She Was A Wrong-Fool Woman In a Black Dress – April 4, 2010

• Saturday, February 27 10 a.m. An unlocked Anina Way vehicle was naught more than a slithy tove donation box, said slitherer entering during the early morn and stealing the owner’s flashlight, vehicle registration and insurance card.

1:27 p.m.

Saturday aft, she was downtown

Yelling at the passersby

Standing in the midst of madmen

Police calls piling high

Bellowing goofball on the west side

Yelled at people who were moving along

Just about to call up the police-men

Cause they heard the woman singing her song

Ascared of howled cries, made them open their eyes

And temperatures started to rise

She was a wrong-fool woman in a black dress

A 415-type police call

But just one look turned up no shoutfest

Cause that wrong-fool woman had said it all

3:57 p.m. An I Street business employee reported being presented – rather brusquely, it seems – a stark choice of destinies by his girlfriend’s father. The dad came to the 17-year-old’s workplace, he said, and told the kid to either stay away from his family or he would kill him. A key detail of the proposal was that the lad “keep his drunken genitalia away from my daughter.”

11:47 p.m. An Arcata resident reported receiving a text message from someone in Nashville, Tennessee, who wrote, “Please call me in one hour if you have not heard from me because I am meeting the evil one soon.”

• Sunday, February 28 2:07 a.m. Three fine gentlemen were reported spitting on women near an H Street business. The brave expectorators were nowhere in evidence when a cop cruised by.

12:28 a.m. Several folks were reported tearing a TV apart in the 900 block of F Street. Police checked with the tube demolition crew, last seen plucking video wreckage from the roadway.

5:27 p.m.

A dinnertime bongo influxion

Required police for reduction

They went to South E

And tempered the spree

Which, for drummers, is serious suction.

9:02 p.m. An unwell person attempted suicide at 14th and G streets, but didn’t push down hard enough on the razor blade he used on his left wrist. The possibly drugged man was taken away for treatment.

• Monday, March 1 9:05  a.m. A woman left her wallet on the table at a Valley West burger joint, and when she realized this and called the next morning, a miracle didn’t happen. Lost were credit cards, cash, checks, ID.

12:50 p.m. A St. Louis Road residence is chronically broken in to, said the resident. The previous night’s interloper left handprints on the window.

3:01 p.m. One of two neighbors in a hostility spiral offered passive provocation – or was it self-protection? – by standing in the road and videotaping the other as he milled about in his driveway. The cameraman said he felt harassed.

5:09 p.m. In what he later claimed was merely an attention-getting gambit, a man posted a suicide warning on Craigslist, stating that he “got out of the crazy house where my ex put me... so she could rob me...”

• Tuesday, March 2 12:02 a.m. As a woman slept in the rear area of her boyfriend’s unlocked residence, someone came in the front and stole his video game console and some games.

12:10 a.m. In one of those quaintly named “defrauding an innkeeper” incidents which is hardly that at all, a person summoned a taxi from Mad River Beach. He was driven to Ribeiro Court and then got out and, without paying, headed off in the direction of the hospital. As the cabbie spoke to police, he spotted the deadbeat walking near Spear Avenue, where he went to someone’s door and asked to use her phone. The cab driver followed him until police arrived and detained him. His parole officer was contacted and authorized the man’s arrest.

11:51 a.m. Restraino-complainos don’t stop the jackass in question from orbiting your house in his car and on his bike just outside the prohibited perimeter.

4:12 p.m. A possibly unlocked vehicle on I Street was entered and a box of aluminum, wood and rubber knives used for educational purposes were stolen, a $100 loss.

• Wednesday, March 3 3:14 a.m. One can only imagine the nature of the festivities in progress at the five-person “party” in Room 425 at the cheapest of cheap motels in Valley West. A fairly impressive number of police officers interrupted their game of charades or Perquackey or whatever pastimes they had been engaged in and hung around while they cleared the area.

5:26 a.m. An astounding amount of foot traffic at a recently renovated Union Street apartment warren led the downstairs neighbor to call police. The upstairs resident was described as repeatedly walking back and forth, and continually going up and down the stairs as well. The footloose occupant said he was gathering his belongings because he’d been arrested the previous night, though the actual nature of that cause-and-effect is not detailed.

12:36 p.m. A Ninth Street work supervisor complained that she and her four female staffmembers were being subjected to sexual comments by a patron. The problem had been reported before, police notified and the suspect counseled, but to no avail.

10 a.m. An apartment dweller’s roommate let her sudden husband move into their apartment, which is one thing. But the new cohabitant proceeded to lose two things: a lot of weight in a short time, and his mind. He thinks the apartment is bugged and that police and FBI surveillance cameras are trained on him. He and the wife were to move out soon.

11:34 p.m. A raccoon in a Shirley Boulevard driveway wasn’t particularly impressed with the tongue-lashing it got from the resident. And as for that beer bottle she threw – whatever, lady. But when an officer arrived, the ’coon skittered off.

• Thursday, March 4 12:55 a.m. A live performance of contemporary music involved near-nuclear rhythmic thuddage at an extremely pink G Street house.

10:09 a.m. A downstairs neighbor has reportedly been calling the guy upstairs names and spitting on his windows. The upstairsian feels harassed.

1:37 p.m. After an officer was done dealing with the crazy woman who’d taken a public dump on upper G Street, a change of uniform was in order.

8:23 p.m. An alleged shoplifter gobbled salami nuggets at a 13th Street marketplace, and managed to get arrested for it.

• Friday, March 5 8:32 a.m. An ongoing war between neighbors logged another casualty, suspected one – a cut garden hose.

10:30 a.m. A woman driving creatively in an I Street parking lot managed to smash into several vehicles as well as the building, then nearly hit another car at the lot’s entrance.

1:45 p.m. A Redwood Avenue house is reportedly redolent with that telltale funky-skunky smell.

• Saturday, March 6 8:58 a.m. A traveler on crutches reportedly assaulted a woman and took a sign away from her. An investigating officer determined that there had been “mutual combat over a marking pen.”

• Sunday, March 7 11:15 a.m. Always-on-the-loose dogs in Maria Court earned their owner a warning, as did the car parked in the red zone out front.

5:51 p.m. Another stinkhouse of the skunky strain was reported on I Street.

7:39 p.m. I don’t like the way you park. Let’s argue.

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2 Comments

  1. Jessica said:

    Yeah, those salami nuggets at that 13th-street marketplace are hard to resist!!!

  2. Jo Anne said:

    Thank you for still being the funniest police log ever. I hadn’t read the Police Log for several years and just looked it up to show my boyfriend and you are still brilliant.

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