Dedicated to the ‘outreach coordinators’ and ‘communications specialists’ of our land

Mad River Union

EXCITING SEMINAR!!! The Department of Education, in conjunction with the Humboldt State Journalism Department, is offering a special seminar titled “Awesome Blossom! How to pepper your writing With Oddly Whimsical random capitalization of improper Nouns, multiple exclamation Marks and many Other needless complications that Make it harder to Publish!!!” 

The seminar is intended for anyone who plans to submit material for publication. Topics include:

• Why you must end every sentence with an exclamation mark, and why adding more adds even more excitement!!!!

• How random capitalization and Chaos Theory come together And make Sense. 

Oxford Commas: The junk DNA of punctuation that add a posh note to any public notice, press release, or word salad.

Apostrophes: What is this sorcery?!?

• How adding double, or even triple spaces in your prose helps complicate text formatting.

• The joy of never making paragraphs.

• How u can mingle symbols & text shortcuts in ur PSA copy that have 2 B replaced @ every instance.

Today’s Nehru Jacket: Using groovy periods rather than standard parentheses and hyphens in telephone numbers to add that certain continental flair.

• Cute, nonstandard ways of expressing dates, times and phone numbers that consume inordinate editor time, wear fingers to nubbins of throbbing gristle. 

• The mind-boggling nine-dimensional chess that is its/it’s, your/you’re, there/their/they’re and affect/effect.  

• ALL CAPS: The Viagra of emphasis options.

• Never looking at a print publication to see what form things that are published actually take, but just making up your own weird style for others to repair.

Fonts: three at a minimum, and the more the merrier! 

• How submitting a flyer and expecting someone to write your press release can slow down, reduce or eliminate the odds of anything ever being published. 

• Adding mystery and intrigue to your press release by leaving out the location of the event.

• Making sure you include the year the event occurs in, but not the day of the week.

• How not signing a letter to the editor with a simple name and city helps hoity-toity editors get back to basics and further hone their copy-and-paste skills. 

• How flattened pdfs make it impossible to copy and paste text into a story, and force tedious retyping, increased CO2 production, environmental collapse and cosmic entropy, all of which you apparently support.

• How inserting photos in Word docs rather than sending separate jpeg files helps add extra procedures and keystrokes to enable their use.

Extra credit: Composing a time-sensitive, 950-word essay with graphics and submitting it at the last minute without any prior coordination with the publication.

The seminar takes place Wednesday at 8:00.

 







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