Mad River Union
ARCATA, APRIL 1 – When a glitch temporarily turned off the tranquility-inducing force field emanating from City Hall’s Peace Pole, all heck immediately broke loose in Arcata.
The first sign of a disturbance in the force was someone leaving the door open after using the newly christened “Par-Tay Loo” public restroom. That precursor to anarchy was followed by a woman seen openly playing with her unleashed ferret on the Plaza. Then, continuing the societal deterioration, a businessman’s abdomen brazenly attacked a passerby’s knife just across the street.
Responding with dispatch, APD officers reluctantly set aside their knitting and rushed out to the Peace Pole to ascertain the reason for its flagging powers of peaceable projection.
An inititial scan with healing crystals turned up disturbing signs of a suppressed aura, while a test-swabbed patch barely registered any Chi.
As puzzled Public Works techs pored over the schematic diagrams in Book 19 of the 63-volume Peace Pole Operator’s Manual, the rampaging Animosity Rover hove to, slapping at the powerless pole and bellowing, “You’re a disgrace!”
That turned out to be a lucky break, since it exposed the pole’s base and a hitherto unknown battery compartment. Its elderly Ray-O-Vac “C” cells showing no charge, a tech was dispatched to the CVS store across the street.
He returned with a fresh set, which were installed, and the pole pushed upright. The change was immediate.
As its peace-promoting powers again propagated across City Hall’s lawn, a woman who had discarded a full bag of dog poop on the front lawn was seized by a fit of conscience and drove back from Westhaven to retrieve it.
Up G Street, a bank robbery in progress ground to a halt as the bad guys became overwhelmed with compassion for the frightened staff and customers, turned their weapons over to them and laid down on the floor to await police.
And all over town, Internet-obsessed cranks mining online news to find some trivial flaw in the activities of others around which to build an elaborate, heavily embroidered condemnation designed to waste hours of everyone’s time, asked themselves deep and probing questions about their life choices
As another unintended consequence, Arcata-based contributions to the comment section of the Lost Coast Outpost website dwindled to almost nothing.
Peace Pole advocates hope to erect a matrix of the poles across Northern California, creating an interferometric mesh of peaceful emanations. A proposal to co-locate 5G antennas on the populace-pacifying poles was under consideration, despite concerns about duplication of effort.