Mad River Union
ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Voted off his granite island by the City Council, anti-Confederacy war hero and genocidal maniac William McKinley is now having his stolid bronze flanks stressed by sensational scandal.
The grimacing effigy was spotted in a local tavern, exchanging heated words with a woman from out of town. Witnesses to the argument overheard talk of a “non-disclosure agreement” and $130,000 cash payment.
Meanwhile, an interview with Plaza statue’s alleged former romantic interest, reportedly a New York harbor-area resident of some renown, was set to air on Access Humboldt this Sunday night.
In related news, the recently eliminated Jacoby’s Storehouse plaque made an innocuous return to the town square. The plaque was returned to its Eighth and H streets rock, but with its offensive 1963-vintage wording facing the rock in permanent shame.
With no consensus on replacement wording, the calcified back of the plaque was seen as representing pre-biological proto-Earth, the last period of natural history in which no one was arguing.