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The Motel Was Cheapo, The Mom A Psycho And The Kids Both Klepto – September 5, 2010

10:48 p.m. As is not uncommon, a drunk got the notion in his pickled brain that one of the beleaguered Plaza street trees required further dismantling. Even though he was sort of dressed like a tree, with brown pants and a green shirt, the man showed no particular fealty to the spindly object of his scorn, and savaged it without remorse. Interrupted in mid-branch rip, the anti-arborist was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.

Chain Falls Off Little Girl's Bicycle – August 29, 2010

• Sunday, July 25 2:33 a.m. Overdressed for the occasion, a man who not only lacked the mandatory skanky hoodie but was all spiffed up in a white dress shirt and slacks made an extremely literal beer run at an Alliance Road stop ’n’ rob. That is, he snabbed an 18-pack of The King of Bland Beers and scurried out the door.

Texting Ex’s Vexing Pledges, Dog And Swim Fin Swipe Perplexes – August 24, 2010

5:28 p.m. A dark-haired man with a vestigial sense of style manifest in his scraggly goatee staggered down 13th Street, catching brief naps on the sidewalk along the way. He intermittently careened, with maniacal drunken-zombie resolve, onto northbound Alliance Road, there encountering an officer. Murkily sensing a threat to his way of lifestyle, the man’s limbic system fired erratically under the burden of its synapse-quenching alcohol baste, and then, foregoing further napping, the sodden specimen somehow blundered his bibulous bulk up the trail to the high school. There, he stood out rather strikingly, persisting in his oxen-like migration to nowhere until easily identified, then electrified, then hospitalized, then Pink Housed.

This Weekend And Beyond – July 22, 2010

JOIN THE AEF The Arcata Educational Farm on Old Arcata Road is accepting shareholders for its Community Supported Agriculture program. The fee for a weekly share of organic vegetables is $400 to $500, sliding scale for a 20-week season. For more information, call (707) 822-0284.

Shambolic Scalvagers Buttnap The Blight Craptastic – July 21, 2010

4:12 p.m. A man was reported kneeling in the roadway on the Plaza, then wandering in McKinley’s direction as all wiggo wingnuts are wont to do at one time or another. As an officer drove him to the hospital, he forewarned the ER that the guy might be “on LSD” and to have restraints ready. There, he was deemed drunk and so obstreperous that he had to be ferried to the bin and its berserker-friendly rubber rooms.