n mouth.”
7:56 p.m. A stout lock didn’t prevent smooth-talking burglars from getting a property owner to give them access to a storage locker, from which they stole $8,000 in furniture.
• Tuesday, August 20 11:19 a.m. Dollops of yak poop complicated the labors of a work crew at Seventh and I streets. Reported a caller, “The home boy that walks around town just had his yaks poop all over the street and sidewalk.” Public Works was charged with cleanup.
• Wednesday, August 21 12:40 a.m. A boy and girl were reported “stomping and hitting the flowers” at the base of a dunce-beleaguered Plaza statue. Police found an array of colorful plant genitals which had been ripped from nearby planters rather than be allowed to live a few days longer, but no stomping or hitting.
1:31 p.m. Someone entered an H Street business through the front door and stole tools valued at $300.
2 p.m. The timeless joy of throwing water balloons at passing cars.
2:29 p.m. Area youths were implicated in the placement of a pallet with exposed nails sticking up at a Hallen Drive woman’s front door.
6:44 p.m. Just who allegedly did what isn’t clear, but someone on Alliance Road had been drinking since the previous day; someone had a psychotic episode; someone locked theirself in an apartment; someone claimed to be going out to rob a store; and someone was arrested on a spousal abuse charge.
8:09 p.m. The same bald guy with a hat who steals the recyclables was now lingering around an Alliance Road building, ostensibly picking blackberries but, suspected an observer, casing the joint. A trespass ban is in the works.
11:21 p.m. Unknown people were reported trying to “pick fights for no reason” in Sunny Brae.
• Thursday, August 22 3:03 a.m. A bearded man with a ponytail was seen lurking around the nitrous oxide and oxygen tanks at a Janes Road hospital. The notorious nitrous sprite would appear, disappear, then reappear on the roof, only to vanish in the darkness again like a gaseous phantasm.