• Tuesday, May 17 4:49 p.m. A female person’s former best friend has been pummeling her cell phone with hudreds of text messages calling her vulgar names. Both were told to stop messaging, texting and calling each other.
• Wednesday, May 18 1:21 a.m. If you must pass out, do so in the alley behind the donut shop. It’s one of the few spots where you are no longer in video camera range, saving your bibulous blackout from any danger of YouTubery.
2:04 a.m. Alternatively, others prefer to do their ignominious collapsin’ out front of donutville.
5:08 a.m. Or you could go corporate, succumbing to booze-bamboozlement in the drive-thru lane at a Valley West McBurger stand.
10:30 a.m. A Grant Avenue resident may have thought that locking up her $500 bike behind a fence with a heavy lock would ensure that it was still there the next morning, but learned otherwise. The thief even shopped a bit, ignoring older bikes to pilfer the silver Stinson Beach with fenders from its enclosure.
4:36 p.m. A 10-year-old was seen hitchhiking on upper G Street, with cars actually stopping and his “out of it” grandmother aware of the lad’s activity. He was admonished.
• Thursday, May 19 9:08 a.m. A woman reported traveling to Arcata with her boyfriend of three weeks. They car-camped along Sunset Avenue and Wilson Street for three days, then parted in a Uniontown shopping center’s parking lot and she has not seen him since. He had no phone, she was not aware of anyone in the area he might be staying with and the car was still there.
10:30 a.m. A woman tried to pay her utility bill at a 13th Street marketplace with four counterfeit $100 bills.
10:42 a.m. A man in a turban wore a white shirt and sweat pants and a green vest while howling at the cosmos at 14th and G streets. It couldn’t be Moe From Earth pining for Patricia, as he was deported.
10:49 a.m. It’s hard to explain why being nuzzled, played with and given treats would make a man get into arguments with the employees at a Ninth Street service center, where he claims the staff “treat people like dogs.”
12:20 p.m. A parent is said to pick up his child from a day care center every day, then rocket away from the place at inappropriate speed.
7:43 p.m. A man walking a small white dog reportedly grabbed at two girls near an S Street elementary school.
9:14 p.m. A resident reported “balloons with flames attached” being released on Old Arcata Road. Neighbors acknowledged releasing a rice paper lantern as part of a religious ceremony for their wedding.
10:01 p.m. A customer at a downtown restaurant reported a man talking about “messing some people up” with the people-displeasing apparatus in his possession. To demonstrate his assaultive capabilities, the man pulled out some prosthetic knuckles made of something other than brass plus some sort of taser device. Police found the man down the street and arrested him on a drunkenness charge.
• Friday, May 20 10:05 a.m. A leg-lacerated hospital patient bailed from the place before treatment could be completed. He was last seen walking past a nearby plant nursery carrying a hospital pillow and trailing an IV still stuck in his arm.
11:29 a.m. A man who had invested in a $3,500 car stereo left the vehicle unlocked overnight at L.K. Wood Boulevard and Ridge Road.
1:33 p.m. “I’m going to take Dillard,” reads the only unredacted portion of a dispatcher log entry regarding a public drunkenness arrest on the Plaza.
10:47 p.m. A Valley West man who confronted house-eggers got a punch in the nose for his trouble.
• Saturday, May 21 9 a.m. A GPS unit and MP3 player were stolen from an unlocked vehicle on Iverson Way.
10:47 a.m. A woman at a downtown bakery reported her smartphone stolen out of her pocket.
2:43 p.m. A wallet was stolen from an unlocked car on Blakeslee Avenue.
3:18 p.m. Numerous unlocked vehicles in Simas Court were slithy toved overnight.
8:01 p.m. Tom’s yakalo was reported loose on K Street, described as a “miniature buffalo.”
9:55 p.m. After having had quite enough to drink at a downtown restaurant, a man was told he wouldn’t be served more. This unwelcome news arriving in his booze-bamboozled brainpan set up a ragestorm, which manifested in him flinging a to-go box at the bar, breaking two bottles. And yet – go figure – they still wouldn’t give him any more drinks.
• Sunday, May 22 12:24 p.m. A gentleman went out for a Sunday stroll – through the hospital, carrying an open bottle of booze. Arrested.
6:11 p.m. A caller said that he had approached a group of travelers on the Plaza, offering to purchase a skateboard from them. Rather than entertain the offer, the ’Zoids shouted names at him regarding his sexual orientation. When he went to take a picture of them with his cell phone, one of them slapped the device from his hand. The main aggressor was described as a man in his thirties with a “PGE/THC” logo on his tan t-shirt.
6:21 p.m. A large man in a metal-studded black longcoat and big work boots was reported pacing back and forth by the Intermodal Transient Facility shouting obscenities. He was adviced to stay off the Plaza at least until the voices became friendlier.
• Monday, May 23 3:56 a.m. A sadly deluded citizen reported unknown persons not just robbing her, but poisoning her animals. She said these unknown forces were on the roof with a gun and crawling under her trailer, digging up inside through the floor. Police visited and found things not as reported.
12:39 p.m. A couch and two TVs turned up on the roadside at 17th and Q streets. Then three teenage boys came along and vandalized them.
4:55 p.m. A remote Valley West parking lot is becoming a popular place for druggie rendezvouses.
8:12 p.m. “I will end your life when you get off work,” vowed a camo-panted denizen to a citizen at a Tavern Row social establishment.
• Tuesday, May 24 10 p.m. An abandoned Valley West motel is proving tempting to ethically compromised types who would steal the appointments within.