Granny Groovy’s Hand-Crafted Farm-Fresh Artisanal Love Muffinarium ramps up production

ARTISANAL ASSEMBLY LINE Muffins roll off the gluten-free conveyor belt, operated by “holistic ingredient coaches” in nontraditional bakery garb. KLH | Union AF

Mad River Union AF

ALDERGROVE INDUSTRIAL PARK, April 1, 2019 – The former Humboldt Flakeboard plant is up and running again, but this time as the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen North, And its current product doesn’t build homes, it helps build strong bodies.

There, Granny Groovy’s Hand-Crafted Farm-Fresh Artisanal Love Muffins are flying off the assembly line. The new startup is producing that prince of foods, the muffin, at the rate of about 1,200 per hour – and they’re just getting started. 

“Everyone will enjoy our love-infused cupcakes,” said George Glumber, the venture capitalist behind Granny Groovy as he sat at his grand desk beneath a portrait of Studebaker Hoch. “Oh right, I mean muffins. Whatever.”

Glumber said the recipe is secret, but was created using the finest focus groups and marketing consultants. “They don’t want the glutens, the GMOs, the this, the that. We made sure the wrapper reflects all the things these cookies don’t have in them. Muffins! Right, muffins.”

Asked whether Granny Groovy was available for comment, Glumber said, “Who? Oh, right, her. Well, she’s busy or something. Here, have a muffin.”

Cost-savings for production of the baked delicacies was achieved by discovery of a pile of unshipped flakeboard out behind the factory. “We ‘recycled’ it, let’s just say,” Glumber said proudly. “The kids like recycling, right? Think of it as fiber without the gluten, and by the way, it makes the muffin tops oh-so-flaky!”


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