• Monday, May 7 8:51 p.m. A man in a brown van was seen loitering near a Sunny Brae laundromat. A person walking by couldn’t help but notice that the man’s pants were down. There were other people in the van, but the witness was too frightened to look into it any further – after all, it was a brown van.
9:14 p.m. Another trash can fire in the Post Office lobby.
• Tuesday, May 8 8 a.m. An opossum was reported trapped in an 11th Street office.
2:42 p.m. A man in blue jeans who had been drunkenly yelling at passing cars at Fifth and H streets initially agreed to keep the noise down. But the promised reforms proved short-lived, and when he resumed kicking things, screaming and drinking beer, he was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
A bongo beat steadily chugged
From bongoists heavily drugged
Though warned for a poochie
Booze ’n’ pot made them murky
Their drum circle-jerky
Was quick and decidedly
Drummer de-loused and de-bugged
• Wednesday, May 9 9:25 a.m. It’s almost as though gardening supplies are in high demand in Arcata, given that an Austin Way resident had three bags of compost and a bag of chicken manure stolen from his front yard.
9:58 a.m. A backpack found in a Janes Road school’s backyard reeked of pot, and when school officials looked inside, they found the damning-redolent bong and pipe.
3:12 p.m. People have been seen coming and going from some dense bushes near a day care center, conducting operations unseen and possibly unseemly from under the cover of the dense foliage.
5:15 p.m. A car stolen from Buttermilk Lane turned up in Eureka.
10:05 p.m. A man said that his neighbor blasts loud music all day. Also, he feels discriminated against because he is an African-American.
• Thursday, May 10 2:38 a.m. Inattentive travelers parked their vagabondmobile the wrong way at Eighth and H streets, swiftly attracting police attention and camping warnings.
9:22 a.m. The expectation was that a backpack left in the back seat of a car at 11th and C streets would survive the night unstolen. But this assumption was dashed as quickly as the passenger-side window could be bashed. And now someone has the owner’s passport.
10:55 a.m. Two days previous, someone stole a man’s bike, backpack and a library book out of his truck. He hadn’t reported the theft, but when police located some of the stolen property, we was called in to pick it up.
11:20 a.m. It’s unknown what would be worth fighting about out behind a crime-riddled Valley West motel, but two warriors engaged in some short-lived combat there anyway.
4:23 p.m. A woman reported an extended ordeal in which her boyfriend led her off into “the mountains,” where he threw and dragged her around, pushed her head into mud and threw gravel. She tried to escape, but he caught and brought her back for more torment. When she called police from a Valley West gas station, she was hyperventilating and hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since the previous day. Medical aid was summoned, and police directed sheriff’s deputies to an address outside city limits near West End and Warren Creek roads.
7:34 p.m. A backpack and iPod left in a car at 10th and G streets succumbed to thieves’ rear window-smashing technology.
9:13 p.m. After a citizen turned down two youths’ request for cigarettes near the Veterans’ Hall, one vowed to return and “burn you alive.”
• Friday, May 11 12:08 a.m. The dodo who broke into heavily alarmed HealthSPORT was duly flushed out and ran up A Street, only to be caught and cuffed.
4:33 a.m. A B Street resident reported a vehicle pulling up in front of a neighbor’s home, with a woman getting out, throwing something at the front door and leaving. Police didn’t find the car, just a newspaper on the doorstep.
8:58 a.m. Someone somehow entered the Community Center overnight and rummaged with abandon, throwing wide cabinet doors open throughout the building.
10:47 a.m. A woman said a man on the footbridge exposed his revolting appurtenance to her and her friend.
10:56 a.m. A resident of the 1100 block of H Street said someone came in to her apartment through an open bedroom window the previous night and stole a $1,500 laptop computer.
4:51 p.m. Someone failed to decant the precious petroleum from a car on F Street, but succeeded in thoroughly destroying the gas cap.
5:08 p.m. Some sort of animal trap baited with cat food was discovered on Bayview Street. Next to it was a cooler – possibly for storing any unlucky critter-quarry.
5:24 p.m. An officer was hailed outside a Plaza shop, where an Arts! Arcata celebrant had nourished the exclamation point part of the event’s name with alcohol sufficient to badly boggle his brainpan, and thus, behavior. It took the officer one hour and two minutes to arrest and transport the subject to jail, then return to Arcata.
6:37 p.m. Have family disputes ever been successfully resolved via high-volume exchanges in gas station parking lots? Has that ever happened, even once?
9:45 p.m. After smashing into some parked vehicles on Blakeslee Avenue, the shaggy-haired driver took off on foot westbound. This, presumably, would be the guy arrested on a DUI charge.
• Saturday, May 12 12:02 a.m. A wave of harsh energy swept over town, dressed in party garb. On Hill street, a slow-to-dissipate party earned a diplomatic protest by a visiting envoy from the ’hood, who reported from the safety of his driveway that the festive folk then threatened hostilities. With that, the surly soirée earned itself a disturbance citation.
12:44 a.m. A vomit-themed rave on Clover Way featured wandering funtimers all a-horkin’ and a-gurgin’ in a neighbor’s yard. An officer issued a warning notice, and the hurlage attentuated to tolerable levels.
12:59 a.m. The way the upstairs neighbors in Apt. B were jumping up and down, they might have knocked Earth out of orbit.
1:23 a.m. Three men walked down G Street toting a case of beer, one spent canister of which they lanched at a passerby for sport.
2:17 a.m. A man allegedly assaulted his wife and fled the house.
6:45 a.m. Someone in a black car snatched three backpacks from L.K. Wood Boulevard and California Avenue and sped off northbound.
9:20 a.m. Two he-lingerers at 10th and I streets were topped with varied headgear, one sporting a baseball cap and the other a sloppy brimmed hat. That wasn’t the problem as much as their smoking the dope and harassing the passersby.
4:01 p.m. Six weeks after a tenant left a Sunset Avenue rental, it still smelled of pot, and the garbage remained.
8:09 p.m. A lawn mower was reported spitting flame on I Street, the arrogant operator brusquely rebuffing expressions of concern with, “Get over it.” A officer found the mower non-incendiary.
10:32 p.m. A shadowy figure lurked and rummaged on the Post Office loading dock.
• Sunday, May 13 3:06 a.m. A raccoon was reported “tearing things apart” on Buttermilk Lane.
6:36 p.m. A man reported being pushed in the back while blowing his nose in the bathroom of a Valley West restaurant. This followed a previous encounter in which he admitted that he had been the aggressor. He had made comments to the suspect’s mother, triggering the vengeful back-pushing.
6:43 p.m. A man with glasses walked out on his $13.25 bill at a Plaza restaurant. Cute move, four eyes.