• Friday, June 4 7:26 a.m. A truck loaded with what one citizen feared might be a harvest of stolen bicycles made its way from Sunny Brae to downtown. An officer interviewed the driver and everything seemed on the up and up.
7:35 a.m. A car on Valley East Boulevard had a passenger compartment full of surly dogs and rolled-down windows. When folks walked by, the car exploded with bared teeth, lunges and barking.
7:46 a.m. A blood-soaked man with broken ribs turned up at a Samoa Boulevard gas station. Sirens.
7:57 a.m. The stop sign at Alliance and Spear spins like a top, rendering its commandment arbitrary, and irrelevant to most directions in which it faces.
9:12 a.m. A package packed with pungent pot got as far as the processing facility on Eighth Street.
10:43 a.m. When residents moved out of a 14th Street rental, the landlady found that “the entire property smells like marijuana.”
10:46 a.m. A man described as both “elderly” and being in his late forties or early fifties, not to mention “scrubby,” formed a fashion-backward visage at a K Street gas station. Clad in an ’80s-style turquoise jacket and ignorance beacon baseball cap, the man reportedly “went through the motions with his hands of shooting the reporting party.”
12:49 p.m. An officer noticed a pickup truck with four people in the cab, one sitting on another’s lap and none of the passengers wearing safety belts. The unfastened ones got tickets for that, as did the driver.
1:36 p.m. A twenty-something man purchased two bottles of wine at a Sunny Brae supermarket this morning, then went away for a few hours. He returned in the early afternoon, and headed straight for the detergent aisle. There, an employee discovered him drinking bleach, and police were summoned. The man collapsed in the aisle, baggy pants down around his knees, a pool of blood forming as he bled from his posterior. The employee covered the man with a smock and stayed with him while waiting for medical assistance, but even then he continued to reach for the bleach. At the hospital he was placed on a 5150 hold for being a danger to himself.
1:45 p.m. One man in a long trench coat and another in a camouflage jacket overcame their differences in terms of outerwear preference and shared marijuana in front of a Plaza tavern. On seeing a bar employee calling police, the two activated a unified emergency response plan, the primary component of which was skedaddling westward.
2:54 p.m. A Baldwin Street residence was burgled.
4:10 p.m. A Fifth Street storage unit was burgled.
4:34 p.m. A skateboarder’s camouflage pants somehow had an inverse effect, making his surroundings less detectable to him as he slammed bodily into a car at Seventh and F streets.
11:06 p.m. A pedestrian was egged by a passing car on L.K. Wood Boulevard.
11:23 p.m. A pedestrian at Alliance Road and M Street was egged.
• Saturday, June 5 12:09 p.m. After releasing personal information on the Internet, a Tina Court resident feared for her safety.
In the 800 block of Street K
A piano was loudly at play
The problem is “chronic”
With honky-tonk sonics
But the keyboardist called it a day
• Sunday, June 6 1:27 a.m. This time it wasn’t the traditional broken taillight that alerted police to an impaired driver at 14th and G streets. Instead, the cocktail-saturated driver was tooling along with his trunk lid open, blocking the view out the back window. Police arrested the driver and released the car to a sober passenger.
1:40 p.m. After a kitchen fire at a Courtyard Circle apartment, a brother and sister began arguing and someone “mistakenly” dialed 911. The male refused to identify himself, so an officer went by and admonished the spatty siblings.
2:09 p.m. The sister turned up at the apartment complex’s security guard’s residence, claiming that her brother assaulted her when the cops left. Parents came home from work and took charge.
2:20 p.m. Something named “Chelm” was warned about the multiple vehicle violations and about camping in the humungo school bus he and several free-spirited colleagues inhabited in the 500 block on K Street.
5:26 p.m. When a roommate moved out of an Olympia Street mobile home, the resident believed that a duplicate key was given to someone else who lives nearby. This person, the resident believed, was the one who stole a bag of syringes and moved some jewelry around inside the trailer.
6:09 p.m. It’s not clear whether a red-shirted man along Valley West Boulevard desired or eschewed prostitutes, but his interest in the subject was so intense that he felt compelled to fight someone about about them near a bus stop.
8:55 p.m. A man reported spotting someone who had “ripped off” a roommate at a Valley West low-budget motel, and told police he had flattened the suspect’s tires. For some reason the man next made his way to the donut shop on the other end of town, and from there he called police to say he was heading back to the motel. The dispatcher asked him to stop somewhere along the way so an officer could contact him. He said he’d call back, but didn’t. An officer found no damage to any vehicles at the motel.
• Wednesday, June 9 7:41 a.m. There it sat in a Valley West parking lot, a car with major front end damage and two people sleeping inside. Awakened, the two explained that the car hadn’t been in an accident, but had had its front tires slashed, after which the two tried to drive it on the flattened tires, further wrecking the vehicle. They said they’d get the car fixed and leave.
8:33 a.m. A man with a can in his hand enacted a dandy plan in the doorway of a dingbat-dense donut shop. Bizarrely clad in firefighter outerwear, the man appeared to be huffing something, which is no substitute for a balanced breakfast or even a donut and coffee, both of which were readily available just footsteps away. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
12:04 p.m. A beer truck collided with a parked car near the donut shop. No one was injured. Police stood by as the drivers exchanged information.
1:19 p.m. A man who was caught on security video slashing tires was spotted “lurking” about the Intermodal Transit Facility, sporting a blue beanie cap, dark shirt, jeans and bushy hair and beard. Police arrived 36 minutes later, but the bushy-beanie slashy lurker was gone.
4:47 p.m. A bicyclist locked his bike at the Intertransimodal Facilimajigger. When he returned, the straps had been cut and items stripped off and stolen.
9:42 p.m. A man riding on the hood of a car near the Plaza rather predictably fell off and got hurt.
10:53 a.m. A support worker for a hospitalized Samoa Boulevard resident went to the victim’s apartment and discovered the front door ajar and a brand new flatscreen TV missing.
2:16 p.m. A man who sat motionless for more than five hours in front of a Westwood Center coffee house didn’t respond to inquiries by an employee, so emergency forces were summoned. Police awakened him and found him wanted on a warrant, then placed him under arrest.
5:02 p.m. A Davis Way resident left his car unlocked with a Nikon camera, handheld GPS unit and two MP3 players inside. The entirely predictable, arguably inevitable loss was estimated at $800.
7:14 p.m. Two youths armed with poles and a primitive functional knowledge of the force-multiplication powers of leverage wrought merciless retribution on their mortal enemies, which in this case were planter boxes at an Alliance Road apartment complex. The brave gladiators received an admonishment.