Humboldt Baykeeper launches whaling campaign to counter sea level rise

WHALE FAIL Humboldt Baykeeper strikes another thar-she-blows for the environment. NN | Union

WHALE FAIL Humboldt Baykeeper strikes another thar-she-blows for the environment. NN | Union

Narv Neldman

Mad River Union

HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1 - Humboldt Baykeeper has launched an innovative new program to combat sea level rise, increase local food production and create new jobs through whaling.

The effort revives a traditional industry that played an important role in the development of Humboldt County in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.facebook-like-button

“You know, no one ever heard about sea level rise until commercial whaling was banned in 1982” said Baykeeper Director Jen Kalt. “But whales are really, really big. They displace a lot of water and that raises the sea level, just like when you get in the bathtub and the water level rises. By removing them from the ocean, we can help bring the sea level back down. I mean, geez, people, put two and two together!”

Baykeeper completed its first harvest of 26 whales last week.

“We’re pleased as punch,” Kalt said.

“An adult gray whale displaces about 1,600 cubic feet of ocean, so removing 26 of them reduces the ocean’s volume by almost 42,000 cubic feet. That’s 1/550,944,762,595,238 of the volume of the Pacific Ocean alone. That means both a lower sea level, and a stunning new low for Baykeeper!”

Standing knee-deep in a pile of sliced gray whale blubber, Kalt detailed the range of locally-made whale products that would soon line store shelves.

“Whale steaks, whale burgers, whale meatloaf, whale bacon, whale jerky, whale sausage… The whale skin can be used instead of leather for coats, boots, couches and car seats.  The blubber can be used for candles, cooking oil, butter, skin lotions, perfumes and hair care products.  I hear Jessicurl is starting a whole new line using all whale blubber,” Kalt said. “The blubber also makes a great smoothie!”

Kalt said she was at first apprehensive about the hunt, agreeing with it in principle, but uncomfortable with doing the actual deed.

That changed when one of her volunteers forged a spearhead out of a horseshoe, and Kalt decided to have it tempered with the blood of three of her organization’s  boardmembers.

“After it was tempered, I felt pretty dang good about killing these whales,” she said. “I muttered something in Latin, then proclaimed, ‘git ’r done!’”


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  1. Humboldt Baykeeper said:

    Everyone appreciates a good laugh, but this image is an improper use of the Humboldt Baykeeper logo, which is copyright protected. We would appreciate it if you remove the image entirely – the bloody whale being hauled in is beyond good taste, even if meant as a joke.

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