• Wednesday, January 27 12:51 p.m. “Help, can’t take medicine!” yelled a woman into the phone. She takes 17 different types of medication and got some of them mixed up, resulting in a stomachache and incoherent speech.
2:04 p.m. Mumbled gibberish was also the specialty of a man in comouflage and knit cap holding a trash bag in front of a 13th Street store. Shortly thereafter, a $3 bag o’ chips went missing.
2:29 p.m. A red Aero 80 mo-ped was stolen from Jay Street.
10:06 p.m. Slithy toves were active in the area of Irene Street, trying multiple car doorhandles with the usual success.
• Monday, Feb. 1 1:11 p.m. A mammoth bus adorned with a tarp loomed outside an Eighth Street building, with one of its three-stoner population reportedly exacting harsh justice on a yellow lab puppy. Police found the pup OK, but told the scruffy inhabitants to get their unregistered hulk off the street.
3:33 p.m. Another rolling wreck of a motor home blotted out the landscape for a week in the 2100 block of 11th Street.
• Tuesday, February 2 10:38 a.m. A Northtown pizza restaurant continues to be harassed by free-range chickens.
12:17 p.m. A Holstein cow wandering West End Road was encouraged to moove on.
2:32 p.m. While illegally riding his bike in the Skate Park, a young man fell and was knocked out. While he was unconscious, someone stole his iPod and sweatshirt.
4:57 p.m. A woman reported that another woman with a dog had been “tantalizing” the animal, which came up from behind and bit her.
5:30 p.m. A man in a green jacket was reported “thrusting his hips” in the 1000 block of J Street.
• Wednesday, February 3 9:54 a.m. Immobile, unregistered and unsightly, the White Whale was towed from far west Eighth Street at taxpayer expense.
12:31 p.m. A 30-something man in a green shirt got into an argument with himself at a Uniontown variety store and started throwing things. Who won the argument is not recorded.
3:24 p.m. A woman threatening to drown herself in Valley West was committed.
• Thursday, February 4 12:03 a.m. The City employee who operates the crematorium at the Corp Yard went briefly missing,
2:15 a.m. A man on Percheron Lane reportedly had “a crazy look in his eye,” which turned out to be a bad reaction to some new medication.
7:34 a.m. A bicyclist and truck driver got into an argument on St. Louis Road. The biker grabbed some stuff off the truck and threw it into some bushes, and everyone went on their not-so-merry way.
8:32 a.m. A house on Chester Avenue is redolent with the smell of growing plants. It’s all closed up during the day, but there’s lots of comings and goings at night.
11:45 a.m. A house on 11th Street was again reported at the center of lots of suspicious activity.
4:49 p.m. Someone stole a U.S. and State of California flag in the 3200 block of Janes Road.
4:51 p.m. Eleven granite countertops were stolen from a Valley West construction site.
• Friday, February 5 9:57 a.m. A house near an Old Arcata Road school strongly stinks like growing plants.
9:02 p.m. Three or four adult males were reported in a knife fight at South G and H streets. But the weapons weren’t real, the lads were padded and the whole thing was a medieval re-enactment of some sort. The errant knights were advised about the alarming effect their faux battle had on passersby.
11:21 p.m. A man being kept awake by partying neighbors on Ross Street was upset because he had to get up early and go to work. He said he had “more rights” than they do because he owns his house.
• Saturday, February 7 3:51 p.m. A backpack containing a purse, camera, phone keys and money went missing from a party.
• Sunday, February 8 11:47 a.m. A woman’s purse containing $500 was reported stolen at a friend’s Super Bowl party.
1:45 p.m. A red-bearded man boozed it up at a Uniontown bus stop until warned away.
9:27 p.m. A downstairs tenant at an historic school building in the 1100 block of 16th Street heard people running upsatairs, with doors opening and slamming and drawers being opened and closed. When police arrived, the ghosts of schoolchildren from decades past had had their fun, and nothing material was found awry.