Mad River Union AF
ARCATA/CANTON, April 1 – A trove of letters and artifacts from the late 1860s is lending fresh creedence to the theories of “McKinley Truthers.” The shocking discoveries paint the 25th president as ahead of his time in some unfortunate respects, and support what the McTruthers call “the Leon Czolgosz Hoax.”
A box of artifacts apparently secreted away by the Canton Haranguer-Bassoon newspaper contained numerous hand-penned documents, plus an array of saucy antiquities, these being graphic depictions of McKinley’s manly prowess executed in a range of artistic media from the period.
A subsequent analysis by noted forensic historian Dr. Erasthenes Dupree revealed that the papers were letters of an extremely personal nature, sent from President McKinley to his wife-to-be, Ida Saxton, during their courtship.
The material, which would surely prove damning to any presidential aspirant if made public, appears to have been secreted away from public view as part of a “catch and kill” policy of burying negative stories conducted by the Haranguer-Bassoon’s corrupt publisher and staunch McKinley loyalist, Mr. Perry Prong.
The collection was contained in a lead cask which fell out of the leg of Arcata’s McKinley statue on arrival in Canton.
Reads one of the newly unearthed letters:
My dear Ida,
As I labor away on pressing court briefs, my thoughts stray to our most recent evening together, when we ascended to the zenith of passion within the muffled confines of your grandmother’s armoire.
I should be pleased to further enjoin your tender caresses and return them with parries by our mutual acquaintance, the “Sceptre of Farquhar,” at the earliest opportunity.
Meanwhile, dearest, please make full benefit of the gift included in this epistle as an augury of things to come, as it were.
Yours sincerely, The Rough Rider.”
The letter, transmitted early in their romance, was wrapped around a tusk-like whalebone scrimshaw upon which has been engraved an unmistakeable, nauseatingly detailed image of a fully alert male member, presumably that of “Young Hickory,” at that point very much on the rise.
The ribald artifact appears to be an early iteration of what is known today as the unfortunate cyber-phenomenon that rhymes with “Trick Pics.” There is no evidence that Miss Saxton ever saw the libidinous missive, nor utilized its appliance.
The 1869 letter is one of several similar ones sent by the lusty lawyer, later to be known derisively but with unsuspected accuracy as “Wobbly Willie.”
As their courtship progressed, the letters show that McKinley’s muse grows ever more impassioned. The letters become progressively more fevered, and the attached artworks more elaborate. Reads one:
Ida, my delicate Canton Carnation,
As I made final arguments in court today, my efforts to forestall thoughts of your omnibus favors were unsuccessful, leaving this barrister helplessly engorged in mind, body and soul with anticipation of our next encounter.
In these circumstances, it became necessary to argue my client’s brief from behind the counsel table, its stout oak platform obscuring my desperate condition. While this may have muted my persuasive force, it only made more keen my turgid yearnings to further annoy thee with “Hector’s Scimitar.”
Yours incessantly, William
The scimitar in question was depicted in a bas relief tablet about the size of an iPad and weighing 14 pounds, the elevation probably not to scale.
The final letter, sent in late 1870 just prior to their marriage, includes a rendering of a randy-looking McKinley in the manspreading guise of the Barberini Faun, lying lustily, licentiously akimbo as an a "drunken satyr." Except, that is, crowned with McKinley’s sensually bulbous cranium.
“This explains everything,” said Dieter Devilbiss, conspirator-in-chief of the McKinley Truthers. “Wild Bill” had to be disappeared because of these naughty letters, not this so-called ‘assassination’ business.”