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Humphrey, The Hippie And Hordes Of Hortatory Half-Wits – June 1, 2010

1:40 p.m. A pit bull at 13th and Q streets didn’t appear to be vicious, but growled when people approached, probably out of fear and confusion. Lacking further direction and, of course, any ability to explain its origins, the orphaned animal wandered over to some mailboxes and awaited destiny’s next affront, which didn’t take long to arrive. Completing what was probably its worst day ever, not to mention one of its last, the dog was captured with a catchpole and taken to the county animal shelter.

Hitcher's Nethers Evacuate Onramp – May 26, 2010

6:27 p.m. Three young teenage hitchhikers at L.K. Wood Boulevard and 14th Street may or may not have enhanced their chances at getting a ride when one lifted his shirt and licked his nipple, then unveiled his nether nozzle. These acts apparently scattered the populace, as no one was there when police arrived.

Someday, technology will allow us to conveniently text message those rocks, bottles, pants, eggs and carrots into each other’s faces – April 14, 2010

• Saturday, March 13 3:24 p.m. What was reported as a “large sheet of metal” in the roadway at 18th and H streets wasn’t found. 3:29 p.m. An officer was hailed by a cab driver, who said the metal object was still in the roadway. An officer found a pipe, and removed it. 11:45 p.m.