• Monday, May 28 6:43 p.m. An unlocked car parked on West End Road was basically a handy donation bin for any passing slithy toves, who availed themselves of the table saw and tile saw which had been left inside overnight.
10:40 p.m. A noisy generator runs all the time at a house on Susan Street, avoiding high electricity bills that could come to the attention of APD’s Special Services Unit. The information was forwarded to the Special Services Unit.
• Tuesday, May 29 11:29 a.m. Two high school kids found with pot and a pipe were cited in the principal’s office.
1:31 p.m. A new, $379 bike was stolen from the hospital.
4:31 p.m. An unlocked car on Charles Avenue was relieved of a $150 trumpet.
5:25 p.m. Roommate relations had devolved into screaming, but when one adopted a “fighting stance,” police were called.
6:24 p.m. A screaming woman told someone she was going to jump off the pedestrian footbridge onto the freeway. She was taken to a mental health facility.
• Thursday, May 31 3:15 p.m. A woman maintains two wallets, one containing just identification, which she calls her “identity wallet,” and the other containing her credit cards. After she used a card to pay for a meal at a Plaza restaurant, she left and accidentally left her identity wallet behind. Three days later, the restaurant called to tell her they had her wallet, the one without credit cards. But then someone used the credit card number she had charged the meal with to buy something in San Francisco. She believes someone at the restaurant used her card number for the fraudulent purchase.
• Friday, June 1 1:38 p.m. The disputatious roommmates’ relations further soured when one trashed the place and left rotten eggs everywhere.
2:28 p.m. Incoming college students showed up with their parents at an upper H Street apartment they had rented in order to be let in by the landlord. After they pointed out some problems with the apartment, including mold, windows painted shut and a broken smoke alarm, the landlord declared that he wouldn’t rent the place to them. This despite the fact that they had a signed rental agreement and had paid a $2,100 security deposit and $1,500 rent. He told police he refused to rent to them because “they did not appear happy with the conditions of the rental” and that he was keeping the prepaid rent payment. He said he might return some of the rent if he could find another tenant.
6:55 p.m. Something called a “Fabulous Comfort Ambulance” was reported by multiple callers to be weaving all over the road as the driver texted. An officer found a phone number for the “cabulance” and talked to the very helpful Samantha, who got in touch with the crew and said they had denied texting while driving. She said the vehicle was low on fuel.
7:17 p.m. A woman found two baby skunks in the roadway and tried to drop them off at the police station, but the PD wasn’t equipped to take them.
8:40 p.m. A wallet and cell phone were stolen from a locked locker at a Community Park Way health club.
• Saturday, June 2 12:16 a.m. When a woman decided not to let her boyfriend move in with her, he made vague threats about killing all of her friends. Because exterminating dozens of people would ensure a future of romantic bliss.
8:45 a.m. A woman reported inappropriate behavior toward children that occurred 26 years ago, and speculated that her ex-husband “may or may not have child porn on his computer.” She was told to call back if she had any information that was more current, like maybe something that took place in this century.
10:10 a.m. A mountain lion murdered a sheep on Old Arcata Road.
• Sunday, June 3 4 a.m. There was apparent correlation between an unlocked back door on L.K. Wood Boulevard, a black SUV with a “ROCKSTAR” sticker on its back left bumper leaving the area at high speed, and a missing phone, X-box and laptop computer.
4:57 p.m. A woman broke her ankle in Redwood Park, and was extricated for treatment.
• Monday, June 4 12:02 p.m. After he took two guns away from her, a man said his sister threatened to drive off a cliff.
2:49 p.m. A business called police about a package it received “for beautiful women.” Inside was a suspicious-looking can with something unknown inside, so officers took it away.
4:58 p.m. An adult and baby goat shouldn’t oughtta be in the roadway at Janes Road and Foster Avenue. And soon, they weren’t.
5:29 p.m. A traveler’s unattended dog bit a little kid’s pants in Valley West. The child was unhurt, the traveler was admonished.
• Thursday, June 6 9:42 a.m. From within the fetid folds of his rancid green poncho at Samoa Boulevard and K Street was born the mighty roar of the day’s free-range streetcorner screamer. “You are being slaughtered,” bellowed the hirsute howler.
11:21 a.m. After a man was refused a cup of coffee because his card was declined at a G Street mini-mart, someone who looks just like him was caught on video keying the clerk’s car.
11:50 a.m. A woman left her wallet, bulging with credit cards and $550 cash, overnight in a rental trailer at Samoa Boulevard and G Street. How long into the night it actually remained in the trailer is something only known by one of the army of slithy toves that roam the streets after dark.
7:36 p.m. A car was stolen from 12th and G streets.
8:58 p.m. A Boyd Road resident reportedly threatened to shoot a woman and her one-year-old son unless she shut the kid up, a wholly impractical solution. He hadn’t displayed any weaponry, and left shortly after the encounter.
10:06 p.m. It can’t be ruled out that an Alliance Road apartment dweller was enjoying the plangent strains of Screaming Lord Sutch when the neighbors complained. One described the sound as “pounding bass,” a definition which could include such Sutch classics as “Thumping Beat” and possibly even “Gutty Guitar.” But probably not.
• Friday, June 7 9:45 a.m. The two loose dogs were insalubrious enough for the Marsh ecosystem, while their seemingly deranged owner further fouled the silence at the sanctuary with “ranting and raving.” Located underneath a tarp bearing some sort of orange flag, he was admonished and vowed to visit his hortatory halitosis elsewhere.