• Friday, December 17 6:54 p.m. Teetering on the knife-edge of moral ambivalence, a tall. hooded figure stood at Samoa Boulevard and H Street with a pair of shoes in his hand, their laces tied together. His gaze drifted from the power lines above to the two goons on the sidewalk nearby, who were exhausting their vocabulary hooting and gibbering for the shoe-bearer to fling the footwear over the wires for comic effect. The crew had scampered away when police arrived, but an on-site Eye investigation revealed a set of sneakers dangling from the wires at the site (see photo). It is not known whether these are the shoes in question, however, as they’re way too high to dust for stupid.
7:01 p.m. A lady incinerating dinner in the 200 block of Seventh Street called police about a kitchen fire, but the blaze was confined on one pan which made an incredible amount of smoke. It was placed outside.
• Saturday, December 18 2:25 a.m. Disputatious dimwits at a downtown donut dispensary were separated from each other, and from the tempting pastry selection...
2:27 a.m. ...as both were arrested for public drunkenness.
5:43 a.m. A Spear Avenue woman was cornered for a time on her front porch by a two-pit pack of roving pit bulls.
10:50 a.m. A woman called saying she wanted a different police department and repeating the questions the dispatcher asked her. Her confusion led to intervention and hospitalization.
• Sunday, December 19 2:02 a.m. Another day, another double-dullard implosion in front of the donuteria. Two booze-boggled gladiator-galoots helped populate the Pink House.
10:41 a.m. Two men and a woman were implicated in a shoplifting escapade at a 13th Street store. All were arrested. One turned out to be a missing person, another a trespasser.
• Tuesday, December 21 12:19 a.m.
A Western Ave. caller was glum
From excessive rum-pa-pum-pum
A tuba, blown hard
In a neighboring yard
At this hour, that seems kinda dumb
8:48 a.m. Unknown asswipe enthusiasts deployed rolls of their favorite stationery all over a house and grounds on 10th Street, again.
10:32 a.m. Three packages dropped off at a Valley West apartment’s door of course disappeared. The Slithy Tove groundscore included an e-reader ($150), candy ($15) and an Uno game ($12).
12:30 p.m. Another opportunist, described as having a neck tat that reads, “Dreamer,” mined a Valley West trailer park for unattended riches. These included exercise weights and the front tire off a bike.
1:39 p.m. Someone brought a pretty nice guitar into an I Street music store with a story about finding it in the woods. The store was holding onto the $800 to $1,000 instrument pending further research.
Besmirching the Plaza’s west bower
A surge of profane bongo power
Police scoured the square
Found it empty of blare
For his part, McKinley just glowered
4:20 p.m. A Stewart Avenue resident chose this particular hour and moment to report receiving an unexpected package in the mail containing “a large amount” of marijuana. It was turned in to police.
4:42 p.m. Doing his part to boost the atmosphere’s CO2 content, an entropy enthusiast at an H Street apartment complex started burning recyclables. He was arrested on an arson charge.
• Wednesday, December 22 3:05 p.m. A 10th Street business’s padlocked gate was broken open and $400 in stuff, including a power washer, was stolen.
• Thursday, December 23 7:54 a.m. Someone picked up the courtesy phone outside APD asking for an officer and offering a tour of some garbage outside City Hall. But the debris docent had disappeared when the officer went out there, and a walkaround revealed none of the promised garbage.
23:53 p.m. After kicking some objectionable guests out of a Valley West motel room, the managemnt found a half-pound of pot, a scale and a vacuum sealer.
3:06 p.m. A feisty resident of Olympia Street made his neighbors an offer – that he would “put bullets inside of them,” as he so-quaintly phrased it.
7:28 p.m. A 20 year old had a heart attack on Union Street.
8:41 p.m. A woman said she “kicked off” three men at a bus stop at 14th and B streets for making a disturbance by arguing.
• Christmas Eve 9:35 p.m. A specially etched window which had survived for decades at an historic Plaza storehouse was broken by a man having a mega-hissysnit. $3,000 damage
• Christmas 2:13 a.m. A car and kitty cat attempted to occupy the same space and time at Alliance and Spear. One of them went to the veterinarian with a broken leg.
2:53 p.m. A man in green clothes with yellow shoes spent three hours in a G Street Chinese restaurant, enough time to eat and get hungry again in triplicate. He seemed to think that an alternative to paying his bill was harassing other customers, but that failed and he was arrested on a charge of defrauding an innkeeper.