• Thursday, March 3 4:41 a.m. Parents brought a bruised baby to the ER, and the mother told the doctor excessive force had been used on the three-month-old. Both parents were arrested on child abuse charges.
8:21 p.m. Frenzied dingbats went on a tear outside a Valley West motel, fighting and breaking windows. Someone said the guy with the pit bull had a gun. Police made three arrests, one of which was a feisty dude who needed special attention on arrival at the jail.
• Friday, March 4 1:57 a.m. An Alliance Road resident was feeling seriously suicidal, and agreed that a trip to a mental health facility would be a good idea.
2:22 a.m. Not far away, a Stromberg Avenue resident called a suicide prevention hotline in Sacramento. APD was notified and, after driving around Westwood a bit, located the guy. He said he wasn’t going to do himself in, but was told that if he did feel suicidey, he should call 911 for quicker assistance.
1:44 p.m. A customer at a local business was so weird and paranoid that they didn’t want to do business with him. This upset him to spontaneous altercation levels.
3:03 p.m. A man toting a crossbow, or parts of one, was reported on the Plaza. After he dropped it off at APD’s front door, police found and arrested him on a warrant.
4:52 p.m. A woman driving to Sunny Brae from the freeway was observed taking bong rips en route.
9:27 p.m. A Shirley Boulevard resident was reported feeling faint from a drug-cocktail overdose consisting of marijuana cookies and herbal sleeping aids.
10:01 p.m. A “neighbor” complained about a party, and a warning notice was issued.
10:30 p.m. The neighbor called back again, admitting that he was in fact a resident of the very home at which the party was raging. He was upset that a roommate was having a party. Police returned and cited the host, who remained unaware of the quisling in his midst.
• Saturday, March 5 9:13 a.m. A young man with no shirt or shoes trudged up steep California Avenue, and from the look of him there was either a story in his recent past or one to be generated soon. Police checked in with the barely clad lad, who wasn’t chemically modified and was just walking home in minimal attire.
10:09 a.m. Dude: you, your green sweats and backpack are exactly what this store doesn’t want, as we told you previously.
1:09 p.m. As a woman lingered outside a 10th Street business, the owner emerged and told her not to smoke there. Somehow the conversation ended with him shoving her and police being tasked to sort out all the rights and legalities.
6 p.m. A citizen had a package returned by a shipping service, except that he never sent it. Inside: cash and cannabis.
6:46 p.m. Someone called 911 on a cell phone to report a way-drunk dude in a “Humboldt” hoodie staggering around on the Plaza. The CHP relayed the call to APD, but the rambling wreck wasn’t found, though his multi-hour odyssey of annoyance was just getting underway.
7:01 p.m. Captain Staggerhoodie turned up again, this time at the donut shop, with a special bonus feature: a fall-related head inury. Emergency personnel took it from there.
8:24 p.m. Next, that quixotic madcap Cap’n enlivened the hospital with drunken hostility. He was placed in “soft restraints.”
11:45 p.m. Still drunked up and fiesty at the hospital, the Captain earned a promotion to General Pain In The Ass by blurting verbal abuse at the care providers and slipping the fragile bonds that contained his furies. Police went out and placed him in hard restraints.
• Sunday, March 6 3:49 a.m. A man was roused from the cardboard recycling dumpster in Bret Harte Alley.
9:45 a.m. A man reported his brother suffering from an array of maladies at a budget Valley West motel, including severe, bleeding bedwounds, paranoid schizophrenia, multiple personalities and suicidal statements, plus being off his medication. The hospital was alerted of an incoming.
4:22 p.m. The Skate Park swarmed with helmetless youth and leashless dogs. Everyone was warned and the park closed and locked.
• Monday, March 7 3:33 p.m. Texting your ex-wife that you plan to beat her boyfriend with a baseball bat and maim him isn’t going to win her back.
4:41 p.m. A motor home on Virginia Way was reported up on blocks for months, with a sewer line running onto the street.
10:40 p.m. After losing his wallet in what he described as a park north of Humboldt State, a man reported his credit card used in Valley West, Eureka and online.
11:35 p.m. “Could you quiet down? Some people have to work for a living.” The snide punch line to this request served only to raise the volume with an argument as blaring as it was pointless.
• Tuesday, March 8 4:04 a.m. A man at the ER said that after an argument at the transit center, his nemesis scurried up to the Plaza to recruit some reinforcements. He returned with two handy hoodlums ready to swarm the guy with flailing fists. But to hear him tell it from his hospital gurney, he got the better of the trio of hire-a-hooligans.
2:28 p.m. A woman’s car was entered via unknown means in a 16th Street parking lot and her purse and wallet stolen from the trunk.
8:18 p.m. Something named Jason was unclear on the functions of a bar, having brought an open container of a zesty beverage into the place.
9:32 p.m. A woman said that a passenger in her car struck her twice in the face, then got out at Sixth and F streets. He then crawled into her house through a window, she said, poured bleach on her bed and ripped a picture.
11:28 p.m. A resident of the 200 block of H Street claimed to have been assaulted by some newfound “acquaintances.” After a trip to a gaming house, he gave them $40 and asked for a ride home. But when they pulled up at his house, they became surly, assaulting him and slamming his head into a door.
• Wednesday, March 9 9:13 a.m. At a J Street residence, a mysterious woman was seen “destroying” flowers and bushes, then loading them into a vehicle.