1:01 p.m. After fomenting a fuss at a Valley West store, a man bicycled away at good speed. Tracked down on Spear Avenue, he reported that voices had told him he “wasn’t going to heaven.” But because of the outstanding warrants, he was taken to purgatory.
9:21 a.m. A significant portion of roommates who meet for the first time amid smiles and handshakes are, it turns out, also meeting their future apartment-circling nemesis.
11:51 a.m. A dropped wallet in a Westwood Center parking lot was swiftly whisked away by an opportunivore, no doubt giddy at the grand groundscore and oblivious to the anguish of the owner.
Kulica celebrates a decade in operation with its all-ages “10th Anniversary Shindig” at the Arcata Playhouse this Friday, March 4 at 7 p.m. Chris Parrierra open
2:55 p.m. When a 10th Street resident left a $20 flashlight and $50 binoculars in an unlocked car, nature took its course. In an unorthodox twist, the unknown slithy tove responsible for the theft evinced some vestigial empathy, leaving behind token compensation in the form of one lonely little doobie.
8:31 p.m. A man lying on the ground near a K Street stairwell slowly basted in an odious marinade of urine and vomit. An officer found him responsive but uncooperative, and took the poor basted to the hospital.
• Friday, January 7 6:47 a.m. A man with missing teeth regaled the east Plaza area with his religious beliefs, then lumbered under the load of his backpack down to the Ball Park. There, he was advised to keep the spirituality to sub-seismic levels.
1:51 p.m. A man in a blue overcoat lurched southbound down H Street carrying a garbage bag, top-volume profanities issuing from a moist opening in the fuzzy miasma of facial hair.
• Sunday, December 19 2:02 a.m. Another day, another double-dullard implosion in front of the donuteria. Two booze-boggled gladiator-galoots helped populate the Pink House.
• Wednesday, Dec. 8 3:18 a.m. A Westwood Center supermarket is no Large Hadron Collider, but by examining the remnants of a titanic collision there just like physicists might do, including tore-out shrubbery, dinged-up concrete and a ripped-away oil pan – police ascertained that a car had crashed into the place. The Higgs Bozo responsible for this experiment, being a Large Hassle Evader, was by then elsewhere, panless.