• Friday, August 31 10:22 a.m. A deranged raccoon was reported on West End Road, disoriented, walking in circles and trying to climb a pole.
• Saturday, August 25 2:28 a.m. After a wholly unnecessary contretemps at a relatively mellow Plaza bar, a drunk wandered down the donut shop alley to a parking lot, where he was tased and cuffed.
9:26 a.m. A bearded man was reported pacing back and forth on Eye Street, looking “sketchy.” The free-prance artist wasn’t framed for canvassing the ‘hood, but was identified and asked to draw his attention elsewhere.
7:37 p.m. A gyre of hobos, guitars, puppies, yelling and smoky emissions engulfed an alley off downtown H Street. Police dispersed a tatter of travelers.
11:17 a.m. Last year’s podiatrist-without-portfolio has re-emerged, his enduring mission: to fondle the feet of women in Valley West. He’d importuned women to massage their feet using various ruses in the past, and now had a new one. He’d attended some classes at a reflexology center without formally enrolling in the course, but now was approaching women in a Valley West parking lot and offering reflexology treatments in the center’s name.
9:34 p.m. A man seen peeing on the wall behind a Northtown restaurant was asked to leave. He sort of complied, but seemed unready to make the emotional break with his urine, and just went around the block and came back to further dwell in the vapors of the acrid plume and process his wee bereavement.
3:13 p.m. More scrounge lizardry in a Ninth Street yard, with five leisure specialists drinking and throwing a bottle.
A man in the 1000 block of G Street proposed smashing someone’s face in as an alternative outcome, were the face’s owner not to repay a debt. Police checked the area, finding all faces in proper working order.
8:42 p.m. A Valley West apartment dweller said her roommate was violating their agreement by having several bottles of perfume in the residence, and they were making her sick. She placed the sickening scents out on the porch. A restraining order was in the works, but the foully fragrant roommate said she’d be moving out anyway.
“You are being slaughtered,” bellowed the hirsute howler.