• Saturday, December 1 4:53 a.m. After a roommate dispute became physical on I Street, they found agreement on one point – that they should go in opposite directions for a while.
12:44 p.m. A man in an orange sweatshirt was reported walking in circles at 14th and H streets.
1:35 p.m. A high-pitched whining sound with sparks was reported, and yet there was no City Council meeting in progress. The noise briefly emanated from some cranky compressor pumps on lower G Street.
2:28 p.m. After slashing a tire at Eighth and H streets, a man in a dark gray hoodie slumped away westward.
9:53 p.m. After being chased out of a Valley West apartment building’s dumpster, a man returned and hurled a large rock at the side of the building to rectify the injustice, creating no damage or measurable injustice-rectification.
• Sunday, December 2 2:42 a.m. An argument with a friend left a woman extremely depressed. This alarmed her roommate, since the woman had previously tried to drown herself in the bathtub. This time, she said she wanted to be institutionalized, but meanwhile was back on her meds and in touch with a counselor.
7:58 a.m. A man came to the station to report that he had attempted to withdraw $400 from a downtown ATM, but no money came out despite his receipt showing a $400 draw.
8:59 a.m. The back window of a hatchback was smashed out at Fifth and G streets.
10:41 a.m. A woman called because her husband and children were stranded in the Mad River Beach parking lot. The lot was flooding but the gate was locked, and the father had moved the car to the lot’s highest ground. APD arranged for the Sheriff’s Office to come and let them out.
12:53 p.m. A dead body wearing white shoes was reported on the train tracks at Samoa and K streets. It turned out to be a bundle of trash.
3:15 p.m. A man lying in a field near a Valley West hotel looked kinda dead, but was just napping.
6:55 p.m. A male person suspected of stealing a jacket from a downtown store was spotted at the transit center wearing the very coat in question. His mother was called, came to the scene and the lad was cited.
7:59 p.m. Mindful of recent burglaries in the neighborhood, a woman confronted a sketchy dude in a green pickup truck who looked like he was casing a house at 16th and I streets. He didn’t like that, and became verbally aggressive.
10:24 p.m. As reconstructed from the general narrative in the dispatcher log, a 911-call conversation with a lower H Street resident went like this:
“My girlfriend is staggering around in the street in front of Mad River Community Hospital.”
“How do you know that, since you’re calling from your home on South H Street?”
“The hospital stabilized her medical condition and discharged her. I called for a cab to bring her here, but the cab called back to say there was a delay. I don’t want her wandering around in front of the hospital.”
“She’s an adult and has been released from the hospital, none of which is a police problem.”
“Should I call the hospital? Do you have any advise?”
“It’s your choice. I have no advise for you.” Click.
11:16 p.m. The lower H Street 911 enthusiast called again.
“My girlfriend is being abusive and threatening violence.”
“That’s not a criminal threat.”
“If you’d like to have to get another job, I can arrange that.”
“You’re threatening me and I’m hanging up.” Click.
11:20 p.m. The 911-obsessive called the emergency line again, apparently just to enjoy the ambiance, because he didn’t say anything. Silence reigned until the dispatcher said that if he kept abusing 911, an officer would be sent over to arrest him. He said he pays his taxes, and that his girlfriend needed evaluation for alcohol poisoning. He was told that police officers aren’t medical professionals and can’t make that kind of evaluation, and was asked if he was calling for an ambulance. He said he was, so one was sent. He then called 911 to report that people were banging on his doors and windows. He was told that that was the ambulance personnel trying to locate the medical emergency. The man yelled, “You’re fired!” and hung up the phone. An officer checked the backyard, where the supposedly alcohol-poisoned woman was asleep in a greenhouse, but she couldn’t be located and the man refused to answer the door.
• Monday, Dec. 3 1:21 a.m. The 911 hobbyist called yet again. This time he said a woman had assaulted him in his backyard. Asked if he wished to make a formal police report and file charges, he said yes. He then launched into an exhaustive, nostalgic review of all his previous 911 calls, noting that “this is like the fourth time I’ve called tonight.” The dispatcher, who had endured the spurious series of calls, was well aware of this, and replied, in so many words, “Yes, I KNOW.” “Then why isn’t anyone helping me?” he retorted. The dispatcher pointed out that he’d summoned an ambulance, then refused to answer the door when paramedics and officers arrived. The man then asked to speak to a supervisor to file a complaint against the dispatcher, but was told he couldn’t do that on 911, which is for life-and-death emergencies. Asked again if he wished to file a police report for the assault, he hung up.
10:36 a.m. Him again. The latest life-and-death crisis was that his backyard fence had been torn down and the lock ripped off of the gate and campers were infesting the yard. He said he was being threatened by “minions of people,” and that if an officer wished to speak with him, he would need an advance call because he was bedridden, housebound and in too much pain to get out of bed. He next asked for the watch commander to call him, and this was done. He was told that there was no basis for his calls and that he shouldn’t use 911 frivolously or obstruct personnel when they respond to his house. He was reminded of penal code statues governing 911 use, and told of civil remedies for resolving landlord-tenant disputes.