Madness Ribber Funion
ARCATA PLAZA, APRIL 1 – Propinquity, a Plaza panhandler, is slowly consolidating his control over a strategic portion of the Plaza’s center, according to reports flooding into the Union’s newsroom.
After standing outside the Post Office for 20 minutes muttering “Spare change?” to no avail, Propinquity gave up and by some unknowable primal urge, slumped toward the Plaza’s center.
Along the way, he marveled at several interesting objects which had sloughed off of fellow Plazoids – half a guitar top, a sparkly star, some wilted flowers.
Claiming a sitting spot at the Plaza’s center, Propinquity laid the items out before him and noticed that they formed a sort of security perimeter. Even cigarette cadgers stood on the far side of his flowers to lean over and suck a hit off the “P-man’s” smoke, that being a term of endearment usually deployed when someone wants something from him.
Over the course of the next 20 minutes or so, a thought formed in his head – in itself an unprecedented event. Strolling nonchalantly over to a bench. P-man snatched up a discarded cardboard sign, then swooped down on a group of picnickers who were momentarily distracted by a beer truck just departing Arcata Liquors. “Hey look, it says ‘BUD’,” cackled Broccoli, a fine young stoner. “Imagine a bud the size of that truck!”
As visions of mammoth megabuds danced in the heads of a distracted Broccoli and his fellow sitarounders, it was easy for P-man to swipe their swatch of golden shag rug right out from under them with a bold tug that didn’t even knock over the communal bong.
The rug and other items were dragged to the Plaza’s center, where P-man arranged them for maximum Feng Shui, creating a sunny patch where he could laze in relative privacy.
His plan boomeranged though, as P-man found himself shunned by fellow ’Zoids. “What the hell is this?” demanded Moonflower. “Putting effort into something doesn’t exactly set a good example around here, y’know. Ya tryin’ ta make the rest of us look like we’re lazy or something?”
Succumbing to peer pressure, Propinquity scattered some cigarette butts and dogshit around, to approving oohs and ahhs from the surrounding sitabouts.