HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1– Emboldened by the cannabis industry having recast itself as a plucky group of family farmers, the meth cooking community is moving in the same direction.
The Humboldt Mendocino Methamphetamine Energizing Theocracy (HUMMETH) found an appreciative audience among the Board of Supervisors at last week’s meeting.
Spokesman Jerry Jitters told the board that his industry is composed of numerous small artisanal producers, who must work long hours under trying conditions – usually involving toxic chemicals.
“Our product makes America great again,” Jitters said, picking at his rather volcanic-looking complexion. “Or at least it seems that way for the first day or so.”
Jitters said HUMMETH’s participating meth cookers – whom he referred to as “chefs” – help motivate Humboldt’s work force, and as a bonus, keep law enforcement officers employed.
“Think about how much smaller local police forces would be without our chefs to keep track of,” Jitters said.
A majority of supervisors endorsed a HUMMETH grant application for funds for anything that will get those damn worms that are crawling under their skin out, and to set up advanced classes through HSU’s CenterActivities in teeth grinding and suspiciously peering out at one’s neighbors from behind drawn curtains.