Mad River Union AF
ARCATA, April 1 – Eyeing what worked for any number of other civic groups, Arcata’s lowlifes and lurkabouts have busted out the butcher paper in hopes of better allocating their resources and more efficiently annoying everyone else in town.
A historic pact signed last year by a consortium of activists and organizations included Arcata Main Street, both Rotary Clubs, the Knights of Pythias, CommUnity Pride & Peace, Food Not Bombs, Drunk and Drunker, the NoHum Nug-Slingers, Brent, Sunflower, The Arcata Coalition of Irresponsible Pet Owners, Slumpabouts for Peace or Whatever, The Way of the Tunic, Trimmigrants International, Queen Doubles, the Revolving Confederation of Petty Criminals, That One Guy Who Won’t Shut Up, the Insufferable Do-Gooders Guild, the Yaksmen’s Mobile Debating Society, Halitosis Humboldt, Dipshits Without Borders, Penny Popcorn Theatre and the Occupy Arcata Remembrance Society – raised hopes of resurgent peace and love downtown.
Seeking efficiencies, the non-contributors gathered at the Community Center's Arts & Crafts Room to better allocate their resources.
Facilitated by experienced public nuisances Yvonne Wormly and Greta Gerbil, the assemblage of no-goodniks offered suggestions, which were duly recorded on the butcher paper pad generously provided by Butchco International.
These included dividing the downtown into quadrants emanating from the Plaza’s center area, which is rumored to have once hosted a statue.
Henceforth, designated Nuisance Teams will deploy to the newly defined regions on a rotating basis, ensuring that all citizens experience the full range of quality-of-life eroding annoyances.
Action Teams formed at the meeting were intended to optimize the various talents of the attendees. The teams include the Persistent Panhandlers, Streetcorner Screechers, Alcove Vomiteers, Random Harassers and Porch Plant Vandalizers.
The group plans to meet again after six months and evaluate its progress. Future agenda items include creation of a research team to innovate fresh nuisance activities and better consume resources intended for the underprivileged.
Citing unspecified “concerns,” Humboldt Baykeeper is reportedly monitoring the situation.