Tuesday, May 25
9:07 a.m. A man arrives at a Valley West shopping center and sits in his idling car for hours, staying till mid-morning.
9:19 a.m. A business employee was fired for allegedly stealing a camera from the lost and found department, the act captured on video. He was supposed to return it, but after two weeks, hadn’t done so.
9:52 a.m. An abandoned vehicle parked the wrong way on Ninth Street almost four feet out from the curb with a flat tire was finally towed after four months.
7:21 p.m. A woman reported someone entering her H Street apartment the previous night and stealing $400 worth of Seroquel. After an officer advised her that what she was reporting was physically impossible, she agreed to go to bed for the night.
• Wednesday, May 26 8:29 a.m. A huge encampment was found under the St. Louis Road overpass, but no one was home. An officer left a no-no note.
9:25 a.m. Someone chained and locked a shopping cart to a trash can outside the police station.
9:46 a.m. Two women in HSU t-shirts were seen burrowing through trash in an F Street dumpster. The she-spelunkers weren’t found.
11:52 a.m. An elderly woman returned home to her apartment to find all her belongings gone.
1:40 p.m. Four storage units were burglarized on Fifth Street. Taken was artwork, a computer, TV, clothing, books and other items.
2:23 p.m. A woman returned to her Bel Aire Avenue home to find the back door wide open, the bedroom closet gone through and stuff stolen.
5:06 p.m. A man reported that when he hailed a police car at Samoa Boulevard and F Street, it almost struck him and then drove away.
5:53 p.m. A wrong-way driver on G Street, attired in the mandatory baseball cap and hoodie, was cited and his car taken away from him.
6:51 p.m. A cat-flattening hit and run on California Avenue had witnesses, so police were able to find the suspect. Though the witnesses positively ID’d her, she denied all and the owner wished no further action.
• Thursday, May 27 2:30 a.m. Two men and a woman who should pick better wee-hour companionship were arrested at a moldy A Street house of worship after allegedly breaking a window and trying to enter the fungus-encrusted facility.
9:27 a.m. A crazed person phoned in a death threat at a Janes Road hospital, sending it and an adjacent school into lockdown mode for a couple of hours. The prankster was located in McKinleyville and taken to a mental health facility.
12:52 p.m. A different mentally unbalanced person handled her delusional tendencies in quite a different way. She came to APD to speak to an officer, calmly stating that Satanists were after her and that her dreams were “telling her info.” She was deemed not to be a danger to herself, though extra patrols were added in the area of her house.
1:25 p.m. Just to completely eradicate any vestigial faith you may still have in humanity, an out-of-the-area man reported that someone had phoned his 97-year-old father with a wonderful offer. Identifying himself as a delivery company rep, the friendly, friendly caller told the gentleman born in 1913 that he was coming over to pick him up and take him to the bank for money –some sort of fee – so that he could receive a million dollars. The elder told his son, who told cops, who contacted the gent and told him it was a scam and not to participate.
2:33 p.m. After getting more than 100 phone calls at her home and on her cell phone in three days, a north Arcata woman said she felt like she was being stalked.
3:48 p.m. Out front of the store in Valley West where everything’s worth a dollar, a garishly attired man was reported drunk. As he stood there in his red raincoat and hat, accessorized with a stylish green tarp, a gleaming shaft of gold emerged from his pants. Soon it was a store that smells like pee where everything’s worth a dollar, and the man was in the drunk tank.
4:26 p.m. Schoolbus Bob’s *UCK YEAH! bus had lumbered over to K Street for a stint, visiting the same magic on that area as it usually does downtown. A business said the hulking grotesquerie was blocking views of oncoming traffic for customers coming and going, but the sightline-blight was more perceptual than physical, as an officer didn’t find anything illegal.
4:59 p.m. A man reported that after putting down a $50 deposit on an RV being sold in a lien sale, he went back to the business to speak to a man there about the process. At some point, a male employee there became agitated and followed the guy out to his car, where an argument ensued. After a few minutes of heated argument, the business rep reportedly took a swing at the RV purchaser. It didn’t seem like a “fullhearted” attempt, the customer said, but it scared him off and he doesn’t intend to return.
9:11 p.m. A man in firefighter gear reportedly stole wine, burritos and sandwiches from an I Street store, then headed for the Plaza. He was found in front of a sports bar and arrested.
10:15 p.m. A Benjamin Court resident heard a noise in the backyard, then went out there with a flashlight and found a broken rose bush.
10:44 p.m. A well-meaning woman gave a hitchhiker a ride to McKinleyville, then discovered her wallet missing from her purse.
• Friday, May 28 9:11 a.m. The morning’s donut shop crisis involved a man threatening and making sexual remarks about someone’s daughter. The smutty utterer was admonished and advised.
9:36 a.m. Four free-lance recyclers settled in to drink breakfast outside the drop-off center, their shopping carts full of redeemables blocking the sidewalk. At least one was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
9:41 p.m. Engorged with the sense of social responsibility and environmental consciousness that only Humboldt State can instill, some college students on Zehndner Avenue pushed their abandoned car out into the street when they moved out of their rental house.
10:11 a.m. Another wallet was stolen from the locker room at a Community Park health club.
8:11 p.m. A man argued with himself out front of the donut shop.
9:12 p.m. Four baby skunks were briefly observed on a Ninth Street porch.
• Saturday, May 29 1:55 a.m. A man in a green t-shirt became possessed by the usual donut demons outside that drama-drenched shop, and tried to start fights with random passersby. His girlfriend exorcised him from the sidewalk.
