Board of Stupidizers news roundup

 Callisto Bodoni
Mad River Union

HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1 – The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors decided last week to make all uses principally permitted in all zones throughout Humboldt County.

The decision, part of the board’s never-ending update of the General Plan, will allow anyone to do just about anything anywhere at all hours with legal impunity.

The measure was approved 4–1, with Supervisor Mark Lovelace dissenting.

“This will provide the maximum amount of flexibility for builders and others who make Humboldt such a great place to live,” said Chair Rex Bohn.

Lovelace warned the board of the perils of its decision. “This will allow industrial uses in residential neighborhoods,” the frustrated supervisor told his eye-rolling colleagues on the board. “You could see strip clubs in front of schools, Wal-Marts on ag land. What a nightmare.”

But Supervisor Ryan Sundberg disagreed.

“I don’t know of anyone who is trying to open a strip club near Morris School," Sandberg said. "There are no current proposals to build high density housing at Tyee City, so I don’t see this as a problem.”

Hubba Hubba Hubs

 The Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) has been providing services to the county’s poor and underprivileged residents for years, but another class of residents has been completely ignored – the well-to-do.

But that’s about to change. DHHS Chief Bill Mandel has gained Board of Supervisors approval for his department to open up support groups for rich people at what are being called Hubba Hubba Hubs, with locations in McKinleyville, Eureka and Fortuna.

The measure was approved 4–1, with Supervisor Mark Lovelace dissenting.

At the hubs, caring professionals will be available to provide wraparound services to rich people to help them with their special needs. “Whether you need help choosing the right hedge funds, distinguishing quality mink coats from poor ones, or just simply pairing champagne with caviar, we can help,” Mandel said.

The new services signals a change of direction for county social services.

“For years we’ve been giving out free socks to homeless people, and government cheese to single mothers, “ said Supervisor Esther Bone. “But we’ve been ignoring the rich. They’re basically disenfranchised as they don’t qualify for most social services. They’ve got bank accounts full of cash and lavish mansions, but when was the last time a caring county worker gave them socks? They have feelings too, you know.”

The new initiative, paid for with funds diverted from children's health and nutrition programs, goes into full swing next month. But if last year’s pilot project is any indication, the hubs are going to be a huge success.

“They helped me last year after I got home from three months yachting in the Mediterranean, “ said Tad Rothchild, the 22-year-old son of one of Humboldt’s captains of industry. “I was at the Ingomar Club eating the worst bolognaise sauce I’ve ever had, washing it down with a glass of 2008 Domaine Leflaive Puligny-Montrachet Les Folatières 1er Cruz. I missed my friends in Capri. I was totally bummed out. Then I visited the Hubba Hubba Hub Mobile Engagement Vehicle. They hooked me up with some killer linguine with clam sauce, a line of pharmaceutical grade cocaine and gave me the phone number of a high-end escort. I was good to go. They changed my life, at least for that afternoon and 30 minutes of that evening.”

The Hubba Hubba Hubs will be available for income-eligible residents.

Government efficiency 4, Lovelace 1

 To save time in processing the written minutes for meetings of the Board of Supervisors, Clerk of the Board Kathy Hayes last week got the board’s permission to add a permanent line to the Word document template.

Each agenda item will henceforth include the nominal addendum: “Approved 4–1, with Supervisor Lovelace dissenting.”

According to the staff report for the item, this measure would save approximately 50 keystrokes in recording the minutes for each item on the agenda.

“On a typical agenda with 35 items,” notes the report, “this measure would save 1,750 keystrokes, savings considerable time as well as wear and tear on the clerk’s fingers.”

The item came recommended by the Human Resources Department, which further noted that marginalizing independent elected leaders could help avoid carpal tunnel injuries by staff.

The measure was approved 4–1, with Supervisor Lovelace dissenting.

Chair Rex Bohn said he lamented Lovelace’s lack of interest in government efficiency, and suggested that the chronic outlier enroll in anger management classes right after the two enjoy their weekly post-meeting milkshake together in Old Town.

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