EARTH, APRIL 1 – World peace has been achieved – or will be, once a little neighborhood issue in Sunny Brae is put to rest.
Humboldt Mediation Services was as surprised as anyone when major Middle East countries consented to a structured series of conflict resolution sessions at the Arcata Community Center. The talks culminated with all known armaments being dumped into the Mediterranean Sea.
“This crap was proving to be of no practical use whatsoever,” said Iranian president Hassan Rouhani. “We have to stop squabbling and cooperate on important issues, like climate change, hunger and disease.”
Russia was next, as, seeking to unburden his financially ailing country from resource-draining conflicts with the Ukraine, Syria, Turkey and elsewhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin consented to binding arbitration supervised by mediator Sondra Schaub.
“That wasn’t too tough,” Schaub said after the peace treaties were signed. “За хозяйку этого дома!” Putin proclaimed.
The pacification of all earth's outstanding conflicts is expected to save humanity an estimated $60 trillion by the year 2050. "It turns out that no one had ever asked these people to stop squabbling," Schaub explained. "Once we did, it all came together."
On hearing the positive outcomes, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un demanded immediate inclusion in the process, but was told he’d have to wait until a situation with neighbors throwing dog poop at each other over a disputed driveway easement in Sunny Brae was cleared up. humboldtmediationservices.org