• Saturday, May 19 4:01 a.m. A neighbor fond of playing loud music and slamming doors branched out and diversified his creative destruction hobbies by offering to break an objecting neighbor’s neck.
12:41 p.m. A family of geese tried to cross the southbound freeway offramp on Samoa Boulevard, causing vehicles to compassionately and yet dangerously swerve.
2:24 p.m. A car left overnight in the Community Park lot was stolen.
3:19 p.m. A woman said her ex-boyfriend had called her 15 to 20 times to tell her that he was en route from Manila to sleep on her couch. Police told him to stop making so many couch reservations.
• Sunday, May 20 12:05 a.m. The Citizens Volunteer Patrol car was parked at a Uniontown gas station when a man in dirty pants and shoes and a NASCAR shirt reached into the open driver’s side window and tried to put the car into gear. The volunteers pushed him away, and he was last seen skulking around near a defunct pizza parlor.
1:26 a.m. A mountain lion cruised the swampy field west of Bayside Road, looking for varmints upon which to gnaw.
2:19 a.m. A slithy tove in a patch-festooned jacket busted into a car on Chester Avenue and “moved paperwork around.”
1:57 p.m. A man amused himself firing projectiles of some sort into the water at the Marsh, then sending his dog to retrieve them. He was cited for something unspecified.
Drumming, considered detestable
Proved eerily ear-indigestible
At the Creamery of Olde
Folks there to behold
The annular sun eclipse festival
• Monday, May 21 10:18 a.m. A woman said she had evidence that her live-in boyfriend of nine months was drugging her and her son. He told her that if she leaves him, he will “come after her.”
• Tuesday, May 22 12:17 a.m. After being observed spitting in a doorway and putting a lit cigarette in a truck’s gas tank, an unwell woman was detained and later arrested on arson charges.
4:29 p.m. Extension cords and airhoses may or may not have been the intended quarry of sticky-fingered slithy toves on Hilfiker Drive over the weekend. More likely, they were just the only items left vulnerable to the ever-acquisitive ripoffians.
4:54 p.m. A black cow wandered Golf Course Road, looking nervous about its junket to Ban-lon land. It wandered into a wooded area as the owner was notified to get his big black cow and get (it) out of here.
9:45 p.m. A woman was concerned that her so-called boyfriend had tampered with her home’s water supply, possibly introducing anti-freeze into it.
• Thursday, May 24 1:12 a.m. When a booze-enstupidated bar patron was cut off from buying more drinks, he only affirmed the bartender’s decision by spitting on the bar owner. He then departed for another tavern, where he was found and arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
2:18 a.m. A non-disabled lout auto-squatted in a handicapped spot at a Valley West motel, leaving only after a wholly unnecessary argument.