• Saturday, May 15 5:54 p.m. A youth reported a man swinging a machete at another man at the Little League field. When asked to put an adult on the line, the kid hung up. Police went over and counseled the telephone funsters on proper use of 911.
9:32 p.m. A person walking past an H Street apartment building passed a van parked out front. Suddenly, the van’s back door opened and a “sketchy” man with a scarred face clambered out, asking the passerby for a cigarette. That was when the person noticed three little girls also getting out of the van. Police couldn’t locate the van or the people in it.
9:35 p.m. After everyone in the mobile home got all liquored up, a 38-year-old man allegedly assaulted his dad. Police separated everyone.
• Tuesday, May 18 1:41 a.m. A man in a cowboy hat and jersey walked out of a Uniontown shopping center with unpaid-for beer. For some reason, he then walked back in, saying he forgot to pay, replaced the beer and left.
10:21 a.m. A man complained that a local church had written him a check, then ordered payment stopped. He was advised of small claims court procedures.
1:42 p.m. A man allegedly exposed himself to a 10-year-old girl in a Community Park Way hot tub.
1:52 p.m. After a citizen wired some $1,800 to a Denver company for a Rottweiler, the company demanded $300 more for delivery of the dog, texting her that if she didn’t come up with the money she would “suffer the consequences.”
1:59 p.m. Drunk and horizontal with his pants half down in the alley between the dollar store and the flower shop. Then arrested.
2:08 p.m. A citizen trying to drive safely out of an I Street parking lot couldn’t see where she was going because the giant *UCK YEAH! bus blocked her view.
4:40 p.m. A male and female engaged in some sort of tawdry rendezvous by the romantic drainage pipe culvert between the plumbing shop and burger bar were joined by a man not noticeably clothed. The trio apparently concluded their business and scattered before police arrived, sparing anyone else the mind-scarring imagery.
5:17 p.m. While he toiled in an Arcata Heights restaurant, someone came in through the back door and stole a man’s jacket, which contained his wallet and cell phone.
11:37 p.m. A woman whose toe had been amputated a few days previous suffered recurring pain and needed another visit to the hospital.
• Wednesday, May 19 1:02 a.m. A middle-aged woman with a knit cap and backpack asked a Janes Road resident for assistance, then crossed the street and began vomiting. She was taken to a nearby hospital.
2:35 a.m. A drunken woman staggered down Fickle Hill Road bellowing “911! 911!” She was arrested.
4:18 a.m. After making a wholly unnecessary fuss in a Northtown motel lobby, a man sporting the de rigueur backpack/bandana combo couture so fancied by today’s professional roving raver repeated his desultory dramaturgy at an all-night Uniontown variety store. He was directed elsewhere.
9:16 p.m. Some travelers in a van parked for weeks in and around a Samoa Boulevard hydroponics emporium, emerging from time to time to water the nearby bushes.
11:17 a.m. A woman related a scrambled tale of a mysterious stranger whom she met via an ad posted on a downtown kiosk. Although he had made a copy of her apartment key, he climbed in through a window and stole a couch, leaving behind a heap of pornography. Police found her non-crazy and at that point, she clammed up.
2:17 p.m. It turns out two jackets were stolen from the back restaurant hallway the day before. Employees went looking and found one of the coats in some sort of shooting gallery. Police collected the needles for destruction.
When somebody’s drum set was damaged
And not by his musical jammage
To his friend, not confessin’:
“I’ll teach [you] a lesson”
Implying impending fist-whammage
11:40 p.m. When the doorman at an H Street club asked one would-be patron for his ID, the baseball-capped bon vivant hissy-flitted away into the night.
• Thursday, May 20 1:24 p.m. A man hung himself on Wyatt Lane. The coroner was notified.
3:10 p.m. Three women passed a bong around near the donut shop.
