• Wednesday, November 11 7:40 a.m. A woman carrying bottles of urine argued with preschool staff on Valley West Boulevard, as one does.
7:56 a.m. Sometime during the night, someone systematically removed all the doors to the vacuums at a Valley West car wash, counterintuitively making the world just a little more sucky.
9:18 a.m. Two hunters were reported setting out duck decoys at the Marsh.
9:47 a.m. Another tinkering technitwit got busy on the utility pole for the crossing lights at the train tracks at the mischief-magnet Marsh. There, the control box lock was cut off and wires stripped.
5:41 p.m. A woman at APD’s front door announced that she was the vice president of the U.S.
• Thursday, November 12 12:23 a.m. A person showed up at the hospital ER claiming to have been beaten with a crowbar in the woods somewhere between Arcata and Redding.
12:45 p.m. Rat-popular encampments enveloping the G Street side of the pedestrian footbridge caused concern.
1:41 p.m. After whapping a woman on the back of her head with an apple, a man scurried over to the Portland Loo to await crisp and tangy justice.
A drum- and guitar-playing pair
Held forth on the statueless square
Their musical stylings
Were seen as defiling
The tranquil air molecules there.
• Thursday, November 19 8:40 a.m. A behoodied bloke pinched a bottle of breakfast bourbon from a Uniontown shopping center supermarket and scuttled off via the disreputable breezeway to freedom and guzzlicious brain defunction. One can only hope that this didn’t make him late for work.
10:44 a.m. Items stolen from a 27th Street unlocked garage next surfaced at a Eureka pawn shop.
10:58 a.m. A body art enthusiast refreshed himself from a bottle of Gatorade as he importuned strangers for gas money on Forest Avenue.
11:11 a.m. As a delivery driver dropped off a package on Mustang Lane, a bloodied woman burst from the home screaming “Call the police!”
12:26 p.m. A super-snitty skateboarder/backpacker busted bottles in the parking lot at the needlessly concatenated Sunnybrae [sic] Center, which was inaccurately documented as Sunny Brae Center, even though technically speaking, the two-word version is the sleepy shire’s actual name, according to Sunny Brae founder Chet Spiering, who also named all the streets after his immediate relatives.
4:19 p.m. The Portland Loo of Shock and Awe was overflowing again at Eighth and F streets, and not with rose petals.
• Friday, November 20 12:11 a.m. Allowing her ex to stay on her Alliance Road couch was a mistake, because he reverted to berating her in the manner which had earned his reclassification as an “ex” to begin with.
6:58 a.m. The dang store wasn’t even open yet, and yet some surly coffee-spiller was already in the Sunny Brae supermarket arguing with the nitwit-beleaguered staff.
7:43 a.m. Another coarse contrarian accessorized with a red sleeping bag likes to go into an I Street bakery and argue with the staff and customers.
10:55 a.m. An E Street resident argued with neighbors but mainly focused his furies on someone’s front door, which he stabbed with a knife.
10:47 a.m. Student drop-off time is always hectic at a Baldwin Street elementary school, the burly bustle only made more difficult and stressful by an area resident coming onto the campus with his dog and confronting parents.
8:18 p.m. Another maskless marauder creeped out patrons at a Valley West restaurant by circling the interior of the eatery with his potentially COVID spore-spewing face and refusing to leave.
• Saturday, November 21 10:39 a.m. A man at the hospital complained of hand pain after punching a dog in the head.
5:37 p.m. A prickly palooka out Valley West way wasn’t given access to a motel room, and reacted by saying he would just break in through a window. Right, because doing so would go unaddressed and he could then enjoy a carefree evening of lodging? He and his duffel bag were gone when police arrived.
11:03 p.m. Two horses – or maybe three; it was hard to tell at night – clopped around on Buttermilk Lane.
• Sunday, November 22 6:54 a.m. A man in a camouflage ensemble did little to conceal his frustration with the closed bathrooms at a Uniontown supermarket. He threatened to poop on the floor out of frustration, or in retaliation, or in protest of arbitrarily raised and arguably counterproductive new tariffs on tungsten and bismuth, or something.
1:35 p.m. An Arcata Community Forest walker in the Campbell Creek watershed happened upon an off-trail assemblage of tarps which housed mildewy minstrels making loud, loud music.
• Monday, November 23 10:25 a.m. A C Street resident said that two times now, people have knocked on her door asking for money. However, she didn’t wish to explain the “whole situation” at the moment, and would email more information.
4:06 p.m. It’s maybe a little disquieting when the security guard you just fired comes back carrying a blanket to hang around your business.
11:38 p.m. A sketchazoid hanging around the vending machines at a Janes Road hospital presented someone else’s debit card for identification, but it was taken away from him.
• Thursday, November 26 10:33 a.m. A man sprawled out front of a Valley West motel was described as “sun tanning.”
• Friday, November 27 1:05 p.m. No, you don’t buy a Jeep on eBay by sending someone a gift card, you just don’t... but you did. No Jeep for you!
1:07 p.m. After a debt dispute, one man attacked another with a bike lock and broke both his finger and his taillights.
8:01 p.m. More than the moon hit their eye when a man in a Valley West parking lot pummeled shoppers and their vehicles with slices of pizza.
• Monday, November 30 2:29 p.m. A man in pointless camouflage garments defied biological reality by refusing to cover even part of his tattooed face with a mask, and threatened a Valley West store employee who asked him to do so. He was next seen lying in wait for the worker outside the shop.
5:09 p.m. Community Forest hikers thought they heard someone yelling in distress, but to others it was just standard-issue drunken raving.