Food: we’re so over it

Jayda Jing-Jing
Eye Correspondent

ARCATA, APRIL 1 –The Co-op, Wildberries Marketplace and Safeway are seeing business plummet as locals join the nationally growing “Food Is Not The Boss Of Me” movement.

“Food is just so last year,” says local bar-owner Aimee Highnessy. “Liquor is the new food.” Humans, tired of the ceaseless toiling involved in all levels of food production, have begun putting down their forks and turning to other, less irksome past-times, such as starvation and death.

“It’s just so exhausting,” complains Highnessy, surrounded by nodding supporters. “Not just once, but three times a day, eternally, humans are faced with the tediously boring and expensive task of not only shopping for, but then preparing food. The ultimate insult? Not only consuming, but then cleaning up after. What is this prison of nourishment we have all so carefully constructed? Off with the shackles of Overlord Food!”

To capitalize on the trend, local restaurants have started offering “Nothing” small plates in effort to entice back consumers.

“I mean, I hate food,” reports local chef Darius Bortman, self-described master of “homeopathic cuisine.” “This empty plate thing couldn’t have come soon enough. My kitchen has never been so clean, and now there’s lots of room for my tunic wardrobe.”

However, some locals worry that there could be unforeseen consequences from deliberate mass starvation. “What will happen to the local economy?” worries Councilman Mark Wheetley. “Stoners and their snack consumption, along with normal humans eating enough to stay alive, really pumped a lot of dollars into our rural economy. Where will the jobs come from to replace that industry?”

Some economists predict that hospitals and mortuaries will go a long way towards filling the gap. “We’ve had to take on seven more embalmers,” says local mortician I. P. Freely. “At this rate, we predict huge employment growth throughout the local markets.”


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