• Wednesday, March 23 12:15 a.m. A man at 11th and F streets deposited a bottle of bodily fluid there and then went behind a laundromat for purposes unknown but the wholesomeness of which is open to speculation. He explained that he was stashing his gear for later. The “liquid’s” fate is undocumented and best left that way.
12:34 p.m. A passerby wasn’t confident that the fence could contain three bloodthirsty-looking dogs on F Street. The owner said he’d keep an eye on the dogs, and the fence looked new enough to withstand their furies.
2:55 p.m. The lady called about people digging under her house again.
• Thursday, March 24 10:42 a.m. An older woman who stank of pot barged into a Lewis Avenue house claiming to represent some company or other, then left in a van.
1:16 p.m. A streetcorner blitherer in the 500 block of H Street distinguished himself from the usual howling hordes with threats to kill people. Police took him to a mental health facility.
2:57 p.m. An extremely depressed person’s only death threat was self-directed. The person was transported from a local clinic to the same mental health facil.
• Friday, March 25 11:06 a.m. A customer walking past the Carport of Mystery, Adventure and Romance happened to notice a pair of pants on fire there. He tossed them into a puddle of water, extinguishing the trouser inferno. With the pant-reactor contained in its cooling pond, police were called in. An officer tsk-tsked some scruffies huddled in a nearby alcove, who either didn’t know about the blazing pantalooons or were doing a fairly effortless imitation of indolent ignorami.
6:57 p.m. A housesitter on Diamond Drive locked her keys and purse inside. She didn’t have a number at which the residents could be reached, but somehow an officer was able to contact them and a locksmith was authorized.
11:47 p.m. Tempting fate, a reckless bicyclist in all-black clothes weaved in and out of traffic on Buttermilk Lane, yelling all the way. Police didn’t find him.
• Saturday, March 26 12:43 a.m. Hurly-burly party boys on Baldwin Avenue made missiles of bottles, directing the sudsy husks toward officers. Police arrested three imbeciles and billed the host for the services of four police officers for 14 minutes.
1:28 p.m. A mother claimed that her ex-husband had refused to return their child after a scheduled visitation. Their arrangement is that the boy spends odd-numbered birthdays with his mother and even-numbered birthdays with his dad. A hand-off was scheduled for the next day.
4:20 p.m. In a rare daylight slithy tove sighting, a man who’d stopped at the Post Office came out to find a blue-hoodied man with “shaggy dirty” hair rummaging through his car. He took a knife away from the punk and chased him away before he could steal anything.
7:06 p.m. Four drunken louts at a Janes Road restaurant’s bar were reported threatening the bartender, though one multi-tasking menace managed to further hone his repugnance skills with a little vomiting on the side. Police arrested one on a public drunkenness charge.
• Sunday, March 27 2:18 a.m. The lodger in Room 221 complained of yelling and thumping, possibly lots of people in Room 219. An officer went and interviewed seven people there, but found the situation “not as reported” and the complaint “unfounded.”
9:39 a.m. After some sort of conflict with a Plaza restaurant owner, a man with a shaved head threw dishes at, then pepper sprayed employees. He then went to APD and said the owner had attacked him, so that makes the employee attack kinda OK.
12:59 p.m. A man clad in all black was observed dragging and kicking a white-and-brown pit bull on Valley East Boulevard. When a passerby objected, the man said “Don’t tell me how to train my dog.”
3:25 p.m. A woman at an Alliance Road apartment complex went door to door asking for syringes.
4:56 p.m. A blonde-haired woman stole two bottles of vodka from a Uniontown supermarket.
• Monday, March 28 4:44 a.m. A super drunk-sounding woman called 911 from Beverly Drive, first stating that she didn’t have an emergency. Five minutes later she called back distraught and crying, saying that her roommates were causing an argument, so she had taken her cell phone and, fearing for her safety, retreated to the succor of the bathroom. An officer determined that the dispute was over a cell phone. After leaving, someone else called and said the woman was extremely irate and causing another argument. Police went and arrested her on a public drunkenness charge.
9:55 a.m. A customer at the window of a Weott Way pharmacy mumbled and slurred his words, but managed to get across that if he had a gun, he would shoot the employee in the stomach. Police found him delusional and had him committed.
11:57 a.m. An Ariel Way resident said he has an ongoing problem with someone who wants to kill him. His walls aren’t well insulated, and last night at 11 p.m., he heard a male voice say, “You are a dead man.” Police told him and another guy to stop contacting each other until the restraining order(s) kicked in.
3:10 p.m. After threatening to kill herself by jumping out in front of cars, an Alliance Road resident was committed for her own safety.
4:23 p.m. A woman reported that a car which had run a stop sign was now in an Arcata Heights bank’s drive-thru window. She declined to provide her name, saying she gets tired of saying it since she calls so much. She asked that the driver be told not to run stop signs.
4:31 p.m. An F Street resident said that while he was away, his roommates took his bicycle to San Francisco and damaged it. He said he wanted to go to the courthouse and file a small claims suit against the roommates. He estimated the bike’s value at $50.
• Tuesday, March 29 7:06 a.m. A blotto bumbler, unsuccessful in keeping his pants from falling down around his ankles on the Plaza, was found to have an outstanding warrant out of Plumas County, and was arrested.
10:15 a.m. After staggering around the hospital and talking to signposts, a man got in his car and drove away. Stopped by police, he was cited and released for vehicle code violations.
12:05 p.m. A Valley West resident said he had caught his neighbor peering in his window a few weeks previous and chased her off. And now he heard a neighbor say the word “window” out loud.
1:13 p.m. A Samoa Boulevard office worker complained for the umpteenth time about people smoking outside her window.
6:30 p.m. A caller from F Street said unruly youths there struck vehicles with a bag of bagels.
In the alleyway near donut store
Them bongos, too loud to ignore
Set off neighbor gripes
Cops found alleysnipes
And told them to not play no more
• Wednesday, March 30 10:04 a.m. A caller reported that a dog was being kept inside a pantry at an Alliance Road apartment, and it did not look very healthy. In fact the caller didn’t think it was alive, a distinctly unhealthy condition. An officer went and checked it out and found no dog or anything like the situation reported. The resident said he doesn’t have a dog, and it’s been years since he owned one.