2:27 a.m. A rabid, injured raccoon in the police station parking lot wasn’t trying to start fights, but only trying to meander aimlessly in the diffuse fever dream that constituted its consciousness. An officer de-miserable-ized the ailing critter with two bullets.
2:56 a.m. A behoodied slithy tove tried to get into cars at Fourth and F streets, including one that a person was sitting in. The occupant locked the doors and called police. The tove roved elsewhere.
A car parked ’twixt striping of blue
Had nothing whatever to do
With handicapped access
Cops thought what it lacks is
A ticket, and also a clue
4:28 p.m. Some 10 travelers enclumpened near the plumbing shop by the creek. Police cited several for trespassing.
• Sunday, May 30 2:28 a.m. A doped-up ER patient became belligerent with hospital staff, who asked for police help in clearing her and getting her out of there.
2:27 p.m. A druggie who hasn’t gotten the word about Arcata’s stepped-up forest enforcement was found among the trees on the 14th Street side of Redwood Park. His parole agent authorized arrest.
5:07 p.m. After drinking it up at the bus stop on F Street by the variety store, police looked for the woman with a flower or feather in her hair and her shirtless swain. Arrests were made.
Maria Court, known for pot grows
And now a new crimewave arose
When some lady groused
That from her side house
A thief stole her gardening hose
• Monday, May 31 10:44 a.m. A neighbor who has previously complained about what appears to be a grow house on Ross Street again reported that the resident had parked a van with a generator in it in front.
11:27 a.m. One of those mattresses that appear on the roadside around graduation time offered comfy repose for one passerby. He was awakened and moved along.
• Tuesday, June 1 12:49 a.m. A hinky dude with a bag of tools was seen going back and forth from his truck to various vehicles in the parking lot of a value-priced motel. He’d slithered when police arrived.
9:59 a.m. A former employee alleged that while he was getting fired, his boss pushed him down and he hurt his knee.
10:13 a.m. After being given an eviction notice, a woman complained that her roommate had punched her in the arms three times during an argument over money owed for food.
5:10 p.m. Shirtless, the better for passersby his unappealing musculature to behold, a howly-growler threatened people outside the bars until arrested and hauled off.
6:10 p.m. A Foster Avenue home being used for storage was broken into and severely rummaged.
• Wednesday, June 2 1:28 a.m. A man who had rented a room in a comfortable Valley West motel chose not to occupy it, but instead sat in his car in a nearby parking lot, which the innkeeper thought odd enough to report.
2:51 a.m. After a loud argument at a Lincoln Avenue house, a woman chased a man outside. As he got into a car to drive away, she screamingly notified the neighborhood that the man was armed and was going to kill someone. The Sheriff’s Office was notified.
3:51 a.m. Someone climbed in the window of a Beverly Drive home and stole a laptop computer.
9:50 a.m. On moving in to an Ariel Way home and ordering cable TV service, the resident discovered that someone had snipped the coaxial cables outside the house.
11:34 a.m. A Samoa Boulevard resident left her apartment unlocked to go next door for a visit. When she returned home, she found that her underwear drawer had been dumped out, the bedroom ransacked and her laptop computer stolen.
12:37 a.m. A south H Street property owner reported the loss of tenants who refuse to stay in the neighborhood because of all the meth and heroin trafficking.
6:46 p.m. A Charles Avenue resident asked police to come and tell his roommate not to be so violent.
9:59 p.m. A woman and her baby cowered inside a budget-conscious Valley West motel room as the fearsome father repeatedly drove past, menacingly revving his engine.
10:59 p.m. After neighbors’ cars collided on South F Street, one of the crashees stopped briefly to tell the other, “I’ll deal with this later,” and left. Police became involved and the required information was exchanged.
• Thursday, June 3 2:22 a.m. It will fall to future historians to elucidate details of the multi-dimwit hissysnit that enveloped the front area of a downtown donut shop. That will be difficult, since the brawlers broke off the slapfest and scattered into the night.
11:44 a.m. A man’s bank called him, noting an unusual flurry of purchases at various shops in Uniontown. It was only then that he noticed that his wallet was missing.
1:07 p.m. Having been banished from a 13th Street marketplace for shoplifting, a woman needed to return to pick up some personal property she had left there. A one-time visit was arranged, but any further returns to the store will constitute trespassing.
3:08 p.m. A backpack-equipped man in a blue New York Yankees cap and white jacket carrying a white teddy bear reportedly brandished his junk outside a freak-beleaguered donut shop. Police found him drunk and carted him off.
4:14 p.m. A man reported going to his parents’ house to have lunch, entering the home and leaving the front door unlocked. On emerging from the bathroom, he was “shocked” to discover a woman who is a friend of his brother standing in the hallway. She made small talk and had been there for an unknown length of time. At some point another of his brother’s friends told him that the woman had stolen gold valued at $4,000 from the residence. The parents checked, and confirmed that the gold was gone.
6:37 p.m. A 65- to 70-year-old woman at a Valley West motel seemed drunk as she entered a kitchen in the lobby and removed a bag of steaks. When confronted by an employee, the woman said that a manager had given her permission to keep her meat there and retrieve it before leaving.
10:46 p.m. The exuberance of a South F Street frisbee match was exceeded only by the annoyance of neighbors disenjoying the noisy clatter at this hour. Police found three disc-tossers, who agreed to call it a night.