Featured articles

Shambolic Scalvagers Buttnap The Blight Craptastic – July 21, 2010

4:12 p.m. A man was reported kneeling in the roadway on the Plaza, then wandering in McKinley’s direction as all wiggo wingnuts are wont to do at one time or another. As an officer drove him to the hospital, he forewarned the ER that the guy might be “on LSD” and to have restraints ready. There, he was deemed drunk and so obstreperous that he had to be ferried to the bin and its berserker-friendly rubber rooms.

Grog Glugged, Buds Chugged, Synapses Nulled, Enstupidation Process Complete – July 6, 2010

• Tuesday, June 14 2:21 a.m. The alley behind a downtown hardware store serves the spillover crowd from the Carport of Mystery, Adventure and Romance, a popular venue for any manner of after-hours recreational activities, just a stumble away from the donut shop. These pastimes range from fragrant joint operations to freestyle saxophone serenades, unique innovations in animal husbandry and downtown’s usual unceasing drunkard overture. This night, the spittle-splattered asphalt glimmered and twinkled amid shadows cast by clenched fists listlessly swung more or less in the direction of similarly cocktail-addled targets of convenience. The grungy gladiators’ fighting spirit summarily shriveled with the arrival of buzzkill-blue uniforms.

Humphrey, The Hippie And Hordes Of Hortatory Half-Wits – June 1, 2010

1:40 p.m. A pit bull at 13th and Q streets didn’t appear to be vicious, but growled when people approached, probably out of fear and confusion. Lacking further direction and, of course, any ability to explain its origins, the orphaned animal wandered over to some mailboxes and awaited destiny’s next affront, which didn’t take long to arrive. Completing what was probably its worst day ever, not to mention one of its last, the dog was captured with a catchpole and taken to the county animal shelter.

Hitcher's Nethers Evacuate Onramp – May 26, 2010

6:27 p.m. Three young teenage hitchhikers at L.K. Wood Boulevard and 14th Street may or may not have enhanced their chances at getting a ride when one lifted his shirt and licked his nipple, then unveiled his nether nozzle. These acts apparently scattered the populace, as no one was there when police arrived.