Evolutionary features and equippage of today’s Arcata innocent passerby

Offensive and defensive measures, from the top:

• Foil helmet to fend off Wi-Fi mind control waves and shield against chemtrails

• Blinders for ignoring public meeting notices about important issues until it’s too late to do anything about it, plus megaphone to cry to the City Council about lack of notification

• Special glasses for looking askance at fellow townsfolk’s ethical failings

• Artificial tears for instant piety

• Padded noise-canceling headset to filter out streetside obscenity screamers, reduce ear wear from incessant robocalls

• Breathing apparatus to protect against contact highs and Patchouli asphyxiation

• Extra jowls for turning other cheek to serial social media insulters

• Antenna for capturing holistic quantum biodynamic energy

Field Guide to Yaks

• Pocket full of hamburger to throw at charging Plaza service dogs

• Waist pack with emergency supply of life-giving gluten and illegal GMOs

• Ass bandage for perpetual butthurt over trivial First World inconveniences

• Thick skin to cushion against donut shop sidewalk fight-pickers

• Pockets turned inside out to discourage spangers, cadgers and slithy toves

• Sharpened fingernails for cherry-picking science to suit prevailing political fashion

• Semaphores for virtue signaling

• Springs mounted mid-leg for knee-jerk reactions to controversies

• Ankle splash guards for store alcove vomit

• Stilts for stepping over sidewalk nappers