An alleyside saxophone blew
And donut shop neighbs came unglued
They called for enforcement
To teach some remorsement
To horn-man, whose concert was through
9:33 p.m. Having gone four minutes without police intervention, the donut shop threatened to lower its average until a patron ended the small eternity with a complaint. A 23-year-old, he said, is following his 15-year-old son around town threatening him over the alleged theft of his marijuana and iPod.
• Friday, May 21 8:25 a.m. A connecting door between two affordably-priced motel rooms had been broken, with money and jewelry taken. They of allegedly larcenous hearts who had been in Room 243 were now said to be in Room 112, possibly inventorying their ill-gotten gains, but police found it empty.
8:36 a.m. Two menfolk and a woman passed around a pipe of breakfast pot in an H Street store’s doorway. As is customary, the toking had subsided when an officer arrived and the buzzees were admonished.
10:15 a.m. When friends of a Zelia Court resident discovered that his back door had been kicked in, they cleaned up the mess but didn’t call police. He later returned from a trip and discovered his laptop computer and fly fishing reel stolen.
3:20 p.m. A seventh grader reportedly stole an eighth grader’s iPod out of his backpack, then traded it to another student. A teacher got it back, but only after someone had run up a $300 charge on iTunes.
9:29 p.m. Someone pulled over to ask Thomas why he was “squatting” at the corner of Buttermilk Lane and Bayside Road. Words were exchanged and police went to talk to the homeless sculptor. He was admonished for camping and has since left the area.
10:04 p.m. An unknown man knocked on an Anderson lane home and asked the resident if she had a spare sleeping bag.
• Saturday, May 22 12:43 a.m. A woman called AAA from her car at the Community park, reporting that it was “sinking.” An officer found her parked in the red zone next to the wetlands pond with the water rising.
A Susan Street rock guitar shredder
So awesomely wailed, unfettered
By front-doory closing
The sound so imposing
But neighbors thought quiet was better
• Sunday, May 23 2:40 a.m. “Stop! Stop! It hurts!” cried a woman’s voice from a 14th Street residence. This happens routinely, and it’s not clear whether the screams and banging derive from a physical altercation or violently intimate relations.
10:36 p.m. A medicine transaction didn’t go as planned. The medicine was marijuana, the location was the Marsh Interpretive Center parking lot and the caregiver never got out of the red Honda. After getting the money for the meds, the dispenser threw a bag at the customer and zoomed away. In the bag was not the prized nugs, but some un-smokable clothes.
• Monday, May 24 12:16 a.m. A man reported being “punched on the lips” by a stranger on H Street.
12:24 a.m. A Valley West Boulevard resident reported a man with a pick axe making noise outside her apartment, disturbing her cat.
8:28 a.m. Two traveling gents enjoying a bubbly breakfast in a Uniontown shopping center’s courtyard were barely buzzed when a bunch of cops showed up and made them pour out the precious malt beverage into the shrubbery.
9:59 a.m. Another veiled threat was scrawled on the Arcata Eye’s office door). Anyone know how to get Sharpie ink off wood?
1:22 p.m. Sidewalk schlubs clumped up to fantastic proportions outside the donut shop, offering pedestrians the choice of climbing over a wriggling mass of flesh, flannel, backpacks, puppies and cardboard signs or going out into traffic to get around them. Police came and cited seven of the eight to 10 travelers, with at least one arrested for warrants.
2:05 p.m. Someone called from a payphone to report having just been inside a vehicle with a large amount of methamphetamine. He wouldn’t give his name, couldn’t describe the car and didn’t know where it was.
2:10 p.m. After an alleged shoplifting at a Uniontown supermarket, the suspect diverted whatever residual energy he had been devoting to a futile effort to grow convincing sideburns to his legs, and fled westward, the wispy post-pubescent facial hair not noticeably impairing his aerodynamic load. His movements were tracked past a video shop until police found and arrested Mr. Measly McMuttonchop in the middle of Seventh Street.
• Tuesday, May 25 6:46 a.m. A stump fire in the Community Forest was detected by a park ranger, who called firefighters . One individual was nearly arrested for refusing to leave an emergency scene when directed to do so.