• Wednesday, February 2 6:08 a.m. After being warned away as unwanted at a Valley West business, a man wrought repetitive vengeance by passing through the drive-thru lane over and over.
11:48 a.m. A concerned neighbor reported a Valley West resident tempting tragedy by storing a boat with the front end balanced atop an unsecured refrigerator. It didn’t take a genius craft this innovative solution, nor to surmise that the boat could fall off or that a child might become trapped in the fridge.
1:38 p.m. People sorta kinda wondered why a man with no shirt was digging a hole on the side of Sunset Avenue. He said he was making a bicycle ramp, and was told he should probably get the property owner’s permission.
3:50 p.m. A man whose endearing personality earned him eternal banishment from no less that three Plaza bars was found to have an outstanding arrest warrant from Santa Cruz.
10:04 p.m. A man observed stirring tea with a knife was theorized to have been at least capable of recently having slashed the tires on a car.
• Thursday, February 3 9:41 a.m. First a woman’s vehicle rear window was shattered. A few days later her front door was shattered. She suspected foul play.
10:53 a.m. After a man gave a female hitchhiker a ride from Eureka to Giuntoli Lane, he noticed that he didn’t have his cell phone any more.
1:03 p.m. A poodle was briefly tied to a tree in Stewart Park.
8:57 p.m. Skateboarders asked not to roll around in the Larson Park tennis courts took the news badly, managing to communicate via a series of grunts and gestures that they would “remember” the person who made the request, implying imminent retribution for the witness's unforgivable assault on their primacy.
9:43 p.m. Even less reasonable was the man asked not to camp at a G Street church, who pulled a pocketknife on someone. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Friday, February 4 5:45 a.m. A small squad of hoodie-clad bicyclists swarmed a Ninth Street shipping facility, pestering workers.
7:56 a.m. A ceaselessly crowing rooster on Valley West Boulevard led a resident to suspect it was being used for cockfighting.
2:03 p.m. A woman left her car unlocked in the 300 block of Fourth Street, thus equipping the first slithy tove that slithered along with an iPod and a silver bracelet.
2:34 p.m. A man claimed that a postal vehicle’s antenna struck him, causing pain in both of his hands.
• Saturday, February 5 12:18 a.m. If a South H Street man is to be believed, the mere act of sitting quietly and trying to read was all it took to enrage his roommates enough to start yelling at him.
2:43 a.m. The odds of one soul marooned at the donut shop making it home to Blue Lake all by its addled self were nil, so a cab was called.
2:48 a.m. A man reportedly texted a friend goodbye, saying he was going to harm himself, and that he was placing a noose about his neck. Police found the man, who said he was upset but wasn’t about to end it all.
3:29 a.m. A door was forced and cigarettes stolen from a K Street business.
4:29 a.m. A man who crashed his car on Giuntoli Lane didn’t stick around, leaping a fence and scampering away at impressive velocity.
9:21 a.m. A significant portion of roommates who meet for the first time amid smiles and handshakes are, it turns out, also meeting their future apartment-circling nemesis.
12:15 p.m. A big ol’ hound dog found at Samoa and K streets was taken to the shelter.
1:56 p.m. A little tribe of hippies settled in for a sitting session outside the everything’s-a-dollar store. Two boys, two girls, a white puppy plus the percussion section – a gender-indeterminate figure entrusted with the sacred bongos. When cannabis waftings commingled with the outgassing of the gaily-colored morass of Chinese plastic inside, police were summoned for a purification ritual. A brief invocation of the Municipal Code resulted in the people, pup and percussionist ambling along.
2:12 p.m. A doper party near Klopp Lake was broken up, with an arrest, citations and a warning to depart.
10:01 p.m. At the center of a big bottle-bustin’ brouhaha on L.K. Wood Boulevard was a man in a black leather jacket. Police deemed him drunk, and his subsequent window-kicking in the back of the cruiser didn’t disabuse the officer of this presumption. With the flailings at a fever pitch, officers hobbled the man, warning the jail that they had a tough customer on the way.
• Sunday, February 6 8:30 a.m. A black and white border collie found wandering in Valley West without a collar or tags, no doubt looking for a job to do, was instead transported to the shelter.
9:52 a.m. An off-duty CHP sergeant called in about an elderly woman he was following on the freeway. She was driving at about 30 mph in her white SUV, had her hazard lights and windshield wipers on and was yelling at passing traffic. The CHP was to handle it.
3:11 p.m. The first thing to attract attention about the SUV in the Uniontown parking lot was the motor left running and lights on for an hour or so. Closer scrutiny yielded a figure slumped in the driver’s seat, forehead on the steering wheel and a bottle of booze between his legs. A witness theorized that drunkenness might be a factor, and police duly anointed the boozer with a DUI citation and an eventual tow bill.
• Monday, February 7 12:04 a.m. A shoplifter hefted two 24-packs of beer from a Uniontown supermarket and somehow galumphed away with them.
7:56 a.m. Almost a dozen mail trucks were graffitied in the Post Office parking lot.
8:16 a.m. More graffiti on I Street.
8:44 a.m. A woman reported that a gas station might be “ripping people off,” as sometimes when she pumps gas, the numbers don’t move.
9 a.m. Livin’ large at one Van Dyke Court house means guzzling the brews, blasting the tunes and howling at the moon, or each other. The morning after, emptied bottles and cans littered the porch along with several alcohol-bezonked sleepover guests.
10:38 a.m. Human bones were reported hanging on a sign in the Community Forest, but to an officer thought they looked more like critter remains.
10:39 a.m. Several downtown buildings were graffiti-uglied.
12:28 p.m. Emergency personnel took three calls from a woman screaming obscenities because the @#&%*#ing ambulance was following her around, or so she was convinced.
4:04 p.m. A City worker was menaced by a woman who had made a campsite behind the library. An officer found the woman brandishing a can of pepper spray. She was briefly detained, then released and told to pack up.