Manila CSD purchases nuclear centrifuges

Mad River Union

MANILA, APRIL 1 – Federal and local officials were alarmed to learn that the Manila Community Services District has acquired nuclear centrifuges, but a district spokesman contends that the devices are being used only for peaceful purposes.

The February purchase of two Zippe-type gas centrifuges came to light after a resident of the sandy outpost found the centrifuge purchases buried in the Sewer Improvements budget.

The $8 billion centrifuges, and a Venti-sized box of uranium yellow cake, are being kept at an undisclosed location in the Manila Community Center.

District Manager Chris Drop was mum about the centrifuges, saying only that “using the centrifuges is an enriching experience. All options are on the table.”

A boardmember who asked to remain anonymous said “This is part of our visioning process. We’ve visioned and visioned and visioned. Now it’s time for some healing enrichment.”

In other news, the district has agreed to sponsor a Little League team called the U-238s.

“Should be lots of fun,” Drop said.


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