• Saturday, September 16 6:19 p.m. A man hung out in a parking lot near a Union Street school, reportedly trying to lure children into his red car. He wasn’t found.
7:07 p.m. Red car man was again reported on Union Street. This time he was located and arrested on unspecified charges.
10:29 p.m. An ursine interloper on Panorama Drive may have been smarter than the average bear, as it took someone’s yummy garbage can into the forest for offline processing.
• Sunday, September 17 8:55 a.m. A septuagenarian became dizzy and passed out at the nexus of Trails 7 and 13. A park ranger and ambulance gathered him up.
9:26 a.m. A man who had instigated fights with several people at a Janes Road mobile home park escalated tensions by threatening to beat another man up and kill his dog. And trendlines were discouraging, as he was said to be “getting weirder.”
9:28 a.m. A barefoot woman outside City Hall was described as “wired” or “high on something.”
10:38 a.m. Big Al’s dog barked.
11:19 a.m. A “sound box” delivered to the porch of a Spear Avenue house disappeared.
11:24 a.m. A 13th Street coin collector ordered a 1906 gold buffalo coin, but someone went through his mail and stole it.
2:07 p.m. A pantsless man in a Valley West field was urged to retrouser.
• Wednesday, September 20 11:16 a.m. Traveler-types hosted a dopey-boozy brunch in Bret Harte Alley.
1:18 p.m. Two travelers set up a guitar-involved passerby-harassment station in Minor Alley. One was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
1:36 p.m. A Union Street resident committed suicide by gunshot to the chest.
2:30 p.m. Hippies agglomerated in the parking lot behind the Fire Station. They were advised to keep it down to a dullard roar.
• Thursday, September 21 9:48 a.m. While traffic studies indicate that the average speed of motorists on narrow Buttermilk Lane is a family- and feline-friendly 26 or 27 miles per hour, there are those who rocket down the road at 30, 40, even 60 miles per hour. On this day, an impatient delivery van driver rushing fresh towels to the country club unsafely passed a car that was going the speed limit.
10:39 a.m. A black-and-white steer went missing on Alliance Road.
1:02 p.m. At 11th and G streets, geniuses were reported throwing kittens into the street in order to make them fight each other.
1:47 p.m. A quartet of carousers dizzily milled about in the donut shop alley. One was drunk enough to be arrested.
6:10 p.m. As a woman made her way across the Plaza to work, a non-gentleman unveiled his ghastly reproductive equipment, providing fellow slouchabout-sophisticators a moment of hilarity.
• Friday, September 22 2:02 a.m. After being dropped off near the Plaza, a taxicab passenger complained about overcrowding in the cab, with people lying across others’ laps and someone stuffed in the trunk.
9:28 a.m. A surfboard left on a Sunset Avenue truck disappeared per routine.
9:30 a.m. Tools valued at $330 – a miter saw, portable car battery charger and an air pump – disappeared from a California Avenue garage.
2:02 a.m. Hunters on Roberts Way brought a deer to be validated with its head no longer attached to its body. The head had only spike antlers, apparently disqualifying the deer from being legal to hunt. Fish and Game officials issued the hunters a notice to appear and confiscated the head and carcass, but only after police were called in to stand by since the hunters were agitated.
11:53 a.m. A dog jumped up on a 70-year-old woman at a Valley West shopping center, scratching her with its claws. She cleaned up and composed herself in a restaurant’s restroom.
3:02 p.m. A man left a backpack containing a laptop computer in his car on Hidden Creek Road. An inevitable thief broke in and stole it.
4:17 p.m. A $329 generator was stolen from a Valley West business, but it was found in a shopping cart stashed near some transformers across the road, and recovered. Then the guy came back and stole it again.
5:37 p.m. Ashley had some drinks and was “freaking out,” but then decided to go to bed.
9:14 p.m. A man who likes to pound on someone’s door drunkenly wobbled away, but was located near a “Philly cheesecake” shop and arrested.
