HSUPD Log: Zombie-In-Training Incites Worried Wig-Out

Bryn Robertson
Mad River Union

• Saturday, September 28 8:45 p.m. Was the black and green paint applied on the wood retaining wall between the parking lot and path along L.K. Wood Boulevard vandalism, or public art?

• Sunday, September 29 2:56 p.m. There is really nothing attractive  or fun about an underaged girl with alcohol poisoning in her dorm room on Granite Avenue, or anywhere, for that matter.

• Monday, September 30 5:36 p.m. A man ogling the Lacrosse players during a practice on the Events field on Wildlife Lane was gone on arrival, right after he creeped everyone out.

• Tuesday, October 1 11:47 a.m. A LOOSE PIT BULL A LOOSE PIT BULL A LOOSE PIT BULL.

• Wednesday, Oct. 2 9:06  a.m. A sleeping girl in her small gray car lay unresponsive at the wheel with the engine running.

12:54 p.m. Leave your prescription medications out in the Shasta Residence Hall, and they will probably be stolen. It’s a bummer when stuff that keeps you normal is the same stuff that gets everyone else un-normal. Drugs!

1:51 p.m. Someone stole someone else’s cellphone from the Art Building, and for them, the world ended.

• Thursday, October 3 3:38 p.m. No one wanted to deal with the used syringe littered on Rossow Street, but a UPD officer showed up and did so anyway.

9:09 p.m. A paper plate set on fire inside of the College Creek Marketplace was either weak arson, an avant garde post-modern installation, or nothing at all.

9:38 p.m. A non-responsive drunkbutt female student was transported to Mad River Community Hospital

10:17 p.m.  A very drunk female fell into the Granite Avenue Creek where she lay until she was transported to Mad River Community Hospital.

• Friday, October 4 9:17 a.m.  Some kid armed with a rubber band slingshot on Rossow Street managed to flee the scene before the cops showed up. No report on what he was shooting, or why.

10:40 a.m. The University Police Department sent medical aid to the University Center for a student having seizures.

6:07 p.m. A tiny elevator rider searching for her mother was reunited with her in the Forbes Gymnasium with assistance from the UPD staff.

• Sunday, October 6 2:21 a.m. Imagine you are high on mushrooms; then imagine being lost in the Humboldt Redwoods, trying to get home.

8:17 a.m. A potential fowl theft from the game pens. Count the birds!

7:57 p.m. In the west gymnasium, a disregarded box smoked and flamed its way into the newspaper.

11:39 p.m. Two young men assumed their self-identified divine right to play guitar late at night, and loud, a power tested by the forces of regular folk.

• Monday, October 7 11 a.m. An honest, good-hearted conversation about meat, hunting and all things manly escalated into violent threats and other forms of overreaction and displays of testosterone.

3:32 p.m An HSU tent, organized around a Saturday tailgate party, fell and damaged an unhappy attendee’s truck.

6:56 p.m. If no one was around to hear an alarm that rang from the President’s office, did it still make a sound?

• Tuesday, October 8 9:56 a.m.  Everyone who crashes their bike should wear a helmet, and everyone who doesn’t ever crash should wear one too. That includes the female student who biffed it off her bike in front of House 94.

2:04 p.m. Threatening texts from an unknown sender to an anxious Del Norte Halls resident would have occurred in a less frequent and threatening manner had they been delivered by carrier pigeon instead.

• Wednesday, October 9 9:13 a.m. Some early morning reckless golf cart driving on 14th Street nearly resulted in an accident.

1:52 p.m. There is nothing fun about a stolen laptop in Siemens Hall.

2 p.m. A student struggling with a seizure was assisted by University Police staff at the Humboldt State library.

• Friday, October 11 9:35 a.m. Attention: If you’re a Humboldt football player, and oversleep, and you don’t answer your phone, HSU Housing will come and get you and give you a personal ride to school.

• Saturday, October 12 1:19 a.m. University Police checked on a female student who wasn’t feeling well and was transported to Mad River Community Hospital by friends.

• Sunday, October 13 10:33 a.m. Skateboarders on Granite Avenue filming each other doing tricks in front of the entrance to the Jolly Giant Commons Building refused to stop and refused to leave.

7:46 p.m. Jolly Giant Commons on Granite Avenue: Two girls. One malfunctioning elevator.

• Tuesday, October 15 1:54 p.m. HSU Housing staff requested an investigation into reported drug sales in the Redwood and Sunset Residence Halls.

1:58 p.m. Cops threw marijuana stuff away. It's what they do.

6:42 p.m. THEFT OF A CLARINET. Someone's going to Hell.

• Wednesday, October 16 4:50 p.m. Police assistance was requested to locate an elderly man, possibly on the run, probably not fast enough.

6:17 p.m. Somebody gets to hear the same story retold a hundred times about how they almost gave birth on the Humboldt State Campus, but actually were transported to Mad River Hospital at the last minute. A real thriller!

• Thursday, October 17 1:28 a.m. Get drunk. Throw your skateboard around. Yell at people. Do it in public. You will absolutely get arrested.

• Friday, October 18 10:34 a.m. The loudest, most obnoxious student in a Behavioral and Social Sciences classroom wasn’t even enrolled in the course.

11:35 a.m. Everyone, except apparently the owner, was concerned about the dog locked in a car  without proper ventilation on B street.

• Saturday, October 19 1:55 p.m. Blue Silly String was sprayed over the camera meant to monitor graffiti on the L.K. Wood Boulevard pedestrian underpass.

• Tuesday, October 22 12:44 p.m. If you have to ask permission from the University Police Department to get the green light on your student club, it’s probably a Nerf Gun club, and there is probably still a part of you that’s nine years old.

• Wednesday, October 23 12:15 p.m. An unresponsive student standing completely still with focused gaze on the library parking lot concrete sidewalk was observed by uncomfortable onlookers for over five minutes until somebody wigged out and called the cops. Warning: Practicing your zombie persona prior to October 31 may get you arrested.

2:41 p.m. Walk around with your bong in the light of day in front of your campus dorm and expect no one to see you and call the university police.

3:17 p.m. Unknown subjects threw tennis balls at cars and people on the Plaza.

11:26 p.m. Two students obviously really excited about living on campus struggled to slide a credit card through the lock to open an Alder Hall door.

• Friday, October 25 3:19 p.m. The student who used up class time to argue with his music teacher was disturbing enough to make it into the Mad River Union police log, and thus, history.

• Saturday, October 26 12:33 a.m. The tarnish on the reputation of the girl who was transported to Mad River Community Hospital after excessive vomiting in the Hemlock Hall boy’s bathroom is going to take a lot longer to wear off than that hangover.

12:53 a.m. Some drifter with a fake, made-up fundraiser attempted to solicit donations in the Jolly Giant Commons before being ushered out by housing staff.

3:33 a.m. A caller claimed to be running from a man chasing him across the L.K. Wood Boulevard pedestrian overpass bridge.

8:56 p.m. Two stoney students were seen hotboxing – smoking up in a confined space for immersive THC saturation – in their car from the Sunset Hall parking lot.



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