• Saturday, September 23 9:06 a.m. So rude and unpleasant is an Eighth Street resident, that schizophrenia was suggested.
9:43 a.m. A green truck at 18th and H streets had two turtles in the back, but no food or water. The owners were located in a nearby apartment, and said they had set the shelled ones out to get their daily amount of required sun.
12:02 p.m. Two men with backpacks yelled at each other in Bret Harte Alley, and one was “associated with a skateboard” as well as a backwards baseball cap. Apparently one had lost a cell phone and wallet, but the other guy wasn’t a suspect.
• Sunday, September 24 10:32 a.m. Someone left a vehicle open and unattended for a while near the Redwood Lodge, and never saw his iPad again.
10:50 a.m. An agitated man whose harsh methods of training his puppy have drawn complaints said that because of false allegations of abuse by unknown forces, gang members have been “put up to kidnapping the dog.” Other people interfere when he is “stern” with the pup, which causes the little creature to not follow his directions. He was told that further allegations of abuse could lead to investigation and charges.
11:38 a.m. Recycling pirates are becoming bolder, with one guy using a pickup truck entering an Escarda Court backyard to rummage through the rubbage.
12:27 p.m. A lower H Street resident who seems to have all kinds of nocturnal misadventures reported the theft of two guitars and some money during the previous night.
12:43 p.m. A trifecta of dickishness was delivered to East 12th Street via a gleaming white Lincoln Continental. The inelegant hulk bore expired registration as it parked illegally, then the occupants dumped their trash in a resident’s garbage can. An officer graced the low-effort luxo-barge with a crisp new parking ticket.
3:15 p.m. Contrasting the white Lincoln in both color and scale, a massive black posed similar annoyance by parking on K Street and disgorging an estimated 38 urban travelers for excellent Arcata adventures. After two or three weeks of this, a business complained.
3:24 p.m. Dude pulled up in the Westwood Center parking lot, smoked a bowl and drove off.
3:55 p.m. After a guy in a black hoodie spent his afternoon yelling “Tap out!” in a downtown alley, an officer found and advised the tap-tastic tripper on downtown animal issues.
8:40 p.m. Mr. McKinley glowered disapprovingly at the drugged-out woman immobilized at his feet, but then he does that to everyone. She got the medical attention she needed.
10:04 p.m. After hanging around a 13th Street marketplace for an hour or so, a skeezy-skinny dude in a blue hoodie tried to steal a woman’s purse in the parking lot. She gave chase and with the help of bystanders, recovered her purse.
• Monday, September 25 8:37 a.m. An “oriental” woman was said to be on meth and calling people names in a downtown donut repository.
11:34 a.m. A lower H Street resident complained that a woman there wasn’t making him feel better, so he wanted her to leave.
A bongo recital got started
On I street the drummers were charted
Police, busy elsewhere
Took an hour to get there
By then bongoloids had departed
6:45 p.m. A St. Louis Road outbuilding was entered through a broken door, with a car burglarized and tools stolen.
• Tuesday, September 26 8:18 a.m. A Larry Street resident couldn’t help but notice the baggily-panted man hanging around her van for the past 10 minutes with some kind of something in his hand. Confronted by the resident, the man said, “My friends are in the van.” Extra patrols were scheduled.
8:48 a.m. A business equipped an employee with tools, and then the employee didn’t show up for the job. Then two company cell phones went missing.
1:52 p.m. During a dainty soiree on Beverly Drive in which the host had chugged so much booze he blacked out, one of several distinguished guests may have stolen the only key to his truck, and the truck, too. That being his only key, he kept it under a rock in the front yard.
• Wednesday, September 27 12:41 p.m. A guest at a low-budget Valley West motel reported that her RV was being gradually picked clean over the course of a two-night stay. Thieves siphoned the gas out, severed bungee cords to steal an empty gas can and taken multiple tools. Several guests and their vehicles had been similarly victimized.